Following on from previous guest posts, it’s going to be a more regular feature at Paragraph Film Reviews. This one’s from Franz Patrick over at franzpatrick.com – lots of great, short reviews and plenty variety from the classics, to the important, to the blockbusters. Twitter is here too. Click click.

Creep: Kate (Franka Potente) is psyched to meet George Clooney at a party in London, but she fell asleep while waiting for the last train that’s supposed to take her there. When she wakes up, not a soul is in the vicinity. All the gates are locked. It seems she has no choice but to spend the night. Little did she know that someone lives in the tunnels who kidnaps unsuspecting victims and experiments on them. Because the plot is painfully familiar, one would expect “Creep,” written and directed by Christopher Smith, to be more ambitious so it has something to separate itself from the rest of the pack. Instead, a handful of scenes are dedicated to Potente, whose facial expression barely changes, running around as if she was still on Tom Twyker’s “Run Lola Run.” The moments that lead up to the scares are executed lethargically, the background music appearing and disappearing so predictably depending on the placement of the “Boo!” moment. When it finally arrives, there’s more running and screaming. This interminable loop dominated the first half of the film. The picture might have benefited if the screenplay had eventually allowed its audience learn about the villain. Glimpses of images are thrown at us and we are expected to put it all together. The problem is, aside from the missing critical pieces in the puzzle, while we can force ourselves to interpret the images and what they mean, the answers end up either too vague or completely nonsensical. In other words, we don’t get a sense of uniqueness in terms of who the antagonist is and what makes him so terrifying, aside, of course, from the grizzly violence he’s more than willing to inflict. If the protagonist, execution, and antagonist are the major ingredients in a soup and they lack spice, will the soup taste good? Not very likely.

Score: 2.5/10

Lockout: a wrongly convicted man is made to enter a maximum security prison, mid-riot, in space, and rescue the president’s daughter, thus winning a pardon. No, it doesn’t feature Snake Plissken, but bulked up Guy Pearce‘s supercop ‘Snow’ gives the character a good run for his money; he entertains and kicks ass in equal measures, and despite clearly having fun, he’s well above and beyond what is required in an action film this silly. It’s not just Pearce, as the two main baddies in Vincent Regain and Joseph Gilgun (despite the terrible Scottish accents) are a proper Dastardly and Muttley duo, both watchable yet nasty. Other than being set in space this has every other cliché in the action/cop genre; It’s physics-defying dumbness is laughable; it’s needlessly bookended by a boring & unnecessary briefcase / conspiracy side-story; and some really good action scenes are let down by a couple of ultra-cheap, poorly handled bouts of big, fast, loud, fuzzy CGI that are nothing but disorienting. Despite these snags, EuropaCorp delivers another film that punches way above its weight for a $20M sci-fi action picture. While it’s pretty much Escape from New York in space, Lockout is every bit as action-packed and blockbusterly satisfying as it looks, with a surprisingly entertaining cast, decent director, and a few good laughs along the way. I liked it, and oddly enough, so did my lady.

Score: 7/10

Mission Impossible: when his mission in Prague goes FUBAR Ethan Hunt must prove his innocence and figure out who the real traitor is without the help of the CIA/IMF. This contains pretty much everything that’s cool about spying & espionage, from the high-tech gadgets (hacking/security) to the low-brow survival tricks (cracked light bulb on floor). Brian De Palma is on top form; the complex story is well told, and the moments of drama/tension are just perfect – the NOC list Langley break-in in particular is a beautiful, yet almost unwatchable, set piece – more generally, the film is like a masterclass in ambiance and tension. The director slaps a heavy streak of throwback Noir style: camera angles, soft focus, clothes, hats, music overcoats – not to mention the mystery story. Being a 90s film some of the technology is horrifically outdated, e-mail in particular is laugh-out-loud bad. While Ethan Hunt is no James Bond, the team behind Mission impossible did a great job of lifting from the Bond Blueprint and re-inventing a modern super-spy.

Score: 8/10

Where Eagles Dare: in WWII a team of Britain’s top agents – accompanied by an American – stage a raid on an ‘impenetrable’ Nazi fortress, but it’s never that simple. For an oldé movie (1968), this has more explosions than you could shake a stick of dynamite at, no vehicle is left uncrashed / unflipped, and the plot, in parts, is almost as hard to follow as Inception – it’s one of the few times where there’s a little too much of the good stuff. The action is great, and very well-directed – cable car stunts in particular are gripping, and Eastwood makes for a total bad-ass quiffed gun-slinging all-American action hero. Between the big set-pieces the pace can drag, and at over 2.5 hours it feels a little overlong. The acting is pretty solid for the genre, and the huge story, grand spectacle, and big names (Burton, Eastwood, Pitt…) really pull you through the laggy parts. This is a classic in every sense of the word: big actors, brilliant OST, gripping spy/espionage plot, stunning locations, a ton of stabbing, shooting and cleavage… even down to the corny stuff like rear projected driving background. Where Eagles Dare is decades ahead of its time; it’s the ‘turned up to 11′ kind of action movie that you rarely saw again until the 1980s. Over 40 years later, it’s still exciting to watch – they really don’t make ’em like this anymore – big, timeless international, studio picture.

Score: 7/10

The Cabin in the Woods: 5 friends go to an isolated cabin for a party, and although a bunch of zombified rednecks lurk in the woods, this is far from your average slasher/horror flick. My only real complaint is that the film puts all of the cards on the table a little too early – although it’s understandable, because such an ending would be too much to nonchalantly tag on during a finale. There’s plenty decent acting, even better SFX, good suspense / tension / scares, brilliant streak of tongue-in-cheek genre humour (The whiteboard with entries like “Angry Molestation Tree”, and ‘trowel’ quip are golden). The film works its way towards the revelatory ending, and the final reel is one of the best pieces of horror in decades – it’s an insane roller coaster paying both tribute and homage to the last 100 years of horror cinema. This is clearly made by horror fans, for horror fans. Don’t watch the trailer, or even read any more reviews, just get your arse to the cinema and check this beast out for yourself. Cabin in the Woods is creepy, entertaining, smart, fresh, funny, original and goes far beyond (and behind) the standard horror movie formula. Easily one of the best modern horrors in a long, long time.

Score: 8.5/10

Bonus: here’s a screenshot of the whiteboard – Click to Enlarge

Bonus: here's a screenshot of the whiteboard - Click to Enlarge

- Why are we here again? - I need a new house...

The Cold Light of Day: when his family are kidnapped near Madrid an everyman has to find a briefcase and return it to the captors in time. This is a strange one: coming out of the cinema it felt like a serviceable ‘nuts and bolts’ action movie, however,  two days later the only parts i can recall are the Nike, Blackberry, Coca Cola, Audi, Land Rover, Fabrik Nightclub co-promotion scenes. There’s a couple of night-time action scenes that were too shaky and poorly lit to be even remotely coherent – although there are a few interesting flares of camerawork, and it fades in and out of attempting to have the atmosphere and music of a classic Boir thriller – it’s just not consistent enough. The story is quite derivative, sloppy, and predictable genre writing – and everything down to the title feels focus-grouped to death. God bless Cavill for trying, but there’s next to nothing for anyone to work with – all characters are like concentrated stock. The Cold Light of Day is one of the laziest films I’ve seen in a long time; it just wants to coast on the back of the names involved – although the biggest (Sigourney and Bruce Willis) phone in two of the sleepiest and offendingly unremarkable paycheck performances of the year.

Score: 3/10

Rumble in the Bronx: whilst visiting his uncle in New York, Keong fom Hong Kong finds himself in the crosshairs of several gangs. The premise is basic (like the far East’s rebuttal to Black Rain – the West is full of uncivilized, violent punks!), the plot twists are silly and the acting’s borderline woeful, but this film has Jackie Chan; and an on form Jackie Chan of that! The action set pieces are still among the best you can find today; the shop fight, back alley fight, car park chase, and the superb gang den fight… action doesn’t get any better than this: strength, acrobatic skills, timing, planning, intuitive use of space & objects – it’s almost unbelievable. I could genuinely watch these scenes on loop all day and never get bored. The biggest stunts have a timeless jaw-dropping quality, mostly because they’re real and well-edited: you want to pull down a building? Lets build one to demolish! You want a hovercraft/car chase scene? Lets make it happen on real streets! Jackie Chan jumping a large gap between to 10-storey buildings? CGI boring and waste of money! Above the eye-blasting stuntwork there’s a lot of camera-friendly graffiti, clothes, cars, buildings and other such eye candy. There’s a couple of bizarre slapstick scenes that stick out like sore thumbs, but other than that, it’s all gravy. Sure it will never be on a Criterion or AFI “best films of all time” list, but Rumble in the Bronx is entertainment in one of its most pure and watchable forms, and they just don’t make ’em like this any more.

Score: 8/10

Headhunters (Hodejegerne): a professional headhunter, and art thief, risks everything he has to steal a Peter Paul Rubens painting from an ex-mercenary. The central story is absolutely brilliant, and it feels surprisingly fresh given the setup. It’s plot and character driven in equal measures and it doesn’t stop once it gets rolling. The film’s punctuated with brutal graphic violence, although it’s most often used as comedy (!!) to break the unbearable tension built up in pivotal chase / confrontational scenes; I never thought I’d laugh at a smashed up skull, dog abuse, or poop – but if you didn’t laugh, you’d break down. Askel Hennie (a Christopher Walken lookalike) leads a great bunch of actors, and memorable but believable characters. Other than above, you can’t really mention much more without risking spoilers. The film didn’t need the quirky voiceover setup and wrap up – flat-out drama / thriller would have been sufficient – and some parts start to flirt with surrealism, but those are very minor niggles. Headhunters is well-directed, well acted, well written, funny, serious and dramatic crime caper… you couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s an absolute must see; European cinema at its best, and film of the year so far.

Score: 9/10

The Whistleblower: based on the true story of Kathryn Bolkovac, a U.N. worker that uncovered a scandal involving human trafficking, forced prostitution, bent police, and her ‘peacekeeping’ colleagues. Being a politically loaded / statement movie you can’t really miss the two main agendas: highlighting the brutal & ugly side of sex traffic, and pointing out some flaws and cover-ups of the United Nations – both noble causes, and both elements are well covered, shocking, eye-openers. The cast match the tone of the film, and Weisz in particular is shit-hot, holding up the film, and keeping it rooted in reality (she wholly de-glammed for the duration). Behind the camera, it’s no-nonsense film-making; a couple of shock moments that are done in a blunt, realistic way – not much is explicit, but the implied scenes are harder to watch – all efficiently handled. Other than the pretty rough material, and being a tad on the long side, there’s not much to complain about. The Whistleblower is a shocking exposé, and a  thriller with no ‘action set pieces’ – and whilst it’s a fantastic dramatic powerhouse, it’s definitely not a Friday night flick.

Score: 7/10

The Hunger Games: set in a dystopian future, teens from 12 impoverished districts must fight to the death in a custom-built arena, where only one can survive, and it’s broadcast live. The biggest problem is the overlong setup – even if it is kicking off a franchise, a totalitarian, elite ruling class keeping the rest of society in the pits doesn’t need to be explained or dwelled on for over an hour (it also makes the ending feel majorly rushed). The Capitol – imaginative name for a city – itself is pretty stupid; granted it’s unique, but the clothes / hair / beard and furniture designs were all beyond silly and ridiculous. The acting roster is great, there’s a few shaky characters (sister / mum / BF) but once it leaves district 12 it’s mostly decent from both young and old. Woody and Hutcherson in particular are magnetic presences – Katinis is also decent, but you learn far more about her in the games than the actual character building nonsense. Other than the pacing issues, CGI dogs, and a few poorly edited, bloodless, fight-scenes the film’s petty solid, and looks great. The difference-maker between The Hunger Games being received as good or great will depend on age; anyone old enough to have seen the dozens of movies with sci-fi city-scapes, morally bankrupt quest for ratings, or organised deathmatches, will no doubt feel that this is retreading old ground. But if I was 12 and seeing all of that for the first time, I’d probably shit my pants with excitement.

Score: 6/10

From Paris with Love: A govt rookie teams up with an unconventional seasoned spy to take down a drug / terrorist ring in the city of love. This is essentially an action film with every cliché in the book: rookie cop with trigger issues, unconventional old-timer who gets results, and some of the most obvious twists in history – you all know the drill. There’s a lot of flashy direction with fast wooshing CGI pans, and action set pieces. Other than a couple of big, loud, fighty action scenes the only major redeeming feature is Travolta hamming it up: albeit with a brazen, overly offensive script. While it’s definitely not his finest 90, he is rrrather entertaining – even sneaks in a “Royale with cheese” – OH NO HE DIII IIINT!!! His partner (Jonathan Rhys Meyers – form a queue, ladies) is ok, but is basically there to say Travolta’s name (Wax) about 2,000 times. Despite using as many tricks as the budget could facilitate – flashy stunts / big action jumps / explosions / swearing / big stars – nobody could hide the fact that this is the kind of film you’ve seen a thousand times before, but in Paris instead of somewhere Stateside. From Paris with Love is a wild ride, but it’s the very definition of braindead action, even by Europacorp/Besson standards!

Score: 3.5/10

Super: A socially inept weirdo with ‘visions and voices’ creates the alter ego superhero, ‘The Crimson Bolt – armed with a monkey wrench, pipe bombs and the catch phrase “Shut up, crime”. It’s the total opposite of everything you’d expect from a superhero movie – the characters are all deeply flawed, the humour is super black and is contrasted with some full-on bone-crunching, brain splattering violence. Technically, it’s also very different, with a lo-fi handheld style and toe-tapping indie/pop soundtrack that give it a unique, botique, wholesome style – I was sold from the TSAR opening credits. The biggest hit is Rainn Wilson, he’s utterly fantastic, pitches the character perfectly, and genuinely makes the movie. Kev Bacon is great as a scumbag, and Page does a decent job as a foul-mouthed youth. The humour is twisted and black with a deep, dark streak running through the movie – very awkward, offbeat, black, but really really funny (“The Finger of God had touched me”, “Don’t steal, don’t molest kids, don’t butt in line”, tentacles, the sex scene… it’s all absolutely mental). On paper Super looks like another Kick-Ass, but everything about it is different and unique, which makes this a little indie belter that stands out from the copy/paste films in the superhero genre.

Score: 9/10

1911: Anniversary film about the revolution that ended 2,000 years of imperial rule in China. There’s a whole lot of revolutioning rolled into the opening 30 minutes, and the story doesn’t rest after that – entire week-long battles are boiled down to a minute of slow-mo and a paragraph summary of events. Even the indoor political scenes have frantic jump-cuts (like individual words have been removed) and crazy-fast dialogue. The overall tone of the movie feels like retrospective propaganda – definitely a rose-tinted version of history told by the winners, about their noble martyrs. Several westerners pop up at various points, and are portrayed as 1-dimensional cold fat-cats, only interested in money. On the up, it’s stunningly shot, every frame looks picturesque. Sets, costumes, detail all outstanding, especially in the large-scale set-pieces. Jackie Chan gets to administer a token ass kicking; more generally, he does well with his character, despite sharing screen time with scores of important characters that are continually introduced up to the last reel. With several TV series of the same story warranting 60 x 45 min, and 41x 45 minute episodes, this film feels like you’re flipping through a 1,000 page history book looking only at the pictures and captions – ignoring the main text. Unfortunately, being Chan‘s 100th movie is the most significant thing about 1911, and most disappointingly, there’s only a glimpse of the entertaining ass-kicking and stunts that made him a global star. The scope is just far, far too big to pull off in a conventional movie format.

Score: 4.5/10

NOTE: UK DVD is 95 minutes long, not international 125 minute cut

New York, I Love You: a collection of short stories all about New York and New Yoykers – loosely labelled under the umbrella ‘romance’. The vignette setup just doesn’t do it for me, far too many characters, and differing themes / tones / styles / storylines – all mashed together, tediously linked through the location. The second problem is the quality control, or lack of – a few of the shorts were really good; prom night, pickpockets, old couple – but the rest were all varyingly pretentious and dull stories featuring varyingly pretentious and dull artisan characters – some of whom are beyond absurd – Ethan Hawke, I’m talking to you. Despite being all about NY, and the ‘love of the city’ there’s not that much iconic scenery; it’s mostly grimy side streets, greasy spoons, apartments, bars, yellow cabs, ect,  which doesn’t really capture the vibes of the big apple – although someone could probably argue that this captures ‘THE REAL NEW YORK, BRO’. Given the massive list of A-list actors (and them some) New York, I Love You is massively disappointing – parts are good, but overall it’s collectively dull. Give City Island a bash instead!

Score: 5/10

The Front Line (a.k.a. Battle of Highlands): a lieutenant is sent to the front line to investigate potential betrayal and espionage among the South Korean army. The main plot point is as compelling as you could ask for in a War film: North and South Korea sacrificing over 50,000 soldiers to continually fight over one ‘strategic’ hill that would shape the border when the country is divided – control of the hill flipped between North/South over 30 times during the Korean War, it’s unbelievable. Interestingly, it’s politically neutral – there’s no ‘bad guys’ as both sides are painted as simply following the mad orders from above. The battle scenes are scarily realistic and intense, peaking in a brutal, heartbreaking, final 25 minutes, as the story takes one last turn. The performances are solid, soldiers come across as realistic & human, and are developed enough that you care about them – there’s more emotion than most war movies, although there are points where it’s tipped into manipulative melodrama. This also helps the impact of the toll of war on these guys; shell shock / injuries / senseless violence / limb-loss. The side-story about the box used to swap supplies is also a nice touch. There’s not much colour in the movie, grey, greens and white snow are about as bright as it gets, and there’s a hammy song repeated several times, but they’re minor complaints.The Front Line delivers everything required of a war picture, and can easily stand up there alongside Assembly as the best Asian War films I’ve seen.

Score: 7.5/10

Homeland: eight years after going MIA a U.S. marine is rescued and taken home, but a C.I.A. agent suspects he may be a terrorist. Overall the scope of the plot feels like it would be a side-story in 24, maybe spanning 6 episodes – Homeland is stretched over 12 full episodes ‘beefed up’ with small, pointless stories – some of which aren’t resolved, or even mentioned again (internal investigation / Saul’s potential involvement / Saul’s wife). My biggest problem was the very slow-moving is he / isn’t he story, it gets quite monotonous after several episodes, and once you know what side he’s on, it kills the show flat. Both central characters are extremely complex – Danes struggles to convince with some horrific eye-bulding and body/movement over acting. Lewis is good, but doesn’t quite have the full chops to convey the inner conflicts and troubles of the character. The daughter (Saylor) and Saul (Patinkin) were the two best actors. In the end, I cared just enough to watch the finalé, which was undoubtedly the best and most fresh / original part of the series, 60 minutes of killer, 30 more minutes of wrap-up ‘meh’. I can appreciate how this would go down more favourably in the USA (it’s current, it’s political, it hits a lot of nerves) but for me, Homeland feels like it’s just filling a ‘post-24 American domestic terrorist drama’ gap, and not much more.

Score: 5.5/10

S.W.A.T. – a drug kingpin offers $100M to anyone that will bust him out of prison; a special weapons and tactics (SWAT) team is assigned to make sure he checks in to the big house. Most evidently, this bad boy has every single cop film cliché you could find in the ‘big book of cop film clichés. The unit’s best hot-shot is a maverick that gets results, but he’s bounced off the team (because of his ill-tempered partner) by pencil pushers; another wildcard officer sees potential and puts both their careers on the line reinstating him – would you like some more platitude sauce with your hackneyed sammich sir? Not content with having a copy/paste story, every sloppy racial / cultural / actor stereotype is also present; Samuel L. is very angry-with-attitude, Renner has a short fuse, macho man Michelle Rodriguez pops up in her white vest, everything’s too familiar, right down to the ‘uncool vegan loser’ and ‘big fat black mama’ that shouts “mmmmmmmm  hhhmmmmmmm”. The action is big, loud and decent, if a little ridiculous – like a Die Hard / Michael Bay movie. It’s all so ridiculous that it couldn’t possibly be anything other than a cheesy, tongue in cheek satire of the genre?  Surprisingly enough, despite not having an ounce of originality, S.W.A.T. is super-strength, all too watchable, well-executed, cheese-tastic, guilty pleasure action material.

Score: 6/10

Knight and Day A wanted super spy (Cruise) somehow thinks it’s OK to tangle a random civilian (Diaz) into his escape plans. Up front – there are simply too many things to dislike in this movie; the plot is terrible, the tone is uneven – big action or goofy parody, derivative script, neither lead is any good, neither lead is watchable or likable, etc, etc… The secret agent keeps knocking out the gal when she’s just about to put 2 + 2 together, that’s no way to treat a Lady, even if she is only with you for the money! Moreover, the whole film feels like a big, strategic, crass plan to simply make a ton of box office, without as much of a thought given to the actual product.

It genuinely made the Mrs and I want to make a suicide pact, but before things got that far, we switched it off after a record-breaking 15 minutes. Bankable A-list stars, does not a good movie make! GAME OVER, Cruise.

Alternative Plans: just went to bed early that night, ‘cos that’s how we roll.

The Raven: murders inspired by Edgar Allan Poe stories mark him as a suspect, however he and the police must use his specific knowledge to crack the case and find the real killer. Despite Renner, McGregor and Phoenix being marked for the lead, I don’t think any would have been as entertaining as Cusack, who film heavily relies on to elevate it above a standard thriller – he nailed the hard job of playing a watchable, likable asshole. Supporting cast are also solid, from Evans doing a Nelson Van Alden to Alice Eve‘s boobs and teeth – Gleeson‘s accent though, WTF?! The story’s dark, accompanied with some explicit gore and graphic death scenes. There’s some sneaky misdirection towards the end, and the killer could have been anyone really; the post script in Paris is also a little out of tone with the rest of the movie. It’s well-directed, with some great suspense built up, particularly in the pursuit and masked ball scenes – it also never drags. The script is generally good, although there’s some tactical swearing and spats of dialogue that seemed a little obvious and uninspired for such a great mind. Sure, a killer looming over foggy candle-lit 1800s streets isn’t a new idea, but I’m surprised at the heavy critical bashing this has taken; although perhaps it’s because this is only my first Poe movie, so have no comparison? For me, The Raven was a thoroughly enjoyable, old-fashioned, ‘classical’, gothic, Hammer-esque, atmospheric murder mystery romp with a hint of Giallo – and all the better for being a blend of fact, fiction and Poe’s famous works.

Score: 7.5/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This review is from Susannah at Not Really Working, a site that discusses everything from The Apprentice and Twitter to books and the Premiership!

Trishna: If the idea of Michael Winterbottom directing another Thomas Hardy adaptation fills you with fear and loathing, you should probably give Trishna a wide berth. This loose update of Hardy’s Tess of d’Urbervilles, transplants the action to modern-day India, and stars Freida Pinto as a beautiful young woman with lousy taste in men. When hotelier’s son Jay (Riz Ahmed) offers Trishna a job, a rosy future beckons, with financial security for her impoverished family. But the reality turns out to be utterly bleak and – at times – hard to watch. The first half of the film is light on action but filled with stunning photography, as Marcel Zyskind captures the glories of India‘s architecture and landscape as well as the teeming streets of Mumbai. When things go sour between Trishna and the bastard Jay, you’re reminded of other abusive relationships so graphically depicted in Winterbottom’s The Killer Inside Me. I’m not convinced that Pinto has the acting skills to match her spectacular looks, so I became frustrated both by Trishna’s passivity and the deterministic nature of Hardy’s doom-laden story. For a good time, I’d suggest booking a holiday in India, avoiding this film and not packing a copy of Jude the Obscure in your luggage.

Score: 4/10 (2 stars)

21 Jump street: two useless police officers are assigned to a revived ‘undercover‘ branch of the department. The film’s lucky in that it has two genres to mashup and play with – buddy cop and high school – which it does effectively, although the school element is far, far funnier. The first hour is fantastic, catches you off guard, full of well-observed school humour, and ‘random’ comedy (Korean Jesus, trippy drug scenes etc) – I almost choked at one point. It does however deflate and lose its magic in the second half as it frantically ticks all of the boxes you’d see in a bog-standard cop-buddy story arc. Jonah Hill is funny, but well within his comfort zone; Channing “is there anything he can’t do” Tatum is comedy gold – he hinted at this by being the only good thing about last year’s Dilemma, but this is a whole other level – show stealingly good. For additional smartness there’s a nice run of meta jokes about recycling ideas & humour, and loads of movie tropes – these can be found in the car chase and party scenes. With an emphasis on off-the-wall humour, and a genuinely funny script paired with some great improvisation, 21 Jump Street is a solid contender for comedy of the year.

Score: 7.5/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This here is an excitable ‘review’ I wrote in 2005, trying my best to convince everyone on my local bulletin board that they must see this film.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (aka 力王, Lik Wong, Li Wang)

I’ve seen a lot of fucked up films, but few can compare to the crazyness that is… The Story Of Ricky. Made in 1991, this film is pretty much a genreless gore-fest, everything’s included from comedy to action to crime, it’s all there. Set in a prison in 2001 you know it’s going to be fucked up when the opening blurb is something like

“2001AD, democratic governments have sold everything from prisons to parking lots over to corporations: violence rules” – you see what the commies did there? Down with democracy, and all that!

So anyway, the story’s about a guy called Ricky, I think he’s a pansy, but everyone’s scared of him ‘cos he’s got ‘super-bad-ass-strength’. The very first gore scene is an old guy getting his face re-arranged with a woodwork PLANE!! then Ricky beats this guy up by tripping him up on to a block of wood covered in nails… setting the tone for the greatest film ever made.

So Ricky runs around beating everyone else up in prison, punching through arms legs and even other people’s punches, he looks real tough… but when no-one’s watching this pansy sits in a corner thinking about his dead girlfriend and playing a pan pipe…

So much violent, but amateur, gore – it’s amazing. Must see for horror and gore fans.

“THIS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL GORY FU FLICKS! Plainly amazing, we’re talking heads punched in half, guys using their intestines (hanging out of their body cavity) to strangle Ricky, women kicking dogs in half, people exploding, and internal organs flying all over the place.” – badmovies.org

Punched through the face!

—–

Fast forward to the present and I’ve now watched this film about a dozen times with a whole heap of friends (usually whilst drinking). It’s a great movie for both its insane levels of OTT gore, and the tons of random Asian elements that make these oriental B-movies so endearing.

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This guest paragraph review is from Fogs at Fogs Movie Reviews; an awesome review site that generates a LOT of discussion about films.

Searching for Bobby Fischer: Directed by noted screenwriter Steve Zaillian (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Moneyball, Schindler’s List), “Searching for Bobby Fischer” is an intimate look at the challenge of growing up “gifted”. It’s the story of young Joshua Waitzkin (Max Pomeranc), and what happens when it’s discovered that he’s a chess prodigy. Joe Montegna and Joan Allen play young Josh’s parents, and the two do a great job of showing the pride, anxieties, and inner conflicts involved in raising a brilliant child. How far do you push him? How much time do you have him dedicate to his gift vs a “normal” childhood? As they begin to train Josh and enter him in competitive events, he meets two very different mentors. One is a “speed chess” hustler in Washington Square Park (Lawrence Fishburne), and the other is a very exclusive, private, traditional tutor (Ben Kingsley). The two clash over the boy’s training, as you might imagine, but the true conflict of the film revolves around just how hard a child should be pushed to grow up, to compete, and to hone a killer instinct that might jeopardize the innocence of youth. With such a great cast (it also features small roles by William H. Macy, Dan Hedaya, and Laura Linney), and such a compelling story, “Searching for Bobby Fischer” winds up being a very moving, heartfelt film. It’s sitting at 100% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, Roger Ebert gives it four stars, and I myself recommend it very highly.

 

Score 8/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one is a letter highlighting my problems with the most unnecessary show on TV – The Only Way is Essex.

OPEN LETTER – The Only Way is Essex (aka TOWIE)

Dear ITV,

Please, please, please stop this show.

For anyone unfamiliar with the current UK trend, we are going through a bizarre phase of regionally specific, ultra-tacky, scripted ‘reality TV Shows’ that rip off The Hills / The City / The O.C. – but remove any traces of high-society, fashion, style and class. The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE) is the biggest of these shows, but we also have the cleverly titled Desperate Scousewives, Geordie Shore, and Made in Chelsea.

Series 1 of The Only Way is Essex introduced us to the main characters: club promoter Mark, his best friend club singer James 'Arg' Argent, his sister girl band member Jessica, his on/off love Lauren, club owner Kirk, Kirk's girlfriend beautician Amy, her best friend glamour model Sam and Amy's cousin Harry. The two central relationships between Mark and Lauren and Kirk and Amy were at the heart of this first series. Kirk and Amy's love started off strong but she was jealous of his job and his flirting with other girls and called it off. Kirk later begins a relationship with DJ Lauren Pope, much to Amy's chagrin, and she and Sam try to find love elsewhere. Mark and Lauren have been on/off since they were teenagers and at the start of the programme they are separated with Mark in a relationship with fashion designer Lucy. However, it transpires that Lauren and Mark have secretly been sleeping together behind Lucy's back.  When Lauren gets an offer to travel to Dubai on work she is unsure whether to leave Mark or not. It also transpires that Mark and Sam may have had a sexual relationship at some point during Mark's time with Lauren. Elsewhere Arg and his ex-girlfriend Lydia decide to give things another go despite her jealousy of Arg's relationship with Mark. And girl band Lola, which include Mark's sister Jessica, are signed by a record company and start to work on a debut single. Mark opens a club on Halloween. However it burns down soon after and is never talked about again. The climax of the first series is a charity boxing match between Mark and Kirk, which Mark wins. During the match, Lauren and Lucy have a confrontation where Lucy tells Lauren she knows about her and Mark going behind her back and is disgusted by the whole thing. Mark tries to reassure Lucy about their stability of their relationship but when Lauren reveals she is going to Dubai, Mark tries to stop her.

Sam Faiers, Lauren Pope, Diags, Chloe Sims

TOWIE lands somewhere between a low-rent Jersey Shore, cheap soap opera, and ‘Children say the dumbest things’ clip show. In fact, it could more accurately be called “Vapid wannabes do the most desperate things”. Most ‘scenes’ revolve around men/women spending large amounts of money pampering themselves; men/women talking about who is texting/snogging/arguing with who; men/women confrontationally shouting at each other; etc etc. Some scenes are actually just women talking about how great their fake breasts are. It’s essentially playground politics with ‘adults’.

As series two kicks off Mark is still in a casual relationship with Sam, who opens a boutique with her sister Billie in the first episode, however he decides to give things with Lauren another go. When he finds out that Lauren is having her tattoo with his name on it removed he proposes and she accepts. The two spend most of the rest of the series planning their wedding and moving in together despite Lauren's clashes with Jessica, Mark's mother Carol and his grandmother Nanny Pat. Mark also considers several career paths during the series, including opening a glamour model agency but eventually decides return to promoting. Kirk and Lauren Pope briefly split up but while on a date with Lucy he realises how much he misses her and they get back together.  Problems in their relationship arise when Kirk clashes with Lauren's best friend Maria and the two end up arguing. Kirk presents Lauren with a key to his place and plans for her to move in but gives her the impression that he doesn't want Maria to visit. Arg and Lydia initially seem to have a strong relationship with plans to move in together which are halted when Arg reveals the he wishes to move into the flat below Mark. Arg also has problems passing his driving test and losing weight and clashes with Lydia's mum Debbie. Cracks start to appear in Lydia and Arg's relationship when Lucy, Billie and Sam reveal that Arg has possibly cheated on her and revelations that Arg had been bragging about a relationship between he and Amy.  New characters in series two include Joey Essex a club promoter who aspires to be the new Mark Wright and uses the word 'reem' to describe things that look good. Joey initially pursues Lucy but when she tells him that she doesn't want to date another Mark Wright he goes after Sam instead. The two share a kiss in a swimming pool during Harry's birthday and later start dating although Joey's dating style does leave a little to be desired. Joey also starts promoting a night at Kirk's Sugar Hut which goes down a storm but makes Mark jealous as he feels like he is losing his touch. Joey's model cousin Chloe is also introduced and it seems that Kirk's dad Mick wants to start dating her despite their obvious age gap.  Another new character, car saleswoman Gemma, also actively goes after Mick using several tactics to try and ensnare him all of which fail. The series ends with a pool party, organised by Mark, in which all the characters with the exception of Lauren are present. Mick teases Kirk that he is going to present a bottle of champagne to a girl that he is after which Gemma believes to be her but instead turns out to be Lauren's sister Nicola a moment that leaves Gemma in floods of tears. Amy confronts Arg about his lies to Lydia about their supposed relationship and later Arg tries to get Lydia back when he sees her with another man. Lauren arrives at the party to confront Mark about not inviting her and he tells her off for embarrassing him so she pushes him in the pool.

Mario Falcone, Jessica Wright, Lucy Mecklenburgh, Two bikini babes.

The so-called stars of the show don’t even register on the talent spectrum – some find it difficult to speak (incomprehensible accents aside) – and most annoyingly, they don’t seem to have worked for fame, so why hand it over? At 26 years old, even I remember when the term ‘celebrity’ used to mean something; athletes, entertainers, singers, actors, comedians – some of whom spent the majority of their lifetime working hard, and being genuinely charming & interesting. Shows like this, in conjunction with the gutter press, have degraded and diluted the word beyond recognition.

Amy Childs - Reem!!

You only need to look at Essex queen Amy Childs to see why shining the spotlight on these people is a bad idea. Once happy supergluing plastic sparkles on to vaginas (aka a “Vajazzle”), she somehow came out of TOWIE on a high, and now there is nothing she won’t say, no TV show she’ll turn down, and no product she won’t pedal to stay in the limelight – her own spin-off show, fashion line, fake tan, and Pot Noodles!!! In Celebrity Big Brother the public voted her 4th, after a gypsy who wasn’t even famous, Jedward (two annoying Irish media sluts) and Kerry Katona, a permanently troubled media personality. Amy Childs genuinely makes Paris Hilton look as smart and eloquent as Angela Merkel.

These people are terrible role models for young and impressionable viewers. Surely there’s a morality issue of letting anybody think that it’s OK to be this shallow, fake, materialistic, self-obsessed, narcissistic, boring, or so aggressively pro-plastic surgery? A decade ago these people would have been rehabilitated on other shows, yet we’re now at a point where they are star material, and put on a pedestal.

Shows like this don’t normally bother me as they’re tucked away on the far-flung channels, however the idiots of TOWIE town are absolutely EVERYWHERE. They get an unbelievableamount of column inches in the tabloids and trashy mags, but most annoyingly they keep popping up in lots of other prime-time panel shows, talk shows, dating shows etc… Their coverage is now so saturated that even actively avoiding them doesn’t work. In case I haven’t made it clear; these people have zero wit, talent, or charm and bring down anything they appear in.

"This show is not real, but we will pretend it is"

"This show is not real, but we will pretend it is"

My biggest gripe with the show however is that it’s continually painted as ‘real life’, ‘fly on the wall’, ‘documentary’. But when you watch it, everything is so meticulously set up that it’s clearly, 100% staged – the camerawork, audio (perfect sound in a nightclub!), lighting… the only thing that’s not predictable is the cast remembering their lines. And when the people go about their ‘day to day’ lives, all I can think of is “who is paying for these people to live like this?!?”

I could rant about this for hours but the bottom line is that this is simply the dumbest show on TV; the fact that people’s names flash up at the start of every scene (to remind the viewers who is who) really says it all about the show and its audience. It’s so bad that I struggle to sympathise with the viewers, and reckon they should be a little bit at least a little bit ashamed of liking it. Comparing this to junk food is doing junk food a disservice.

Series three kicks off with the revelations that both Mark and Lauren and Kirk and Lauren Pope have split up with both Laurens now living together. Mark vows to a life of celibacy but soon finds himself tempted when he finds Lucy in her underwear in Jessica's flat. Meanwhile Lucy is now seeing Mario who tells her not to see Mark but after Mark finds out Mario has been badmouthing he tells him that he can get Lucy any time he wants. Arg and Lydia are back together but Lydia's fractured relationship with his best friend Mark is still causing problems for Arg especially when he forced to spend time with Lucy and Mario.  When Mark reveals that he spent the night with Lucy while Mario was away, Lydia and Arg side with their two friends and when Lydia confronts Mark, Arg accuses her of being a bully. Eventually Mark and Lydia make up but Arg still feels self-concious about his weight and also decides to take a new job as a hospital radio DJ as Lydia opens a new vintage store he feels that he is not good enough for her. While trying to lose weight together at Boot Camp Gemma confesses to Arg that if he and Lydia weren't together she may consider seeing him but she tells Lydia not to worry about anything.  During Karoake Night at the Sugar Hut, Mark is seen texting someone with various characters checking their phones it eventually turns out to be Sam. Sam and Mark then embark on a casual relationship which includes dates to a cooking lesson and skiing after Sam and sister Billie are attacked her and Mark begin dating properly and Mark's family invite Sam round to eat with them. This annoys Lauren as she feels Mark's family never accepted her and that Sam has betrayed her. During Chloe's birthday party Mark tries to settle things with Lauren but she angers Sam so much the two get into a argument.  The newly single Kirk and Joey begin a bromance calling themselves Team "Jirk". Kirk teaches Joey how to be more domestic after he moves into a new flat and soon the two meet two girls named Cara and Billi. While Joey seems quite taken by Cara, Kirk struggles to get on with Billi and launches into a tirade at both of them when they come to his house to confront them. When Sam is attacked Joey goes to visit her and confesses that he still loves her but she is by this point back with Mark. Kirk also encounters problems at home after his dad Mick starts dating Maria as he never got on with her and he feels that Maria is after her dad's money. After a couple of dates it is revealed that Maria previously worked as an escort and when Mick sees her coming out of a club with another man he ends the relationship and she leaves to go back home to Derby for a while.  With Chloe approaching 30 she feels inadequate that she is without a man and wants to better her body by getting bum implants but decides against it and for her birthday she has her own wedding where her cousin Joey becomes Prince Charming. Gemma decides to teach Harry to drive and also learns that he is has started dating the half-German Kurt, Gemma is also pursued this series by Greek twins Georgio and Dino who she adores but who are far too small for her.  With Debbie and Lydia warming to Mario it seems that he can't put a foot wrong but then it is revealed that his former girlfriend, card-shop owner Perri, was told by him that he never fancied Lucy and is just dating her for a more prominent role on the show. Lucy gets increasinly paranoid about Mario's activities and tells him that he can have a night off from their relationship he goes off to a club where he gets very pally with the two Laurens. Mario eventually sees the text that Lucy sent to Jessica proving that something happened between her and Mark when Lucy tells Mario she can't remember what happened he leaves her and they break up.  After the fight between Lauren and Sam, Mark decides its not fair to the women in his life that he stays around Essex and tells his parents that he is going to move on. In an emotional scene with Arg, Mark says he will miss his best friend but it seems that Arg and Lydia are back on track claiming they will never break-up. Mark makes his final Essex appearance at a Fireworks Night Party in which he tells Lauren that he will always love her but he's not in love with her any more. At the same party Joey and Jessica surprise everyone by kissing on the dancefloor. Lucy gets up to speak in front of everyone and addresses Mario telling him she knows she did wrong but she wants a second chance he tells her that he still loves her and they can work through things. Mark asks Sam if they can have a proper relationship if she leaves with him but she can't see them being anything more than close friends and tells him she doesn't want any more. The series ends with Mark looking around the club at all his friends, foes and family before giving Arg a hug and walking off into the night.

Gemma Collins, Joey Essex, Ricky Rayment, Georgina Dorsett

The Only Way is Essex is like the circus freak show has gone full circle, and ITV assumes that the public’s taste hasn’t changed since then either. I love bad TV, I also love bad, scripted reality TV, but shows like this are definitely a step too far. TOWIE provides negative entertainment, education or cultural value. I truly hope that this goes down as one of the darkest hours of TVland. ITV / ITV2 – this joke has gone on for far too long.

What’s your thoughts on TOWIE? Am I being too harsh?

Contraband: a struggling ex-con must secure his family’s safety by doing one final smuggling run. Being a re-make of Rekjavik-Rotterdam, Hollywood does what it does best and strips out a lot of the smaller background stories, characters, undertones, and relationships that thickened up the original plot, and raised the stakes a little more. Wahlberg‘s steady, but disappointingly typecast as the everyman, and costume-wise, could be from any previous film. This is all minor compared to Giovanni Ribisi, what the fuck is he doing!? His lines were delivered in the most ridiculous accent I’ve heard in years. The rest of the supporting cast really do keep the film propped up, although nobody’s particularly stretched. It’s well-directed, with the urgency maximised and lots of nice shots that play with focusing – it feels quite European / independent. There’s a decent gunfight in the middle (audio is immense) and in true modern heist fashion lots of loose ends are tied up in the final 15 mins. Unfortunately, New Orleans felt like an excuse for decent music, and nothing more. As expected, this is pretty much a cut-down, edges-smoothed, version of the original. It’s decent, but I’d suggest seeking out the original instead.

Score: 6.5/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one’s about one of the most immature, yet enjoyable, movie related games in existence. WARNING: Stop reading here if you’re easily offended!

My friends and I have been playing this game for years now. The rules are simple: take the title of a film and change one of the words (here’s the mature bit) to ‘Vagina’ – when you run out of ideas expand to TV shows / band names  / songs / books / plays… the sky is the limit. When you run out of ideas, time to flick through your TV planner / Radio Times magazine and apply as necessary.

I know I know, it’s ridiculous, immature and stupid but I swear if you kick this game off with your friends it can easily go on intensely for a whole night, strongly for a week, and periodically for years.

Without further adieu, here’s a list of my favourite so far: please, please pitch in with your best shot.

My Big Fat Greek Vagina

Vagina got Fingered

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Vagina

I Spit on your Vagina

Mega Shark Vs Giant Vagina

No Country for Old Vaginas

How to Train your Vagina

The Girl who played with Vaginas

The Girl who kicked the Hornet’s Vagina

Touching the Vagina

How to Lose a Vagina in 10 Days

The Hunt for Red Vagina

The Man with the Golden Vagina

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Vagina

Edward Vaginahands

The Vagina Busters

Fun with Dick and Vagina

Little Vagina of Horrors

Annie get your Vagina

Bang the Vagina Slowly

The Neverending Vagina

Buffy the Vagina Slayer

The Little Vagina of Horrors

A Vaginaful of Dollars

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Vaginas

He’s Just Not that Into Vaginas

Eternal Sunshine of a spotless Vagina

Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter

Furry Vagina

Nanny McPhee and the Big Vagina

My Bloody Vagina

Lara Croft: Vagina Raider

For your Vagina Only

Can anyone better these?

Battle Royale: the Japanese government randomly select a school class and dump them on an island with an assortment of weapons – the last kid standing wins their freedom! The the most powerful aspects of this film are the simple concept and the use of school kids (which everyone can relate to) forcing the ‘could you do it?’ question on viewers. Despite having no monsters, this is darker and bloodier than most horror films. The level of gore is unbelievable: blood sprays at every cut or gunshot, heads roll, internals bleed… rough stuff seeing characters vomit blood or getting riddled with bullets, worse still considering they’re around 15 years old. Even scarier, the whole concept is played so straight, with some pretty black humour, that you can easily believe in this dystopian near-future. There’s a whole load of Japanese schoolgirl skirt and leg for any dirty old men of that persuasion; and the teacher (Kitano) also has a very unsettling obsession with one pupil. The recurring emphasis on father’s suicide feels off, and more generally, the flashbacks / dream sequence all feel out-of-place among the bloodshed / fast-paced action. It’s hard to tell through the translation, but the script’s a little weak, with loads of cheesy, rhetorical, open-ended questions, leading to some over-cooking in the acting department. Despite these minor issues Battle Royale is a classic in every sense of the word, and has a longevity that you don’t see often – even watching it for the 5th time, it’s still disturbing. Action-packed, all-killer, world cinema classic.

Score: 8.5/10

Note: this makes for a bitchin’ drinking game: 1 second every time someone dies in the game, and every time it is recapped in the 3-hourly reports.

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one’s about the best of arguably TVs worst genre – and before anyone asks, no, the site has not been hacked!

Despite being comfortable right down at the very bottom of the TV show hierarchy, match-making and dating shows have been around for decades. Circa ‘95-‘05 MTV went to town on the format, producing and broadcasting some of the trashiest TV people could be exposed to at the time. On holiday last summer I stumbled across MTV Spain filling daytime slots with re-runs, and it reminded me of the ‘best in genre’ (and I use that phrase loosely) over the years. These shows were once – inexplicably – my biggest and saddest vice when it came to vegging out in front of the box. It’s difficult to pinpoint why, although I suspect it involves the cringe inducing, dignity shattering, embarrassment of every contestant involved. Here’s the best ones I can remember:

Singled Out:  the daddy of all modern dating shows. A modern twist on the classic blind-date, 1 person works through 50 rowdy potential hook-ups, swiftly filtering by physical characteristics (hair, height, eyes…) and some equally shallow questions. Simple, genius and the chants of “You gotta go, you gotta go!” are ingrained in my brain for life.

Date my Mom: a single guy/girl goes on dates with the parents of 3 potential partners, and must choose one solely based on their experience. Best/worst bits – embarrassing stories, desperate parents, inherent creepiness, and general face-numbing cringe-factor.


Next
: A guy/girl has 5 potential partners sitting in a nearby bus. During a date the singleton can shout ‘Next!’ and the current one gets replaced by the next in line. Best/Worst bits – some people not making it to the tarmac, and the last guy in the bus – forever alone.

Room Raiders: A singlet selects a mate by pilfering through their – usually disgusting – bedroom in order to glean an accurate character assessment, as you do! Best/Worst bits – semen stains everywhere, drug paraphernalia, porn and skid marks.

Dismissed: 1 person simultaneously dates two potential partners – at any time either competitor can call a time out on the other for some 1:1 action, the single dismisses the person she least likes. Best/worst bits – some loose lips/hands, skanks, and rampant jealousy.

Exposed: while someone dates two people, their BFF is in a van with ‘lie detecting equipment’, feeding info to the dater through an earpiece. Best/Worst bits – seeing people say anything to get some action.

 

Beauty and the Geek: (technically not a dating show, but too bad to miss out) teams of ridiculously hot ‘babes’ compete against teams of stereotypical nerdy guys for a big cash prize. Best/Worst bits – seeing two extremes of society compromise and trying to find ‘common ground’.

Non-MTV: Honourable mentions

Dating in the Dark (UK): 3 guys and 3 girls date in a pitch black room, basing attraction purely on personality and touchy feely moments. They each get 10 seconds of light on one pick at the end of the show before deciding who – if anyone – they will wait for; expectations are usually shattered. Best/Worst bits – people falling in love with an ‘ugly’, then turning them down at the last-minute because they’re shallow idiots.

Average Joe (US): A model-esque hot chick has to whittle down potential 18 fat / skinny / bald / ugly / nerdy / socially inept guys and pick a partner. Half way through the season they throw in a bunch of model-esque males, for added friction. Best/Worst bit – watching the hottie pretend to actually give a toss about the normal guys, and get off with everyone!

Take Me Out (UK): 30 desperate women are presented with a guy, and when they get turned off they buzz out of the game; anyone still in after the last round can potentially get a date. Best/Worst bits – blackouts, when the guy gets 30 black lights and shuffles out of the studio to the tune of “All by myself” by Celine Dion, part of my soul dies every time this happens.

I’m happy to report that this dirty habit has been almost been beaten – Take Me Out is still mandatory viewing in my house, but is becoming a little boring and predictable in its 3rd season.

Did anyone else go through this phase? and what’s YOUR favourite dating show of all-time???

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This guest paragraph review is from Edinburgh-based Rebecca at The Thrifty Chick; a site about  books, travel, music, movies – and everything else.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: finds Judy Dench, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith and a host of others playing a group of fed up retirees whose desire to avoid becoming invisibly old in the UK leads them to Jaipur in India.  The plan is to age with grace amid the splendour of a luxury campus for “the elderly and beautiful”.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, however, life among the marigolds is not quite the haven of tranquility our intrepid travellers had been expecting.  The hotel is crumbling to the ground, and despite his best efforts the erratic management style of owner Sonny (Dev Patel) is in all likelihood making matters worse.  Given time, however, this hilariously shambolic building and its colourful surroundings find their way into the hearts of (most of) the residents.  The film is a little predictable in plot and at times a touch too reliant on harvesting comedy kicks from a field of well-worn “are we really still doing this” stereotypes.  It did, however, do what I thought was a stellar job of highlighting some of the more emotional aspects of growing old, and it has to be applauded for putting the spotlight on an age demographic that we see so little of in the cinema.  In terms of performance, Dench and Smith stood out as did Penelope Wilton, whose portrayal of Nighy’s jealous, uptight spouse was brilliantly grating.  Nighy himself turned in one of those goofily endearing performances that are fast becoming his trademark.  He does it well, but it would have been good to see him play one of the other strings on his bow this time.  Overall, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is lighthearted and fun, spirited and colourful.  It’s laugh out loud funny but it also manages to punch above its weight in emotional terms.  More than anything, it left me with a real hankering to visit India.  And on that note, it’s off to Trip Advisor…

Score: 7/10

Note: this is post #500 since starting the site way back in July of 2009! To mark this, next week will feature guest reviews, several ‘feature’ posts as well as some more regular Paragraph Film Reviews. Thanks to everyone that reads, comments and visits the site, particularly the regulars. You folks are ace!

Seraphim Falls: a determined bounty hunter (Neeson) and his hired guns are chasing a skilled man (Brosnan) through the wilderness for reasons unknown. With two big actors centre screen you’d expect this film to play well… Broz takes his grunting to a whole new level as he’s on his own for most of his part – unfortunately, there’s also a scene where he’s genuinely out-acted by a horse! Pre-heroic re-invention Neeson feels miscast here, and in general everyone looks a bit disinterested. The writing is sloppy, and storytelling has a lot to be desired – an Indian and saleswoman appear – only to facilitate a showdown – and we don’t know why Broz is even being hunted for around 90 minutes – who should we be rooting for? With this, there’s not a whole lot of tension (essential for a decent cat-and-mouse story). It’s partially well-shot, making the biggest reason to watch this some great scenery of wilderness and breathtaking landscapes. Overlong, uninteresting and full of questionable acting, Seraphim Falls feels like a bunch of guys walking about in the words, then desert for the most part – it’s is nobody’s finest hour. 3:10 to Yuma is still the daddy of modern westerns!

Score: 3/10