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Total Recall

January 14, 2016
Film Reviews
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Total Recall Remake London Big Ben Colin Farrell , Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Bokeem Woodbine, Bill Nighy, John Cho, Steve Byers, Ethan Hawke,

Total Recall (Remake): in order to take a break from his life Douglas Quaid visits Rekall, a company that implants false memories to distract people from their pitiful existence. I went into this expecting a big steaming pile of shiitake mushrooms, but was pleasantly surprised by how daft and enjoyable it was. Not a whole lot has been changed from the original movie – other than the edges being filed down – but there is so much action that you didn’t really have the time to think about the story more than 30 seconds. Fist fights, gunfights, robot fights, chases, explosions, floating cars, and loads of future tech – all set in a spectacular world that evokes the metropolises featured in the likes of Minority Report, Fifth Element, iRobot, and more recently, Dredd. Whilst it will never win any awards for acting, originality, politics (Great Britain and the Australian sub-human Colony – LOL) or even being a required remake – the 2012 Total Recall gives the original a modern facelift, putting an emphasis on the ‘instantly forgettable CGI-heavy Sci-Fi action romp’ angle.

Score: 6/10

 Total Recall remake Colony World Special Effects Colin Farrell , Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Bokeem Woodbine, Bill Nighy, John Cho, Steve Byers, Ethan Hawke,

GREATEST HITS: #SearchTermOfTheDay (Totally NSFW)

March 5, 2014
Features
12 Comments

The awesome people that follow me on twitter will be familiar with #searchtermoftheday – a regular feature of the best searches that real people type in to real search engines, which (somehow) directs them to this site.

Unfortunately, Google have started encrypting their searches, meaning that the majority of search engine referrals are no longer known – so enjoy these while you can. Here are some of the greatest hits from the past few years. It should be obvious they they’re 100% genuine / real, because nobody could think them up…

Amusing / phrasing

  • devout ass
  • boobs all size abcdefgh
  • courtroom puns
  • stupid catface photos
  • movie with alot of action and tits
  • hats with special powers
  • james bond licensed chest wigs
  • unimaginable lust
  • Mark ROFLoMark ROFLO
  • jackie chan asian?
  • skid marks + mtv room raiders
  • monkey is a good pet?
  • blowjobs please
  • the fighter ugliest cast ever
  • give me a parafraph about jesus was a commie
  • pancakes are fucking gay
  • massive fannies
  • midget mechanics
  • someone please explain tree of life
  • chick fights boobs everywhere
  • boys bumming each other

Stupid Questions:

Weirdly specific

  • cartoon images of men who is going through menopause
  • japanese naked women on salarymen’s desks
  • first experience of going to the cinema adult style
  • big bouncy tits shot full of bullets by zombies
  • old tv show where a man has two personalities in one hes an assigned killer in the other hes a loving husband
  • big fake titties, guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off
  • “unique is young, full of energy and a bottom girl that loves big dicks on her men and the darker the better!”
  • write a short paragraph about your experience with your friend to go camping
  • adult foreign film from 1980s where fox hunters on horse back hunted nude women
  • the pornsite jay was using in the inbetweeners movie
  • My parents went to Miami and all I got was molested by my neighbor
  • cannibal story of young girls being fucked milked then gets crushed up

Saught-after celebrity body parts (these are around 40% of incoming hits):

Fetish / Sexy-to-someone / Fapping

  • womenpigsex
  • horse penis
  • dogporn film
  • upskirts vintage martial arts girls
  • sumo sex
  • huge monster dildo shop
  • unthinkable penisNude Nuns Big Guns based on a true story
  • xxx rat torture
  • vibrator fight
  • pointy tits
  • penis biting gore movies
  • bikini clad bitches playing chess
  • women pig sexual
  • mega fuck slut masturbator
  • lara croft bound and gagged
  • http://www.madogasex.com
  • classic porn movie with rose in pussy
  • batman and catwoman get busy
  • bondage chess
  • kate beckinsale tied up
  • bizarre bestiality productions
  • why wank with ham?
  • jock strap stories
  • needles in tits movies
  • “assassin” “porn” “silencer”
  • tall moustached transvestites
  • cool big semi trucks and hot chicks
  • bouncing round breasts in horror thriller film
  • babes on horseback
  • pterodectyl porn
  • guys with huge nipples
  • smurf sex

 

What are your best search terms? And why are some people still allowed online?!?!

Breaking Bad (Season 4)

May 30, 2013
TV
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BReaking BAd logo periodic table yellow meth smoke teeth effectBreaing Bad Season 4 Bryan Cranston, Anna Gunn, Aaron Paul, Dean Norris, Betsy Brandt, RJ Mitte, Bob Odenkirk, Giancarlo Esposito, Jonathan Banks, Ray Campbell, Lavell Crawford, Maurice CompteBreaking Bad (Season 4): The pressure’s turned up even higher as Walter White and his protégé Jessie Pinkman play a dangerous game of tactics with Mexico and ABQ’s top drug kingpins. This is the first season of BB that comes out of the blocks sprinting, starting dramatically, with the coldest murder to date. Almost every episode has a narrative purpose, story & character development and some solid drama – it’s not just about the characters anymore (finally). Needless to say the acting is some of the finest on TV; Walt and Jessie continue to evolve, but it’s Gus who shines brightest as an ever-calm, focused, calculating, courteous, professional, ruthless, business-minded, innocuous drug lord. Hank gets a lot more time, and a gripping sub-plot as he does some top investigation work; as does Mike, Gus’ hardened, dryly comic right-hand man. Visually, the show is like nothing else, with so many innovative & beautiful time-lapses, montages, and knockout camera shots. They’re often unusually high or low which sticks out; attached to an object (like a shovel or self-navigating vacuum cleaner); and sometimes stuck inside / behind / under something – a pipe or oven – and there’s even a dodgy ‘filming up through glass pretending to be underground’ shot. The show’s visual flair is one of its best and most unique features, and something that always keeps you on your toes. The tone also becomes more eclectic as everything closes in on Walt: synth music and manic laughter wouldn’t feel out of place in The Shining, and there’s some flat-out slapstick moments like Walt scrambling around his house trying to evade hitmen. Season 4 is when Breaking Bad finally makes the leap from good to fantastic and unmissable TV; every aspect is continually improving and evolving in to everything you could ask of a show; stylistically, plot-wise, and such 3D characters – which comes together to produce a final product that is entertaining, thrilling, dark, funny, ‘gritty’, and believable.

Score: 8.5/10

Breaking Bad Season 1 Review
Breaking Bad Season 2 Review
Breaking Bad Season 3 Review

Breaking Bad (Season 3)

April 8, 2013
TV
2 Comments

BReaking BAd logo periodic table yellow meth smoke teeth effectPhoto Credit: Ben Leuner/AMCBReaking BAd (Season 3): picks up soon after the explosive Season 2 finale, Walter and Jessie’s operation keeps growing, but is attracting yet more interest from the feds and rival gangs. By the time S3 had started we’d seen the ups and downs of the Walter-Jessie relationship several times, this season was – for me – the first time that another relationship became more interesting; Walter and Gus – which ranges from courteous & professional to explosively volatile – you also get the feeling that Walt has finally met his match, as Gus puts the squeeze on him, and the people he cares about. It’s definitely the best source of drama in this season. After Walt comes clean with Skyler their relationship also changes significantly, yet, not exactly in the direction you’d expect. Because so much emphasis is put on characters, family and relationships it takes over four episodes (of only thirteen) for any real plot to happen, and the only tension comes from the two silent cousin gang bangers. I find it fascinating in America that Breaking Bad depicts in-depth drug making techniques, drug use + abuse, violence, a man’s head being crushed by an ATM machine… but the word ‘fuck’ is bleeped out. Season three has some of the best moments (Car Park, Ladder confession, finale) in the series so far… yet it’s also got some of the slowest, most plodding and outright bizarre episodes (‘Fly’ episode feels out-of-place, and Walter – for the first time – appears ridiculously simple). The most defining feature of Breaking Bad is that it all still feels relatively normal and realistic – you believe in the characters, their families, their lives, their roles. You know people like these. That’s still the show’s strongest suit, but after 3 seasons it’s hard to see how much longer it can rely on character development over drama.

Score: 7/10

Breaking Bad Season 3 Sunset Cousins Gus Carpark Shootout HankSaul Goodman ITS ALL GOOD MAN Better Call Saul SE HABLO ESPANO

Breaking Bad (Season 2)

January 21, 2013
TV
2 Comments

Breaking Bad Series Bryan Cranston, Walter White, Anna Gunn, Aaron Paul, Jesse Pinkman, Dean Norris, Hank, Betsy Brandt, RJ Mitte, Danny Trejo

Breaking Bad (Season 2): picks up immediately where Season 1 finished, as the two rookie criminals slowly harden and come to terms with murky business that they are now a part of. With almost double the episodes, and the character groundwork laid in S1, there’s much more scope for the  story strands to finally go somewhere. You get the feeling that the show is finally changing up the gears in the drama department. The biggest change is that we now see a lot the effects that the duo’s meth is having, in particular the social slant is much rougher than S1, with a proper – no-holds barred – look at the users, their families, and the more ruthless cartels. Both leads remain fantastic while their limits and attitudes constantly evolve, and it’s weird that no matter how horrific or low the things they do are, you’re still behind them all the way. Saul; a fascinating, funny, crooked lawyer, is a solid addition, and good comic relief in parts. Stylistically, it’s still very much unique, retaining it’s punky visual edge and stylistic colouring – which can, and does, liven up the slower sections of storytelling. So the stakes are higher, the operation’s bigger, the rivals are tougher, police more involved, personal lives more strained – what’s not to like about Season 2!? One of the few shows on the telly that manages to strike a great balance between entertainment, drama and comedy.

Score: 8.5/10

Argo

November 19, 2012
Film Reviews
3 Comments

Argo: one of the CIA’s clandestine experts creates a ‘real’ fake movie as the perfect cover-up to bring home 6 diplomats stuck behind enemy lines. The most obvious thing about Argo is the phenomenally chosen cast, particularly from the TV sphere; people representing Braking Bad, 24, The Good Wife, etc – everyone is on great form, doing their parts for the movie. Arkin and Goodman in particular get many great lines, which helps maintain the delicate balance between the drama & peril, and a tongue-in-cheek – almost knockabout – look at Hollywood in the early 80s (with a loving streak of appreciation for Sci-Fi B-movies). On that note, the immaculate, uncompromising, period detail adds an unusually thick layer of authenticity to the story. The film’s book-ended by some ridiculously tense, well-directed, moments of a siege and the final throes of an escape. There are a few minor issues; it feels a little longer than it needed to be, some of the drama comes from contrived methods (like the old “run that through the system again” trick); also, although it’s not a ‘political’ film per se – but it reeks of AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!! Bottom line, Argo is a solid, balanced (if somewhat over-dramatised), political/historical thriller, held together by a superb cast. It also looks like Ben Affleck is fast becoming one of the best Actor’s Directors around.

Score: 7/10

Breaking Bad (Season 1)

November 13, 2012
TV
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Braking Bad: a struggling middle-aged high-school chemistry teacher with two jobs finds out he has terminal cancer, however his get rich quick scheme is one-of-a-kind; cooking the purest crystal meth Albuquerque has ever seen. First off, the two central characters, Walter White and Jessie Pinkman, are played absolutely superbly by Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul. Walter a regular guy in a unique situation that forces him to use and abuses science to kill guys, blow up cars, dispose of bodies, burn a lock, and cook ‘glass grade’ crystal meth – his transformation through the series is interesting to watch as he manages to strike the impossible balance between sympathy through his cancer, and villanous through the cooking. Jessie is equally good as the streetwise, try-hard, and they’re dysfunctional relationship is entertaining and funny – it must have been a joy for the writers. To single out another character, the step-brother Hank is played brilliantly, with some great, subtle, comedy timing. The series does lose its way in the middle, with nothing really happening for a few episodes – far more ‘cancer drama’ than ‘drug/crime thriller’. It also ends very abruptly, bang in the middle of a volatile story arc; which leaves you gagging for Season 2. The show has a unique and distinctive visual style; it looks very 90s, with lots of vibrant colours popping out of the screen, and a grainy/distorted ‘tape’ effect. Breaking Bad: Season 1 takes a massive gamble by putting almost everything into the characters and their back-story, hoping that audiences connect enough to interest them in a second outing – it pays off, although if the dark/morbid/macabre humour and bleak story won’t be to everyone’s taste.

Score: 6.5/10

John Carter

March 13, 2012
Film Reviews
8 Comments

John Carter of Mars: an American civil war-vet accidentally teleports to Mars in the middle of a war. At over an hour long the setup drags on, and the whole film never really shakes off the ‘teeing up a franchise’ vibe as things are cintinually explained – including all of the confusingly named species, planets, and cities – feels like Bill Cosby suggested a couple. The script isn’t the best, although there’s a few comedy gems poking out between clunky, formulaic dialogue and sections of explanation – that would have been better to get over with in one big voiceover. There’s some half-decent actors making a quick buck here Mark Strong, Ciaran Hinds, Willem Dafoe – who are all good, but nobody has much scope with flat, stock characters, the most entertaining and likable of which is a non-speaking dog-like alien. Some other undertones felt out-of-place, like the environmental agenda segments (including literal green warriors!) Some positives of note: graphics are awesome considering most of it is CGI/Green Screen, several gratuitous big action set-pieces, the score is top drawer and is reminiscent of Indy films, skimpy outfits on the Princess are awesome, a smart ending, and there are parts that feel like a solid old-fashioned action adventure. Unfortunately, despite the source being an ‘original’ space story (almost 100 years old) it’s been copied and ripped off so often over the decades, leaving a major air of déjà vu. Finally, I know we’re supposed to suspend disbelief, but given advances and general knowledge in astronomy / physics / space and science… a lot of the unknowns from 100 years ago now feel like massive, tardy unexplained plotholes – but that’s a minor gripe. John Carter is undoubtedly an impressive story; but it’s just not presented as best it could be (down to the framing device – it’s necessary, but could have been done better), and because of this, it never got me going once, which is disappointing for a film this big.

Score: 4/10

Drive

October 5, 2011
Film Reviews
5 Comments

Drive: Follows a professional stunt driver (moonlighting getaway driver) as he makes a unique connection with his neighbour, and her criminal husband. This is a fascinating mix of raw drama and the most brutal violence you’ll see all year. Gosling is phenomenal; with so few lines (but when he speaks, he means it) this could have gone pear-shaped but his entire body tells so much more about the methodical, isolated driver character than any script could. The rest of the cast do well to keep up, except Ron Perlman, who is, as always, categorically pants – at least he’s consistent! What’s most apparent is that the film’s meticulously put together; tension levels are unbearable in parts (opening 15 will blow you away), music’s memorable and used effectively, general ambience is great, and it’s stylishly filmed yet maintains a painfully indie vibe – you couldn’t really ask for more in a film. Hopefully, this will have a bigger longer life in DVD players than the two-weeks it appears to be getting in most cinemas.

Score: 8.5/10