Film Reviews

Air Doll (空気人形): a lonely singleton falls in love with the blow-up doll that has replaced his girlfriend; and one day she comes to life (this could only be Japanese). The first five minutes are an explosive combination of funny, creepy, peculiar and entertaining. The remaining two hours however is essentially a grating portrayal of childhood innocence, but here’s the kicker: it’s played through the eyes of a sex doll!omfg!! The moment you notice this is the moment this film bursts. It’s full of ludicrously whimsical and increasingly pretentious ‘life lessons’ about what makes humans human, played through a handful of seriously irrelevant stories and sub-minor characters (which I guess is to beef up the runtime). It also features one of my biggest pet hates: the doll gets a job in a DVD rental store so the director can crowbar in a bunch of his favourites / influences / kewl moviez. Worst. Trope. Ever. There are a couple of funny-ish cultural confusion moments, but they’re balanced out by several close-up shots of a removable rubber vagina being washed in a sink: can you say “shock value”? In fact, the only saving grace is the lead actress Bae Doona who does a great job and for the most part doesn’t feel the slightest bit human. Other than the first five minutes this is literally – and figuratively – as exciting as spending almost two hours watching something slowly deflating in front of you. Air Doll comes off the rails far too quickly, never picks back up.

Score: 2/10

The Lego Movie

March 10, 2014

Film Reviews

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The Lego Movie: Emmet Brickowski is a follow-the-manual kind of guy, but when he bumps in to a master builder his life changes forever. Anyone that’s ever played with Lego can relate to the film’s settings, and it’s good fun just trying to spot old and quirky pieces like the glow-in-the-dark ghost. The entire film looks brilliant, vibrant and ridiculously detailed – characters even have slight thumbprints. There’s a grade-A voice cast, with a lot of distinguishable and entertaining character actors in the mix. It’s also one of the few films that is universally funny; covering the slapstick / physical gags but including a layer of smart ‘adult’ satire and running gags for the duration – it’s consistently funny. There are a few stumbling blocks though: the bigger action scenes are too fast/shaky/blurry to keep up with; the split realities at the end knocks the wind out of the finale’s sail; some of the Lego franchises feel shoe-horned in; and for a film that preaches “use your imagination” to everyone, it’s literally a scene-for-scene re-telling of The Matrix… which is a touch disappointing and hypocritical. However, all things considered, The Lego Movie is a damn fine kids film, and even a damn fine film by normal standards. Highly entertaining and uplifting, if unapologetically unoriginal, family BLOCK-buster.

Score: 8/10

Inescapable

March 7, 2014

Film Reviews

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Inescapable: an ex-military intelligence officer loses his daughter while she’s travelling Europe, so he jets over and tries to hunt her down. That plot sounds familiar… This is essentially a more bureaucratic version of Taken/Taken 2/Frantic – with fewer thrills, and more focus on the ‘Eastern mystery’ angle. What’s quite good is that almost everyone the father meets is quite shifty, so you never really know what direction the plot is going to turn. Set in Syria (Damascus), it’s not particularly sympathetic to the country, nor are the American actor’s accents. 24 bad guy / all-round TV actor Siddig feels like he’s channeling the spirit of Bryan Mills a little too hard with the hushed, gristly hero yank voice. Inescapable is solid, but unremarkable; interesting, but not smart enough; not fantastic, but not awful… a totally middle-of-the-road movie.

Score: 4.5/10

Robot and Frank

March 3, 2014

Film Reviews

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Robot and Frank: an aging jewel thief with dementia strikes up an unlikely relationship with his disability “death machine” robot helper – and re-ignites his criminal career. Frank is a great character; grumpy, witty, cheeky… a hard bunch to juggle and still keep the audience sympathetic. It would have also been too easy for Langella to over-cook his performance, but his chops are superb – it’s best thing I’ve seen him in, and great to see older actors / aging issues at the heart of a movie. Other than the slightly downbeat ending it’s a film that manages to stay charming, enjoyable and amusing for the duration. It’s also rrrrather quirky, but not in a ridiculous way. Surprisingly well-judged for such a pure-bred indie movie.

Score: 8/10

Magic Mike

February 24, 2014

Film Reviews

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Magic Mike: loosely based on Channing Tatum’s early career (supposedly), it depicts the lives of several male strippers; some of whom want to party all the time, but others want more than the superficial lifestyle. Not really sure what the film was trying to convey… life is tough when you’re a stripper? Yeah, it must totally suck to be a handsome, young, guy that women will do anything to bone – SYMPATHY FAIL! McConaughey is on top crazy form – doing that deranged southern thang that only he can do this well. Is Magic Mike essentially Striptease / Showgirls for women? Pretty much, but the main differentiator is that Soderberg is behind the camera, so it’s done with an indie sensibility; and has been coloured/filtered to oblivion. When it comes to the crunch, it doesn’t feel like there’s much of a film in here at all, just an excuse for the ladies (and some guys) to see CT, MMc, Kevin Nash and a few other guys all oily and six-packy.

Score: 5.5/10

Note: there are a couple of ladies in here… somewhere.

Hardcore

February 20, 2014

Film Reviews

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Hardcore (2004): two young prostitutes meet in a brothel and help each other through their tough lives. Packed full of nudity, sex, prostitutes, guns, cars, drugs and lesbians – it feels like it’s going for an overly-outrageous/sensational DVD-shifting Baise Moi vibe, although this is far less nasty. The story’s quite unique in that it’s about young girls that aren’t forced into the sex trade, which makes the two central ladies feel more rounded. I think the film would have worked better if they switched the roles around as they made the prettier girl ‘frumpy/damaged’ and the more average lass ‘sexy manipulator’. However, the person that shines most is the director, who uses a lot of tricks and techniques to make the film more visually interesting, and some hard & fast editing to hold your attention. Despite this it’s all fairly average; the melodrama and ridiculouness gets heaped on heavier and heavier until the Open Your Eyes/Vanilla Sky style finale. Best Greek film I’ve seen? Probably, but I’ve not seen any others.

Score: 4/10

Click here for the 1979 George C Scott film Hardcore

Trance

February 13, 2014

Film Reviews

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Trance: when an art heist goes wrong the only auctioneer who knows where a valuable painting is can’t remember what he did with it. Purposely or not, this is a fragmented mess of a film: it’s hard to know exactly what is past, present, hypnosis, and visions – making it frustrating to follow at times. The twist-o-rama finale in particular is both super-smart and hyper-ridiculous. If it’s one thing though, Trance is visually sumptuous; some parts feel like a technical demo reel – full of impressive techniques, colouring, imagery, and most scenes have some form of reflection / symmetry. Yet, no matter how much Boyle tarts this up, it still manages to feel like a TV drama for the most part; lots of talking, small locations, tight cast etc. There’s also a really, really, strange ‘hairy bush’ Vs ‘shaved pubes’ sub-plot. Trance is part cutting-edge super-styalised directorial flare, and part humdrum, but the shattered timeline and ambiguity of what you’re watching make it very hard to tune in to. I imagine this plays better with a 2nd viewing.

Score: 5.5/10

Standard night out for us Scottish people…

Inside Llewyn Davis

February 4, 2014

Film Reviews

16 Comments

Inside Llewyin Davis: follows a struggling musician for one week in the 1960s New York folk music scene. This film drags. This film is boring. Nothing significant happens. The Main guy is a total ass-hat (stubborn, unlikeable). There’s around 35 minutes of full-song renditions – it’s like a huge folk-music shaped penis being rammed down your throat (and into your ears) around every 10 minutes. Some sections just didn’t know when to end – like the trip to Chicago; it feels like you are in the car with them, but for all the wrong reasons. There are a couple of jokes sympathetically flicked at you every 20 minutes or so to keep you interested, but they’re too few and far between. The only saving grace is that Oscar Isaac (literally comes out of nowhere) and puts every fiber of his lifeforce into the role, and you totally believe he’s there, slogging it out, blaming everyone else and living a groundhog week. From around 30 minutes in I felt like the cat in the movie’ trapped with a douchebag and looking to throw myself through a window at the first opportunity. My final line in the A Serious Man review was: “Very difficult to watch, unless you’re a diehard Coen fan or were Jewish in the 1960s.” – and I’m going to be a lazy toad and change that to “Very difficult to watch, unless you’re a diehard Coen fan or love 1960s folk music.” Talk about niche movies…

Score: 3/10

Hell Comes to Frogtown

January 31, 2014

Film Reviews

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Hell Comes to Frogtown: in the aftermath of a nuclear war that ravaged the planet and left most of the population infertile Sam Hell (WWF star “Rowdy” Roddy Piper) must save a group of fertile ladies from frog-based sex slavery. Yup. That really is the plot. Everything about this film is lightyears away from the realms of possibility, logic, science, facts etc. It’s 100% bad acting, bad sets, bad props, bad writing, bad lines – yet it has a bizarre “can’t get any worse” / car-crash quality that keeps you watching til the shoddy showdown in the desert. There’s boobs, there’s weirdness and there’s some green-gore & action set pieces – so it ticks all of the B-movie boxes. If you love your films cheaper than cheap and as silly Troma releases this will be up your street. Otherwise, just another one for the B-movie completists and raslin fanboys.

Score: 3/10

Iron Sky

January 29, 2014

Film Reviews

3 Comments

Iron Sky: in 1945 a group of defeated Nazis fled to the moon, in 2018 they’re coming back to finish what the Fuhrer started! For a B-movie, the graphics and effects are superb: the Blu Ray looks delicious, although washed out in the colour department. Sets, costumes, machinery, and industrial / steampunk settings all look fantastic. Written as an open-source script (aided by the internets) the entire movie is tongue-in-cheek and absolutely rammed with gags, nice details and one-liners – loads of laughs to be had. It’s a bit of everything: political satire, comedy, invasion, sci-fi, exploitation, ‘Nazispoitation’ – the only things it really shies away from are (surprisingly) nudity and gore. You could say that the film’s biggest weakness is that it’s all over the place; but flip it around, there’s something for everyone in here. Cast-wise, everyone’s at the top-range of B-movie; with guys like ‘Stamper’ from Tomorrow Never Dies and Udo Kier going in to full-on scenery chewing baddie mode – what’s not to like?! Given that it’s about moon Nazis, there’s some taboo moments, covering everything from skull measurements to a kamikaze Japanese spaceship – most are subtle enough to be overlooked. Although Iron Sky was panned by mainstream critics, if – like me – you’ve sat through thousands of over-promising, under-delivering B-movies, you’ll understand why this is a top-tier cult / midnight movie. A fantastic space Nazi romp, great fun, and put a smile on my face for the duration.

Score: 7/10
B-movie: 10/10

Iron Sky 02 Julia Dietze, Götz Otto, Christopher Kirby, Tilo Prückner, Udo Kier, Peta Sergeant, Stephanie Paul, Claus Wilcke, Sarah Palin

Nazi base on the moon, obviously.

The Wolf of Wall Street

January 27, 2014

Film Reviews

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Wolf of Wall Street: based on the memoirs of a drugged-up banker that did a load of bad things. Most obviously, three hours is just far, far, far too long for this story, which is essentially: motivational speech, loads of drugs, party harder than Andrew WK, repeat x20. The premise is classic Scorsese – rise-and-fall – but they way in which it’s told, what he chose to film, and how he chose to film it is anything but. There’s so much skin, sex, sensationilsm, and alpha-male testosterone in here that it felt like Michael Bay defiling a Scorsese sceenplay. Another huge problem is that the main character – Jordan Belfort – isn’t even remotely likeable or interesting; just a one-dimensional, remorseless asshole. On the plus side the script it great, the casting is magnificent and Scorsese really gets the most from them. It’s also very funny, funnier than most comedies, although it does have a lot of time to play with. Sadly, it feels a bit cheap coming from someone that’s brought us films like The Departed, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York, Taxi Driver… and it made me remember how good a film Boiler Room was. Scorsese – you’re above this. Studios – no director is above cutting empty & pointless scenes from! Not Scorsese, not Tarantino, nobody.

Score: 4.5/10

Captain Phillips

January 23, 2014

Film Reviews

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Captain Phillips (Mild Spoilers): the Maersk Alamaba cargo ship gets hijacked by four AK-47 wielding Somali pirates whilst navigating ‘round the dangerous ‘Horn of Africa’. I can never tell if Tom Hanks is really good, or really samey (in the same way that Tom Cruise is always Tom Cruise) – although the only dodgy part of this performance was his accent. Unfortunately the film peaks too early, in the nerve-shredding boat boarding set piece, which even the big finale doesn’t live up to. Like most films at the moment, it’s a little flabbier than it needed to be, out-staying its welcome, with a hyper-extended finale in the cramped lifeboat, in which Greengrass slowly loses his grip on the audience. Also, if you know anything about legendary sniper shots, you’ll know how the film ends before you step in to the cinema, which is a bummer! All-in-all, a solid film – but note quite Oscar worthy.

Score: 7/10

Lone Wolf and Cub – Baby Cart in Peril

January 20, 2014

Film Reviews, Japan-O-Rama

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Lone Wolf and Cub – Baby Cart in Peril (AKA – 子連れ狼　親の心子の心 Kozure Ōkami: Oya no kokoro ko no kokoro, Shogun Assassin 3: Slashing Blades of Carnage): Ito’s latest contract is to assassinate a killer of many samurai, but to his surprise it’s a lady with outstanding short-blade skills, and in a similar situation to himself… Oyuki presents a very strong female lead, something that the previous movies have had – but not taken this seriously. The very first frame is a tattooed boob, so it starts off great! But soon after there’s a bit of silly magic (face mask magic guy), some sizable flashback sections, and a lot more talking than previous installments. However, as good as the story and premise are, the Babycart films are never better than their action set-pieces: with Wakayama hacking, slashing, and literally flying around the frame – he can’t half move around for a big bloke. The now customary ‘final battle’ with dozens of enemies and a few ‘bosses’ is also great, and for the first time we see him properly injured/vulnerable too. More than anything, the film is a little confused about who the baddie is: the girl? Her nemesis? Itto’s old foe? The big hairy guy? By the fourth movie it does feel a bit like more-of-the-same but the film still pushes the boundaries, and does well to set up the one-armed swordsman myth.

Score: 6/10

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades Review

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart at the River Styx Review

Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance Review

Slop Bucket 2013

January 12, 2014

Film Reviews, Slop Bucket

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Here’s a bunch of films that I saw last year but ~~can’t be assed~~ didn’t get round to properly writing up. Opinions welcome in the comments. Enjoy.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Classic ‘middle movie’.
Set up is pretty much the same as before – twist, forced back in to games
Games are decent, but again, PG – toned down – action.
Seymour-Hoffman gobbling down scenery as a baddie
So long for what little new stuff is shown
Infuriatingly bogus non-ending – just as it gets interesting
Bad news that 3rd movie has been split in two… lame money-grabbing.
PEEEETTAAAHHHHH!!!!

Score: 4/10

TAGS: PETAH!, PEEETAH!, PEEEEEEETAAAAHHHH!, PPEEEEEEEEETTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!, PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!

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Parker

Jason Statham doing another slightly-better-than-average Jason Statham type action movie.
Felt like one big excuse to get J-Lo down to her pants. I’m sure there’s a quicker, cheaper way somewhere…
Statham fucking loves playing guys with a code. He’s totes de-throning Segal as ‘King of Codes’.
Action’s good – but there’s pretty much nothing new on the table.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: That-film-where-Jason-Statham-has-a-moral-code-and-plays-a-balding-athletic-guy-in-a-suit-without-a-tie-that-gets-into-bother-with-loads-oft-ough-guys. Bad accents.

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Tue Blood (Season 1):

Over-sexed, trashy vampire-fantasy soft-porn for soccer moms.
Izzie Caplin… such love. so wow.
Sex, nudity, promiscuity, forbidden pleasures, lust, banging
Feels like the female equivalent of Spartacus: blood and ~~tits~~… sand.
Even a junkie / addict is glamoured up: it’s all about drinking sexy red blood, not taking filthy drugs.
Too much chat about inner-demons that gets a bit boring.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Dick Gout, Fangtasia, Cleavage, Tits, Masturbation, Tru Blood, O-Negative, Spontaneous Combustion, Aids Burger, Glamour, Fangbanger, Blood Fountain, Blood Fetish, Gore, Virtual Golf, Vampire Tribunal, Dean the Dog, Shapeshifter, Puke,

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How I spent my summer vacation

Bit of a strange film – starts off quirky crime but soon descends in to a sloppy, stereotype-ridden borderline tasteless / racist (That’s our Mel!) Latino Jail
Post-Prison-break S3 lawless prison scenario – fairly ridiculous.
Good action though

Score: 4/10

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Community (Season 2)

KFC Space Rescue, zombies are among a few truly standout episodes – writing isn’t nearly as good as Season 1.
Feels clunkier and more sporadic / parody based – silly and ridiculous stories replacing observational college humour.
Stop-motion Christmas is absolutely terrible, but the D&D episode is absolutely fantastic.
Pierce & Chang become runaway cast members

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Toto Africa, Chloroform, level 5 laser lotus, Oil Wrestling, Chick Fight, KFC, Butt Flag, E pluribus anus, ABBA, Zombies, Trampoline, Pen Episode, Annie’s Bobs, Professor Professorson, diorama, cave of frozen memories, my dinner with andre, fat neil, pulp fiction party, Paintball, Chang puns.

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Bourne Legacy

Very slow start,
Good action throughout although Greengrass imitation cam style was bamboozling to watch
Renner’s good, but doesn’t have much character or backstory to play with, and he’s only ever really looking to get his pills.
Basically a glorified drugs / heist movie

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Pharmaceuticals, Drone Strike, Drugs, Etching, Wood Release,

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World War Z:

There are things to loathe: Pepsi product placement, the fact that a male model is the main star, and yes – Piers Morgan even shows up (making the zombie apocalypse a bit more appealing).
Bottom line, this is a Zombie movie that’s targeted at the mainstream; leaving a lot of the essential zombie elements on the cutting room floor.
Follows a ‘diet zombie film’ formula
Not quite World War Zzzzzz

Score: 6/10

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War Horse

Everyone from Devon looks/talks/acts like simpletons: a very American portrayal of rural England…
Acting in general is Sunday afternoon TV stuff, with a few good actors plopped in for some reason.
The humans are out-acted by horses in most scenes… Hiddleston is about the only decent performance.
First hour drags, second hour distracts, last 20 mins pulls at your heart.
Music’s as important as the acting to lead you through the film,
Random comedy goose
Lingers too long in parts,
Hammy, over-sentimental cheese.

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Was it amazing? Neeeiiiggghhhh

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Anything For Her

Having seen the re-make first, there’s things I prefer about each film. The cast in the original come up trumps but I would argue that there’s far more tension in the final act (escape) in the re-make, as they rush through a series of pre-identified zones.
being set in France – in the EU – where free travel is permitted, kills all of the post-escape tension…

Score: 4/10

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TransSiberian:

Bleak colour scheme
Woody is so unlikeable in this – American abroad.
Story starts off great but becomes too convenient and even after a decent twist the final act is absolutely ridiculous.
Strong cast: Acting’s solid – Kingsley is a half-believable Rusky, the Chick’s good too.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Babushka Dolls, Heroin, Head…ouch, Headshot, Bad Policing, Lying, Photography, Everyone Smokes…, odka, Buttocks

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Invictus

Freeman sounds like he’s doing a Kim Jong Il Team America impression, far too Asian.
Undecided: semi sports film, semi political film, semi biopic… never really knows what it is.
Sentimental cheese-fest: slow pans, slow zooms, slow fades, slow motion, light piano accompaniment.
Don’t know if it was unintentional but the story bounces along as unevenly as a football would, here, there, and everywhere.
No proper complication, or ‘against the odds’ as you expect from the sporty element.
Rose-tinted

Score: 4/10

TAGS: Johna Lumu, Olé, Sunglasses, Smile, Springbucks, Go Chester, Rugby World Cup.

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Moon

Rockwell’s amazing,
Cracking concept, very well executed.
Kevin Spacey is a camp robot (like 2001)
First 30 minutes are a bit proper WTF but make far more sense the second time round.
Because of character and visual similarities this is always going to be compared to 2001, and while it owes much to the original, I feel that it far surpasses it.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Tambourine, Blood!!!, Buttocks, Speedball, Plants, Ping Pong, Carvings, Camp robots, Space, Moon,

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The Kingdom:

First 75% is a regular enough Army / Political procedural investigation, which makes the final 25% pure raw action movie feel quite welcome.
Graphic and no-holds barred look at terrorism

Score: 7.5/10

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Todd Margaret (Season 2):

Totally offensive, but very funny
Not much more to say!

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Substantial Todd Margaret, Le Molecule, Ghost, Young and not Legal, Eyebrows, Pank, Poo and a Wank, Rugby, Leeds, Acute penis envy, reverse Othello, self help CD, fart ring tone, Princess Diana grave, Pedophile wing, Steve Davis,

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The Road

Grim
Depressing
Nihilistic
Viggo’s on good form, and out of nowhere… BOOM – more of Viggo’s ass on screen, twice. I’ve seen this enough times in my life now, thanks
Bleak
Somber
Grave
Melancholy
Religious overtones,
very, very vague story, plot and backstory – pretty much just ‘survival’
Didn’t really see the point of the film…
Product placement extravaganza (not much else that could fund it though) Coca Cola, Heinz, Del Monte… ironically makes me sick
The savage, omnipresent bleakness dominates the film, to the point where I didn’t care for the characters, as there was almost no focus on them
Picture was decent, but very gray and washed out. Sound mix was booming.

Score: 3/10

TAGS: Buttocks, dirty water, Annoying Son, OMAR!!!, Arrows, Legshot!, Coughing, Coca Cola, Del Monte, Cannibalism, Self Surgery, Headshot!, Papa, Dirty, Need a wash.

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Valley of Elah:

Definitely has more of a TV feel with it’s very slow/steady pace that never shifts up – and more generally an overall lack of any remote cinematic feeling.
Very much an actors film, with a lot of serious acting to be had – and everyone doing well to keep up with Tommy and Charlie
TLJ is on fire… I love this guy!
Another one of the modern anti ‘war film’, focused around the army, and the effect of was on troops back home.

Score: 6.5/10

TAGS: Tits, buttocks, pantyhose, Jim beam, photos, pickup truck, flags, chicken, body parts, blue car, Iraq.

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The Prestige

Bad film to be cast a bird.
Michael Cain – can’t stand him in most movies; he’s the most one-dimensional character actor in history
Very poor timeline at the beginning that only becomes apparent towards the end (for first time viewers)
Great atmospheric score, long deep notes that resonate through entire scenes.
Slow, slow burner
Not unlike any of the tricks in the movie, the film follows the same formula. Pledge; two magicians trying to out do each other. Turn; you see their various ways of doing so. Prestige; the big reveal.
For all the film’s weaknesses the reveal at the end is outstanding.
BD presentation is great – the sound of Tesla’s machines bouncing ’round the speakers never gets old.

Score: 5.5/10

TAGS: Bird Fail, Lightbulb Field, Crazy Science, beards, electricity, fingers… ouch!

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Lawless

Tried hard enough, but just wasn’t engaging or hooking in
Like cramming a full series of Boardwalk Empire into 1 movie.
Biggest flaw was having not enough Gary Oldman and least famous brother, and too much Shya Le Bowf / Tom Hardy (who is good, but has a ridiculous voice… again)

Score: 5.5/10

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The Shield (Season 1)

Strike team.
Very interesting premise – following a corrupt cop and his equally questionable team.
Main character is a total choad – more of a villain that a hero, but is humanised through some forced heroics and personal stories. By the end, Vic walks such a fine line between supercop and super-criminal that you have to make your own mind up.
Lots of macho “stay out of my way” / “I get results” generic 80s cop-chat.
Terrible music – bad nu-metal tracks with laughably literal lyrics.
Doesn’t beat around the bush with crime scenes: sex club, motherhood, police ambushes,
Stories started in first few episodes picked up at the end of season.
Cops Vs Cops. Cops Vs bad guys. Cops vs the public
Stylish, kinetic, aggressive.

Score: 7.5/10

TAGS: Hit and run, shit drawer, spunk, gay cop, delicious feet, strippers, hookers, hoe shoe, blanket party, the nation, cockfights, cop killers.

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The Quiet Family:

Gallows / graveyard humour
Showed some promise, but felt quite stagey and under-developed
Disappointing giving director

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Misty Lodge, Shovel, Humping, Phone Sex, Upskirt, Cukoo Clock, The Stray Cats,

Happy Endings (aka Winter Passing)

January 9, 2014

Film Reviews

5 Comments

Happy Endings (aka Winter Passing): when a struggling actress is offered some quick cash for her famous mother and father’s early love letters, she goes back home to weigh up her choices. First-off, this is Ms Deschanel being quirky and indie to the max: the movie opens with her singing at the 2 minute mark, and playing the piano within 15 mins so be prepared for full-on mopey, morose and tedious Zooey. It’s not just her though, every character is defined by their quirks and eccentricities, which makes them all memorable, but annoyingly the film ends up containing more randomness than a green flamingo in a roller-skate carrying a backpack full of iguana-flavoured blancmange. Don’t be fooled though, there’s some good moments of acting in here, particularly Ed Harris and Will Ferrel, who both go beyond their stereotyping and comfort zones. If you love a bit of shoe-gazing solemn quirkiness this will be right up your trendy street.

Score: 5/10

Winter Passing Happy Endings Zooey Deschanel, Ed Harris, Will Ferrel, Amelia Warner, Mary Jo Deschanel, Amy Madigan, Deirdre O'Connell

Cheer up goth!

American Mary

January 6, 2014

Film Reviews

2 Comments

American Mary: a broke-but-talented medical student accidentally stumbles across the world of extreme body modification, which helps pay the bills, and then some. This opens up with a sexy woman (yes)… in sexy lingerie (YES)… stitching up a raw chicken (oh…). The directors picked their target market (body mod goths) and just threw as much of the weirdness that comes with the territory into the movie: there’s a ton of bizarre faces and characters, leathers, latex, and awful techno metal – like a budget Matrix Soundtrack. It ends up feeling a bit like weirdness for wierdness’ sake – a bunch of ‘that would be cool/gross’ scenes stapled together: part rape revenge, part Saw, part Hostel, part Audition… The story also runs out of ground fairly quickly, after Mary’s career change it fumbles along ’til the fairly lame ending. Mary herself is a strange character: not really good or bad, just a bit ridiculous: would have been better and creepier to play it straight. Generally, it’s bad B-movie acting all round, which matches the sloppy dubbing and editing. If there’s one thing done well here, it’s the SFX, which are gut-wrenchingly slick – and provide the silver (or crimson) lining. With films like this and Dead Hooker in a Trunk the Soska Sisters seem to be doing a low-rent Tom Six thing.

Score: 3/10

Die Hard

December 13, 2013

Film Reviews

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“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

Die Hard: European terrorists hold up a skyscraper and are issuing a lot of bogus demands; unbeknownst to them, NYPD’s biggest badass is crawling around in the air-ducts. John McClane is undoubtedly one of cinema’s greatest action heroes – the cheeky chap with so many timeless quips that have been ingrained into the general consciousness. For some reason, against all of the cut/paste Communist/Russian terrorists in 1980s movies the fact that the Die Hard baddies are German feels inspired. The film contains everything that was great about that era’s action films – right down to the male toplessness, black/white cooperation, violence, and a boss-fight within a perilous industrial setting. Most interestingly, although you couldn’t imagine anyone else playing the lead roles, this was both Willis’ and Rickman’s first big movies – and McClane had previously been offered to Arnie, Sly, Ford, Gere, Reynolds, Eastwood – so the casting director is an absolute hero. Decades later, this is still one of the best examples of a timeless action movie; and the re-watchability factor alone makes this an instant classic. Not just the best Christmas movie ever, but one of the best movies ever. If you don’t like this, I don’t like you!

Score: 10/10

Escape Plan

December 11, 2013

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Escape Plan: a security expert that escapes from prisons for a living is betrayed and put in an ‘INESCAPABLE’ prison – which he has to team up with Arnie to escape from. Inescapable FAIL. Even as a huge fan of ‘supercheese’, I’ve had enough of these Stallone vanity projects in which he portrays himself as a super-human, super-intelligent (has he heard himself speak?) super-cool guy that women just want to bang 24/7. You’re past you’re prime, and an average actor at best – so please stop these dude! For a no-brainer action flick about a prison-break starring two action legends it’s at least 30 minutes too long, (far too much backstory) and feels around 3 hours long. The only time it comes to life is when Arnie is on the screen – peaking in “Arnie firing a massive gun at dozens of guards and exploding shit”, and “Arnie losing his shit, in German” scenes. The director’s vision of a futuristic jail was cool (touch of Face/Off); the guards sufficiently evil-looking (touch of 300); and the main villain was suitably theatrical (touch of ridiculousness). It feels like Stallone insisted on having far too many ego-massaging, but wholly unnecessary, boring scenes into what should have been a 90-minute brain-free, action-laden, danger-zone, and Arnie’s left save this cliffhanger from falling into the pits of terribility.

Score: 4/10

Elysium

December 2, 2013

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Elysium: in the near-future humans are divided into the haves and have-nots; with poverty and crime rife on a polluted earth and the 1% (!!) enjoying an idyllic and disease-free lifestyle in a giant space structure. I think this is about health care in America, although can’t be sure… To cut to the chase, I don’t believe that this is in the same league as District 9, but partly because a lot of the film’s tone and aesthetics appear to lean heavily on the ‘look and feel’ of Bloomkamp’s previous film. The story is also quite similar although less of a subtle political under-current, and more of an in-yer-face affair. While it’s bigger, brighter, shinier, and louder than his previous film, Dirctric 9 takes a lot of the wind out of Elysium’s sails, as you feel like you’ve seen a lot of this before – and in the end, it just gives you with a craving for prawns.

Score: 6/10

The Counselor

November 29, 2013

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The Counselor: when a lawyer invests in a drug smuggling operation that goes south, the world around him collapses. This movie essentially comprises of a heap of dragged-out scenes where fine actors deliver lines that probably looked great in a script, but end up coming over as quasi-biblical, pears of faux wisdom “that would sound totally rad in the trailer, man.” Some of the conversations were so vague and non-directional that they felt intentionally cryptic for no reason. The other distracting aspect was the ridiculously over-luxurious, decadent and excessive lifestyle of every protagonist; lavish clothes, jewels, cars, props, and even animals – it feels more like you’re flipping through a high-end fashion magazine. The casting here is crazy-good, and the quality of actors is world-class, there’s even some great flashes of acting – but it’s all crushed under the weight of great expectations. The most fun you can get out of this is playing the “OMG it’s that guy” cameo-spotting game, with the likes of Toby Kebbell, Dean “Hank” Norris, Donna Air, Rosie Perez, Bruno Ganz. And seriously, does Cormac McCarty just sit at home thinking of new ways to kill people all day? In a nutshell, The Counselor is too arthouse-y for it’s own good – and the distracting stars, lifestyles, plot, and “that would be cool in a film” conversations make it all feel like a surreal advert – aimed more at getting punters in the screen, than delivering a decent film. You can’t help but feel disappointed that a cast/director/writer this good have produced something so ordinary and forgettable – when compared to a lesser cast and (arguably lesser) director doing balls-to-the-wall a film like Savages. The Counselor is a ridiculously convoluted (although NOT as hard to follow as people have made out) that lets us know immoral actions may have grave consequences – ahhh duh duh duh duh!

Score: 4/10

Cold Fish

November 27, 2013

Film Reviews, Japan-O-Rama

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Cold Fish (冷たい熱帯魚, Tsumetai Nettaigyo) (mild spoilers): a mild-mannered fish-shop owner crosses paths with a larger competitor who at first seems like an ideal business partner – but that veneer doesn’t last long. It feels like the director started out with two completely separate film ideas; the first 1-hour 45 contains a pretty credible, low-key, tense, but slow-burning con-man drama – with an off-kilter / black comedy undercurrent. The final act transforms the film into a full-blown slasher – which dwells on depraved sex, violence, gore and some body disposal scenes for a little longer than would be deemed comfortable (or necessary), peaking in a hyper-messy crimson-soaked blood ‘n’ guts finalé – shock cinema at it’s best; or perhaps worst! This wouldn’t usually be a big deal, but at 2.5 hours you could have cut two (better, and) entirely different 90-minute movies out of it – an Evil Dead style gore-romp, or Coen–esque black comedy. There are glimpses of superb direction and storytelling, straight off the bat, but they end up getting lost in the bigger-picture. Acting is also solid (the runaway star being leading man Mitsuru Fukikoshi’s full-bodied transformation) – although, along with everything else, it all gets watered down and lost within the superfluous runtime. This would, by normal standards, be anything but an ordinary film – particularly because it’s littered with gropey and sensational sex scenes – but when you’re following up from an epic like Love Exposure, this feels lukewarm in comparison.

Score: 5/10

Savages

November 25, 2013

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Savages (mild spoilers): when two pro pot dealers have their shared girlfriend kidnapped by a cartel for leverage, they don’t take it lying down. This one is absolutely packed to the brim with torture, violence, action sex, drugs and rock & roll – it’s all turned up way past 11. All the characters are all pretty broad stereotypes, however it’s the cast and story that raise this above your standard gang-banger flick. Hell, it’s worth watching this just to see the scene with Del Toro and Travolta – each doing their thing and loving every second of it. For a 2hr30 film, it’s so packed with action and plot that it never drags: as it plays out like a dramatic chess match. Savages barely puts a foot wrong until it doubles back on what would have been a powerful, Shakespearian out-of-the-blue ending – instead copping out at the last second for a crowd-pleaser. The only real downer for me was a sloppy, grating, “ike-OMG-totally-I-was-like-and-she-was-all” So-Cal voiceover that does nothing more than point out the obvious – and annoy the shit out of viewers. After a couple of duffers, this one definitely puts Oliver Stone back on the cinemap, and with ample style to spare.

Score: 7/10

Ghost Shark

November 20, 2013

Film Reviews

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Ghost Shark: when a wounded shark floats into a satanic cave and dies its ghost comes back with a vengeance, leaving any amount of water unsafe: swimming pools, baths, puddles, cups, even rain! What do you want from a SyFy direct-to-video film called “Ghost Shark”? Bikinis and gore per chance? For a 15-rated shark romp there’s an abundance of both: the film uses every scene as an excuse to show some bikini-rocking babes, and there’s a bunch of great gore moments – people being bit in half, split in half, pulled down toilets ass-first and chomped into tiny buckets of soapy water – it’s all well beyond what you’re used to from these films. Despite the knowing tongue-in-cheek feel of the film it’s one of the better shot and acted SyFy affairs (for what that’s worth!) I’m not even going to start on the plot, because, well it’s about a shark that is a ghost – and the title alone should tell you everything you need to know about the level of the film. While Ghost Shark won’t be winning any Academy awards next year, it tears chunks out of the recent slew of shark–based monster movies.

Score: 4.5/10

Filth

November 18, 2013

Film Reviews

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Filth: a detective gunning for promotion is also heading for a breakdown, but how long can he keep his many plates spinning? This is the latest movie adaptation of an Irvine Welsh book, and feels like it’s going for a “Trainspotting for the teenies” angle. It would be silly to complain about the content of a film called Filth, but in case you need a heads-up: it’s crammed with deviant sex & sexuality, drug use, violence, and oodles of fantastically creative swearing, amongst other things. The over-emphasis of the of the craziness going on in Bruce’s mind – hallucinations, binges, sex, porn – don’t really detract from the story, because Bruce’s nose-candy nose-dive IS the story. Despite all the headline-grabbing controversial content crammed into this, the main talking point is undoubtedly James McAvoy’s performance; in an era where leading men no longer required to be likeable or even remotely empathetic, he works wonders with the few tiny slivers of humanity he gets. My biggest concern of the picture however is it’s extremely unflattering – and wholly unrealistic – take on Scotland and it’s culture: if it’s not films about the Loch Ness Monster, it’s about the druggies of Trainspotting, Red Road, NEDS, and now Filth – the Scottish tourist board must really hate our film industry.

Score: 6.5/10

The Starving Games

November 12, 2013

Film Reviews

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The Starving Games: A Hunger Games spoof from the team that brought you Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie and Scary Movie. Not wanting to limit the laughs, the film takes potshots at pretty much everything and everyone in popular-culture: from big movies, celebrities and memes, through to the obligatory staple poop jokes and voyeuristic camerawork. There’s a few good movie-related quips – “His only Facebook friend is Mel Gibson“ etc – but for the most part, the movie just takes a scene from The Hunger Games, makes it silly, throws in a bunch of pop-references and rolls with it. Some of the humour’s good, although every joke gets stretched out to the point that it’s no longer funny. At 70 minutes it feels pretty light – and even then, a lot of the runtime is made up of a dozen reaction shots for every joke. The production’s high for this kind of film, and the impersonations in particular are surprisingly good in the looks and accent departments. If your expectations are realistic, and you like the movies mentioned in that first sentence, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t dig The Starving Games – and even if you don’t like these kind of movies, there’s got to be something in here that will make you laugh as it’s not half as smelly as you’d assume.

Score: 3/10

Sniper: Reloaded

October 8, 2013

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Sniper: Reloaded – when his team are ambushed by a single shooter, a marine goes behind enemy lines to draw the sniper out and avenge his fallen comrades. For a b-movie, the action in this is surprisingly strong and intense; unfortunately the filler between these big set-pieces is fairly standard. Unbeknownst to me, this is the 4^th film in the series, but you don’t have to have seen the rest to understand this; although they may explain the unprecedented overuse of ‘shoulder touching to convey trust’ symbolism. Most importantly, for a film about snipers, pretty much all of the famous / trick shots are in there: kill through a wall, one shot – two kills, thread the needle through another sniper scope. It’s also aided by some stunning wildlife & nature shots and a gratuitously bad all-holds-barred sex scene. For a no name cast (other than Billy Zane, who kinda feels at home here) and no budget, Sniper: Reloaded shouldn’t be nearly as good as it is, but the action, cinematography and setting make up for shortcomings in the script and story departments.

Score: 6/10

Benda Bilili!

October 3, 2013

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Benda Bilili!: documentary spanning five years from the creation, to the eventual success and acclaim, of a street band from the Congo, 5 of whom happen to be paraplegics. Given the tough upbringing and background of the musicians, it’s truly inspirational to see them always looking at the plus side, as well as their determination to succeed. Your shanty house burnt down? Things like this happen in life, get over it! The music is excellent, given that it’s self-taught musicians, playing beaten up guitars and homemade instruments (like a string and stick attached to a can). Unfortunately, the doc gets pretty French in parts, with some long spiels of philosophizing on the streets, rather than just telling the amazing story. The balance of the movie is also a little off, with most of the runtime dedicated to the struggle and hardship, and not nearly enough celebrating the success and rewarding good times. Still, Benda Bilili is an uplifting tale of adversity against all odds.

Score: 5.5/10

After Porn Ends

September 30, 2013

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After Porn Ends: doc that catches up with some porn superstars of yesteryear and sees what they’re doing having left the industry. This doesn’t feel much like a conventional documentary – there’s no narration, or much of a narrative for that matter, just feels like you’re listening in on people storytelling; which has some merits. The biggest surprise is how smart and pragmatic some pornstars are (one actress is in mensa!), but this feels short-lived as it’s quickly balanced out by the ridiculously vapid bimbo stereotypes that also show up. You have to be a unique person to enter this kind of work, and in a way that’s what keeps this watchable – these people have led quite fascinating, peculiar lives during their porn careers, then as an ex-porn star societal pariah. The most interesting – and telling – part of the film however is seeing what happened after the interviews in the pre-credit titles. In the same way that ‘Side by Side’ was about the transition in cinema, this feels a bit like old-timers reminiscing about the glory days / ‘golden age’ of porn. All in all, After Porn Ends is surprisingly watchable, yet it’s a little unforgivable that someone could stitch together a film this flat and ordinary when it features so many people with remarkable stories (like a world-record breakin’ gangbang featuring 500 men!), working in the world’s most taboo and sensational industry.

Score: 4/10

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

September 27, 2013

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Tucker & Dale vs Evil: two standard horror-movie lookin’ rednecks are trying to enjoy some time at their new vacation home when a bunch of hot college kids come along and start killing themselves all over their land! This film turns every dumb & clichéd horror trope on its head and makes them laugh out loud funny – as you see events from the kid’s eyes looking like a dull horror movie, and from the misunderstood Tucker / Dale’s perspective, where it looks like a teenage suicide pact. The script’s funny, cast nail the comedy and there’s plenty of over-the top blood-n-guts to keep horror fans amused. Tucker & Dale is an awesome horror picture, for fans of the genre, that would make an excellent double-bill with Cabin in the Woods. Easily one of the best horror comedies around. Never judge a redneck by his blood-stained overalls! Smart, funny and highly original comedy horror.

Score: 8/10

Top Gun

September 6, 2013

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Top Gun: a hot-headed fighter-pilot is sent to train with the top 1% at the Air Force’s finest training school – Top Gun. This is one of those films I watched in complete disbelief, why is it that this has become such a popular, ‘must see’ movie? The best thing about it is the music, but even that’s criminally overused: Danger Zone pops up 3 times, and Berlin’s Take My Breath Away appears 4 times!! The aerial combat scenes (central to the plot) aren’t quite as fluent and obvious as you’d expect – with limited shots and a lot of rough cuts: it relied more on the pilot’s communications to keep you informed. Not much to say about the script, other than it’s terrible, beyond hammy, and packed with so much innuendo that they had to have deliberately been going for a campy vibe: one character actually shouts “I want some butts”. Kilmer and Cruise don’t have to do much other than oil up, stand about in towels covered in sweat beads, square up chest to chest and erotically whisper lines like…

“You’re dangerous”
“Yea, I know”
“You’re reckless”
“What about it”

It’s a film jammed with so much machismo that it unknowingly ends up mincing it’s way over to the ‘camp classic’ section.

Score: 4/10

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Straight-to-the-point movie reviews: from Action to Zombies

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Film Reviews

Air Doll

The Lego Movie

Inescapable

Robot and Frank

Magic Mike

Hardcore

Trance

Inside Llewyn Davis

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Iron Sky

The Wolf of Wall Street

Captain Phillips

Lone Wolf and Cub – Baby Cart in Peril

Slop Bucket 2013

Happy Endings (aka Winter Passing)

American Mary

Die Hard

Escape Plan

Elysium

The Counselor

Cold Fish

Savages

Ghost Shark

Filth

The Starving Games

Sniper: Reloaded

Benda Bilili!

After Porn Ends

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Top Gun