Fifty Shades of Grey

01 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita OraFifty Shades of Grey: when a fumbling Plain Jane student interviews a perverted and tormented young millionaire both of their lives are oh so romantically changed forever. Firstly; this is the least sexy film you’ll ever see about kinky sex, mostly due to the fact that everything else about it is a total turn off. The dialogue is atrocious; the wannabe racy/saucy lines don’t even come close to innuendo, although with the source material it didn’t really stand a chance. Secondly, the colouring is laughably basic: everything is depressingly washed out and grey (we get it!) except for sexy red things like mood lighting, cars, and arse-smacking paddles. The films is unashamedly uninterested in doing anything even remotely interesting with any of the characters, plot points or even the technical aspects. You want a better love story? Watch Twilight. You want to see some kinky bondage? Browse the internets. You want to see a proper film about this stuff? Watch ‘The Secretary‘, which is better than this in literally every way. As it was obviously going to be a number one smash, Fifty Shades of Grey never had to try, so it didn’t. A ham-fisted, disappointingly fist-free softcore movie with boringly-acted one-dimensional characters on a non-story that takes forever to go anywhere.

Score: 0.5/10

02 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora,

  1. Agreed! Secretary is a million times better. I also only just realised that James Spader’s character in that film is called Mr. Grey too. Way too much of a coincidence for me… Shame on you E.L. James, shame on you!


    • Paragraph Film Reviews said:

      It started off as Twilight FanFic – so to get anything this big and professional out of it is totally a miracle.


  2. Dan O. said:

    The sex scenes were hot and well-done, but everything else was pretty dull. Except for Johnson. She’s the real saving grace of this. Nice review.


  3. evelynfilmfan said:

    Still haven’t seen the film but I really need and want to see how bad it is with my own eyes 😆


    • Paragraph Film Reviews said:

      For your own health and safety I must stronlgy advise against watching so. Unless you need a good laugh.


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