SHARKNADO 3 OH HELL NO Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Bo Derek, Ryan Newman, Jack Griffo, David Hasselhoff, Frankie Muniz, Mark McGrath, George R. R. Martin, Mark Cuban, Chris Jericho,

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No [mild spoilers] – while receiving a medal for saving L.A. and NYC, Fin Shepard gets caught up in a third shark attack that stretches up and down the entire US East Coast. The production values are very high for a B-movie, but it the film retains the series’ ‘poorly-planned, sporadically-shot, and sloppily-put-together’ aesthetic – with thousands of short shots blended together to form a semi coherent narrative. There’s even more crowbarred cameos and extras (partial list below) whose continual introduction and lingering shots absolutely hammer the story’s flow and movie’s pacing. It’s even more bizarre because the majority of these are so niche that they won’t register with most viewers (other than hardened reality TV fans). On the plus side the action is way bigger and more ambitious, and the story enters utterly ridiculous territory: the main guy gets hurled off a full speed rollercoaster and survives; they go in to space with laser chainsaws… after a shark fight in space (!!) Tara Reid re-enters the earth’s atmosphere inside a shark (!!!); gives birth (!!!!), and pushes a baby through a gash cutout by her chainsaw hand (!!!WTFM8?!?!?!). It’s ridiculous. It’s utterly preposterous. It’s beyond stupid… and that’s what makes it so fun. As these events unfold – each upping the last – you get a genuine kick at how over-the-top it gets. Ian Ziering plays this pitch perfectly, with a knowing, tongue in cheek action hero shtick, and Cassie Scerbo (who was sorely missing in ‘nado 2) is a welcome return as a sexy, kickass sidekick. The less said about everyone else, the better. The Sharknado franchise is a very peculiar beast: it’s like your weird uncle and out-of-touch granny accidentally created a teen sensation but are determined to kneecap it by insisting on their shit friends getting cameos; milking every cent’s worth of product placement (Universal Studios / NASCAR / NASA / Subay / Today Show); and writing the script/story themselves to save money: maybe it’s part of the plan? Maybe that’s the charm? Who knows!? Sharknado 3 is probably “Peak Sharknado”, as I’m not sure that it’s possible to strike a better balance between shameless, unbelievably ridiculous, and rip-roaring fun that this movie pulls off. The third installment continues the trend of being bigger, better, dumber, funnier, and more enjoyable than its predecessor.” Heck, it’s even swimming in to normal movie scores territory.

Score: 5/10
B-movie: 8/10

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LIST OF CAMEOS – doesn’t even include half the z-listers, competition winners, family members, etc!

Ne-Yo (Auto Tune legend), Jared Fogel (Child porn connoisseur), Kim Richards (Real Housewives), Anthony Weiner (Dicks out sexter), Ann Coulter (Right Wing Troll), Chris Jericho (Fozzy frontman), Steve Guttenberg (Lavalantula & 2 Lava 2 Lantula Star), Jerry Springer (WTF), Lou Ferrigno (Original Hulk), Mark Cuban (Shark Tank), Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle), George R. R. Martin (GoT Author), Holly Madison (Playboy Playmate), Penn and Teller (Magicians), Hoda Kotb (TV Anchor), Kathie Lee Gifford (Regis’ tag team Partner), Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray Singer), Michele Bachmann (formerly respected Republican), Jackie Collins (Novelist), Jedward (Irish Twin Twats), Rick Fox (eSports owner), Chris Kirkpatrick (NSYNC), Robert Klein (Comedian)

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Shark Deaths:
– Sharkpunch
– Golden Chainsaw
– Broadsword
– Dyson Hoover
– President’s Shotgun
– President’s Grenade
– Floorsliding double M-16s
– George Washington Statue Bust
– American Flag (Iwo Jima homage)
– Caravan Carbomb
– Samurai Sword
– Laser beam
– Construction site Lamp
– Double Chainsaw
– Universal Globe
– Laser Chainsaw
– Re-entering earth burn

sharknado-3-bond-gunbarrel-ian-ziering-tara-reid-cassie-scerbo-bo-derek-ryan-newman-jack-griffo-david-hasselhoff-frankie-muniz-mark-mcgrath-george-r-r-martin-mark-cuban-chris-jericho

SHARKNADO REVIEW
SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE REVIEW

the-hateful-eight-banner-poster-The Hateful Eight Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Walton Goggins, Demián Bichir, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen, Bruce Dern, James Parks, Channing Tatum, Zoë Bell, Quentin Tarantino, Ennio Morricone

The Hateful Eight: a bounty hunter and his prisoner get snowed-in at a cabin stop with six strangers, but “one of them fellas is not what he says he is”. Most of the actors get to do what they do best: grouchy Kurt grumbles magnificently; magnetic Goggins spits out redneck ramblings; Sam J does his shouty-preaching; Roth ponses around; in fact, Madsen is the only actor that doesn’t really get any good screentime. Despite the huge names, Señor Bob (Demián Bichir) steals the show for me with a ridiculously terrific comedy performance and accent. There’s some absolutely stunning exploitation gore, blood sprays, head explosions, etc, etc – all electrifying for even the most hardened splatter aficionados. As you’ll have read everywhere; the main issue with H.E. is that it’s simply far, far, far too long. It takes over 45 minutes to get to the cabin setting; an hour ‘til we get to the crux of the movie; and even with 2hr40min of dialogue heavy scenes, a narrator (voiced by QT, obvz) is still required to throw in more details – how sloppy and empty can the writing get? In fact, most people’s issues with Django seem to be applicable here too: it’s almost as if Tarantino is intentionally trolling his own audience (too many n-bombs, too long, no censorship…). Finally, a massive deal was made about resurrecting the ultra-Panavision 70mm format: but exterior shots are pretty much whiteouts, and the last two hours are confined to a cabin interior – which leaves you yearning for epic vistas. With his last few films, Tarantino is starting to come across as a ‘brat’ director (surrounded by ‘yes men’); refusing to cut out flabby parts, censor himself, or make any changes to his precious baby. Boiled down: The Hateful Eight is simply a decadent, elaborate, and extremely self-indulgent Reservoir Dogs remake: and a very testing setup for what’s essentially a room full of people shooting each other… again.

Score: 6/10

The Hateful Eight Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Walton Goggins, Demián Bichir, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen, Bruce Dern, James Parks, Channing Tatum, Zoë Bell, Quentin Tarantino, Ennio Morricone

wild-tales-bombita-dario-grandinetti-maria-marull-monica-villa-rita-cortese-julieta-zylberberg-cesar-bordon-leonardo-sbaraglia-walter-donado-ricardo-darin-nancy-duplaa-oscar-martinez-osmar

Wild Tales (Relatos Salvajes): six short films about everyday people being pushed over the edge. Unlike most anthology movies, these are all done by the same director, which should give the segments more consistency than usual – right? Wrong! The six stories are all varying lengths, and wildly different in their tone, ‘enjoyability’, and humour. The shorter, punchier ideas are great but the longer ones in the second half all feel dragged out. With the throughline being ‘revenge’ they’re all quite dark with varying degrees of gallows / black humour. Stylistically though, they’re all meticulously directed, with dozens of striking and stand-out shots. The acting is also rock solid, with a lot of familiar faces from ‘World Cinema‘. It also walks a very tight line between reality and a tiny sprinkle of magic / surrealism – the obvious comparison being something like The Twilight Zone – but this doesn’t go near full on fiction. I really enjoyed the first half of this, but as the stories go forward, they get far too serious (and less funny). Overall, Wild Tales is a decent film with some great ideas, that suffers the same problem as most anthology pictures: the quality of each section is completely different.

Score: 6.5/10

wild-tales-til-death-do-us-part-dario-grandinetti-maria-marull-monica-villa-rita-cortese-julieta-zylberberg-cesar-bordon-leonardo-sbaraglia-walter-donado-ricardo-darin-nancy-duplaa-oscar-mar

Pasternak | The Rats | Road to Hell | Bombita | The Deal | Till Death Do Us Part

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Gangster Payday Restaurant Anthony Wong, Charlene Choi, Wong You-nam, Michael Chan, Ng Chi-hung, Philip Keung, Deep Ng, Wilson Tsui, Joe Cheung, Carrie Ng, Arthur Wong, Law Wing-cheung, Lee Po-cheung

Gangster Payday (大茶飯): when he’s being muscled out of his karaoke bar by aggressive real estate developers, an ageing gangster invests in an honest business, but can’t seem to shake off his past. Despite the title and trailer hinting at an overly-familiar HK mob film; the gangster element plays second fiddle to an ‘emo triads angle where we find out that even the hardiest of HK gangbangers are just big teddybears with emotions, and gooey centres. Unfortunately, this is portrayed through a soap-operatic love triangle, which – when paired with the mid-budget televisual aesthetics and very melodic/dramatic vocal performances – means that the film lacks a ‘cinematic’ vibe. Tonally and thematically, it’s also one of those films that doesn’t export well, and westerners will probably fail to engage with (I particularly struggled with the hammy music and theatrical / play-like style). To make up for the pitfalls we’re treated to an ensemble cast featuring some of the biggest faces from the past 20 years of Hong Kong cinema, led by Anthony Wong, who puts in a great turn as a tired mob boss in his twilight. Gangster Payday isn’t for everyone: it’s a low-key, cutesy, and ultimately disappointing personal drama framed in a gangster movie; but the star power and talent of the cast (particularly Wong) prop up the film and keeping it watchable for the duration.

Score: 5/10

Gangster Payday Triad Gang Anthony Wong, Charlene Choi, Wong You-nam, Michael Chan, Ng Chi-hung, Philip Keung, Deep Ng, Wilson Tsui, Joe Cheung, Carrie Ng, Arthur Wong, Law Wing-cheung, Lee Po-cheung Gangster Payday Adidas Anthony Wong, Charlene Choi, Wong You-nam, Michael Chan, Ng Chi-hung, Philip Keung, Deep Ng, Wilson Tsui, Joe Cheung, Carrie Ng, Arthur Wong, Law Wing-cheung, Lee Po-cheung

Austin Powers Logo Title Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley, Robert Wagner, Seth Green, Mindy Sterling, Michael York, Fabiana Udenio, Will Ferrell, Mimi Rogers, Joe Son, Carrie Fisher, Burt Bacharach, Cindy Margolis

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery – frozen in the swinging 60s, and thawed out in the 90s Austin “Danger” Powers has to defeat his nemesis Dr Evil while re-adjusting to modern life. Depressing fact: this film is almost 20 years old. Uplifting fact: it’s still as funny as you remember. Mike Meyers’ style isn’t for everyone, but this is about as mainstream as he goes; and the more James Bond knowledge you can bring to the table, the better (dispatch one-liners, henchmen deaths, sets, character names, elaborate death traps…). The clever setup means there’s a lot of rope to be used here: the spy genre, action movies, and fish-out-of-water elements, all fully capitalised. There’s quite a narrow band of humour used here: namely slapstick, funny faces, silly dances, and physical jokes – nothing too high-brow, but it’s all to the highest standard. If there’s one weakness it’s that the movie as a whole is a little too reliant on skits and unrelated interludes. With my James Bond obsession and nostalgic hat on, I’m probably not the most objective person to be watching this, but I would have genuine questions if someone didn’t enjoy such a light, charming, and loving parody of the early Bond Movies. Almost twenty years old, but still a stone-cold comedy classic, the first Austin Powers film is 95 minutes of laugh-out-loud, wall-to-wall top-drawer comedy.

Score: 8.5/10

If you can watch this clip without laughing (or even smiling) call a doctor – because you’re dead inside.

Austin Powers Shiny Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley, Robert Wagner, Seth Green, Mindy Sterling, Michael York, Fabiana Udenio, Will Ferrell, Mimi Rogers, Joe Son, Carrie Fisher, Burt Bacharach, Cindy MargolisAustin Powers Fembots Babes Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley, Robert Wagner, Seth Green, Mindy Sterling, Michael York, Fabiana Udenio, Will Ferrell, Mimi Rogers, Joe Son, Carrie Fisher, Burt Bacharach, Cindy MargolisAustin Powers Electric Pussycat Psychedelic Sw Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley, Robert Wagner, Seth Green, Mindy Sterling, Michael York, Fabiana Udenio, Will Ferrell, Mimi Rogers, Joe Son, Carrie Fisher, Burt Bacharach, Cindy Margolis

Satans Blade Killer Scott Castillo Jr., Tom Bongiorno, Stephanie Leigh Steel, Thomas Cue, Elisa R. Malinovitz, Janeen Lowe, Ramona Andrada, Diane Taylor,

Satan’s Blade: the evil spirit of an ancient and violent mountain-man terrorises tourists at a secluded ski lodge. At 80 minutes, you expect a punchy slasher, and with the first ten minutes only consisting of women getting undressed then shot in the tits, it’s half way there… however it all goes south very quickly. Released in 1984, this has more of a 50s/60s feel due to very basic camerawork, acting, editing, and a very poor sound mix – people talking inside a car, but no car noises; missing screams; shouting through walls but sounding crystal clear; silent shower curtains etc. Also, for a slasher, the deaths are fairly disappointing, with dabbed on blood and lots of cutting/editing; but very little gore. The acting isn’t much better, with ‘studenty’ performances, and stunted delivery of very stale dialogue. You know a film’s amazingly bad when the IMDB page is full of its actors/writers tearing it to pieces and apologising for it! Regular viewers will be disappointed by Satan’s Blade; but as a formerly rare, no budget b-movie, the Blu Ray release is a treat for hardened collectors and VHS nostalgists looking to upgrade their copy, and learn about the film through the plethora of new extras and features.

Score: 2/10

Satans Blade Scott Castillo Jr., Tom Bongiorno, Stephanie Leigh Steel, Thomas Cue, Elisa R. Malinovitz, Janeen Lowe, Ramona Andrada, Diane Taylor,

Satans Blade Death Scott Castillo Jr., Tom Bongiorno, Stephanie Leigh Steel, Thomas Cue, Elisa R. Malinovitz, Janeen Lowe, Ramona Andrada, Diane Taylor,

Standard death acting in this picture

 

Strike Back Vengeance Season 3 Trio Philip Winchester, Sullivan Stapleton, Rhashan Stone, Liam Garrigan, Rhona Mitra, Charles Dance, Vincent Regan, Natalie Becker, Shane Taylor, Stephanie Vogt

Strike Back: Vengeance (Season 3) – when a billionaire acquires four nuclear triggers in order to re-shape Africa, only section 20 can stop him. Continuing with the UK/US collaboration, this takes everything that worked about ‘Project Dawn’ and made it all bigger/louder/better. Every episode is wall to wall action; with dozens of set pieces, hundreds of deaths, and a load of whiz-bang sex scenes. The entire season is 100mph, and it’s simply great fun. The characters feel more rounded, the leads’ chemistry is fantastic, and it’s very professionally made – but things like ‘character development’, ‘plot’, and ‘direction‘ are background noise to the explosions, gunfights, stunt driving, and spec ops that march the show forward. It’s hard to believe that such a ridiculously intense level of action (huge set pieces every 10 mins or so) can be done on a TV budget – the 10 episodes are paired off into FIVE 90-minute long mini missions that run together. In a world of toned down and heavily edited 12-rated action films, the swearing, sex, and sensational action makes this feel like something from ‘the good old days’. Completely knowing, and aimed directly at young male action fans, Strike Back Vengeance is a show that only really does one thing (infinite ammo, high-octane action turned up to 11), but does it brilliantly – making it a truly unmissable show for action fans

Score: 8.5/10

Strike Back Vengeance Season 3 Sniping Philip Winchester, Sullivan Stapleton, Rhashan Stone, Liam Garrigan, Rhona Mitra, Charles Dance, Vincent Regan, Natalie Becker, Shane Taylor, Stephanie Vogt