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Slop Bucket

Here’s a bunch of films that I saw last year but can’t be assed didn’t get round to properly writing up. Opinions welcome in the comments. Enjoy.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

  • Classic ‘middle movie’.
  • Set up is pretty much the same as before – twist, forced back in to games
  • Games are decent, but again, PG – toned down – action.
  • Seymour-Hoffman gobbling down scenery as a baddie
  • So long for what little new stuff is shown
  • Infuriatingly bogus non-ending – just as it gets interesting
  • Bad news that 3rd movie has been split in two… lame money-grabbing.
  • PEEEETTAAAHHHHH!!!!

Score: 4/10

TAGS: PETAH!, PEEETAH!, PEEEEEEETAAAAHHHH!, PPEEEEEEEEETTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!, PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!

Parker

  • Jason Statham doing another slightly-better-than-average Jason Statham type action movie.
  • Felt like one big excuse to get J-Lo down to her pants. I’m sure there’s a quicker, cheaper way somewhere…
  • Statham fucking loves playing guys with a code. He’s totes de-throning Segal as ‘King of Codes’.
  • Action’s good – but there’s pretty much nothing new on the table.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: That-film-where-Jason-Statham-has-a-moral-code-and-plays-a-balding-athletic-guy-in-a-suit-without-a-tie-that-gets-into-bother-with-loads-oft-ough-guys. Bad accents.

Tue Blood (Season 1):

  • Over-sexed, trashy vampire-fantasy soft-porn for soccer moms.
  • Izzie Caplin… such love. so wow.
  • Sex, nudity, promiscuity, forbidden pleasures, lust, banging
  • Feels like the female equivalent of Spartacus: blood and tits… sand.
  • Even a junkie / addict is glamoured up: it’s all about drinking sexy red blood, not taking filthy drugs.
  • Too much chat about inner-demons that gets a bit boring.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Dick Gout, Fangtasia, Cleavage, Tits, Masturbation, Tru Blood, O-Negative, Spontaneous Combustion, Aids Burger, Glamour, Fangbanger, Blood Fountain, Blood Fetish, Gore, Virtual Golf, Vampire Tribunal, Dean the Dog, Shapeshifter, Puke,

How I spent my summer vacation 

  • Bit of a strange film – starts off quirky crime but soon descends in to a sloppy, stereotype-ridden borderline tasteless / racist (That’s our Mel!) Latino Jail
  • Post-Prison-break S3 lawless prison scenario – fairly ridiculous.
  • Good action though

Score: 4/10

Community (Season 2)

  • KFC Space Rescue, zombies are among a few truly standout episodes – writing isn’t nearly as good as Season 1.
  • Feels clunkier and more sporadic / parody based – silly and ridiculous stories replacing observational college humour.
  • Stop-motion Christmas is absolutely terrible, but the D&D episode is absolutely fantastic.
  • Pierce & Chang become runaway cast members

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Toto Africa, Chloroform, level 5 laser lotus, Oil Wrestling, Chick Fight, KFC, Butt Flag, E pluribus anus, ABBA, Zombies, Trampoline, Pen Episode, Annie’s Bobs, Professor Professorson, diorama, cave of frozen memories, my dinner with andre, fat neil, pulp fiction party, Paintball, Chang puns.

Bourne Legacy

  • Very slow start,
  • Good action throughout although Greengrass imitation cam style was bamboozling to watch
  • Renner’s good, but doesn’t have much character or backstory to play with, and he’s only ever really looking to get his pills.
  • Basically a glorified drugs / heist movie

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Pharmaceuticals, Drone Strike, Drugs, Etching, Wood Release, 

World War Z:

  • There are things to loathe: Pepsi product placement, the fact that a male model is the main star, and yes – Piers Morgan even shows up (making the zombie apocalypse a bit more appealing).
  • Bottom line, this is a Zombie movie that’s targeted at the mainstream; leaving a lot of the essential zombie elements on the cutting room floor.
  • Follows a ‘diet zombie film’ formula
  • Not quite World War Zzzzzz

Score: 6/10

War Horse

  • Everyone from Devon looks/talks/acts like simpletons: a very American portrayal of rural England…
  • Acting in general is Sunday afternoon TV stuff, with a few good actors plopped in for some reason.
  • The humans are out-acted by horses in most scenes… Hiddleston is about the only decent performance.
  • First hour drags, second hour distracts, last 20 mins pulls at your heart.
  • Music’s as important as the acting to lead you through the film,
  • Random comedy goose
  • Lingers too long in parts,
  • Hammy, over-sentimental cheese.

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Was it amazing? Neeeiiiggghhhh

Anything For Her

  • Having seen the re-make first, there’s things I prefer about each film. The cast in the original come up trumps but I would argue that there’s far more tension in the final act (escape) in the re-make, as they rush through a series of pre-identified zones.
  • being set in France – in the EU – where free travel is permitted, kills all of the post-escape tension…

Score: 4/10

TransSiberian:

  • Bleak colour scheme
  • Woody is so unlikeable in this – American abroad.
  • Story starts off great but becomes too convenient and even after a decent twist the final act is absolutely ridiculous.
  • Strong cast: Acting’s solid – Kingsley is a half-believable Rusky, the Chick’s good too.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Babushka Dolls, Heroin, Head…ouch, Headshot, Bad Policing, Lying, Photography, Everyone Smokes…, odka, Buttocks

Invictus

  • Freeman sounds like he’s doing a Kim Jong Il Team America impression, far too Asian.
  • Undecided: semi sports film, semi political film, semi biopic… never really knows what it is.
  • Sentimental cheese-fest: slow pans, slow zooms, slow fades, slow motion, light piano accompaniment.
  • Don’t know if it was unintentional but the story bounces along as unevenly as a football would, here, there, and everywhere.
  • No proper complication, or ‘against the odds’ as you expect from the sporty element.
  • Rose-tinted

Score: 4/10

TAGS: Johna Lumu, Olé, Sunglasses, Smile, Springbucks, Go Chester, Rugby World Cup.

Moon

  • Rockwell’s amazing,
  • Cracking concept, very well executed.
  • Kevin Spacey is a camp robot (like 2001)
  • First 30 minutes are a bit proper WTF but make far more sense the second time round.
  • Because of character and visual similarities this is always going to be compared to 2001, and while it owes much to the original, I feel that it far surpasses it.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Tambourine, Blood!!!, Buttocks, Speedball, Plants, Ping Pong, Carvings, Camp robots, Space, Moon,

The Kingdom:

  • First 75% is a regular enough Army / Political procedural investigation, which makes the final 25% pure raw action movie feel quite welcome.
  • Graphic and no-holds barred look at terrorism

Score: 7.5/10


Todd Margaret (Season 2):

  • Totally offensive, but very funny
  • Not much more to say!

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Substantial Todd Margaret, Le Molecule, Ghost, Young and not Legal, Eyebrows, Pank, Poo and a Wank, Rugby, Leeds, Acute penis envy, reverse Othello, self help CD, fart ring tone, Princess Diana grave, Pedophile wing, Steve Davis,

The Road

  • Grim
  • Depressing
  • Nihilistic
  • Viggo’s on good form, and out of nowhere… BOOM – more of Viggo’s ass on screen, twice. I’ve seen this enough times in my life now, thanks
  • Bleak
  • Somber
  • Grave
  • Melancholy
  • Religious overtones,
  • very, very vague story, plot and backstory – pretty much just ‘survival’
  • Didn’t really see the point of the film…
  • Product placement extravaganza (not much else that could fund it though) Coca Cola, Heinz, Del Monte… ironically makes me sick
  • The savage, omnipresent bleakness dominates the film, to the point where I didn’t care for the characters, as there was almost no focus on them
  • Picture was decent, but very gray and washed out. Sound mix was booming.

Score: 3/10

TAGS: Buttocks, dirty water, Annoying Son, OMAR!!!, Arrows, Legshot!, Coughing, Coca Cola, Del Monte, Cannibalism, Self Surgery, Headshot!, Papa, Dirty, Need a wash.

Valley of Elah:

  • Definitely has more of a TV feel with it’s very slow/steady pace that never shifts up – and more generally an overall lack of any remote cinematic feeling.
  • Very much an actors film, with a lot of serious acting to be had – and everyone doing well to keep up with Tommy and Charlie
  • TLJ is on fire… I love this guy!
  • Another one of the modern anti ‘war film’, focused around the army, and the effect of was on troops back home.

Score: 6.5/10

TAGS: Tits, buttocks, pantyhose, Jim beam, photos, pickup truck, flags, chicken, body parts, blue car, Iraq.

The Prestige

  • Bad film to be cast a bird.
  • Michael Cain – can’t stand him in most movies; he’s the most one-dimensional character actor in history
  • Very poor timeline at the beginning that only becomes apparent towards the end (for first time viewers)
  • Great atmospheric score, long deep notes that resonate through entire scenes.
  • Slow, slow burner
  • Not unlike any of the tricks in the movie, the film follows the same formula. Pledge; two magicians trying to out do each other. Turn; you see their various ways of doing so. Prestige; the big reveal.
  • For all the film’s weaknesses the reveal at the end is outstanding.
  • BD presentation is great – the sound of Tesla’s machines bouncing ’round the speakers never gets old.

Score: 5.5/10

TAGS: Bird Fail, Lightbulb Field, Crazy Science, beards, electricity, fingers… ouch!

Lawless

  • Tried hard enough, but just wasn’t engaging or hooking in
  • Like cramming a full series of Boardwalk Empire into 1 movie.
  • Biggest flaw was having not enough Gary Oldman and least famous brother, and too much Shya Le Bowf / Tom Hardy (who is good, but has a ridiculous voice… again)

Score: 5.5/10

The Shield (Season 1)

  • Strike team.
  • Very interesting premise – following a corrupt cop and his equally questionable team.
  • Main character is a total choad – more of a villain that a hero, but is humanised through some forced heroics and personal stories. By the end, Vic walks such a fine line between supercop and super-criminal that you have to make your own mind up.
  • Lots of macho “stay out of my way” / “I get results” generic 80s cop-chat.
  • Terrible music – bad nu-metal tracks with laughably literal lyrics.
  • Doesn’t beat around the bush with crime scenes: sex club, motherhood, police ambushes,
  • Stories started in first few episodes picked up at the end of season.
  • Cops Vs Cops. Cops Vs bad guys. Cops vs the public
  • Stylish, kinetic, aggressive.

Score: 7.5/10

TAGS: Hit and run, shit drawer, spunk, gay cop, delicious feet, strippers, hookers, hoe shoe, blanket party, the nation, cockfights, cop killers.

The Quiet Family:

  • Gallows / graveyard humour
  • Showed some promise, but felt quite stagey and under-developed
  • Disappointing giving director

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Misty Lodge, Shovel, Humping, Phone Sex, Upskirt, Cukoo Clock, The Stray Cats,

Because I don’t have enough of opinions, passion or conviction to finish off these – here’s a catch-up / rundown of the movies I caught over the past 12 months that won’t get full reviews.

Super 8
Nostalgic love letter to 1980s action/adventure/family films
Fist-bitingly self-referential through the junior filmmaker angle
Kids were annoying beyond belief and all spoke like adults
The two fathers were the best thing about the cast
Poorly judged humour throughout, none of the ‘jokes’ were funny
Story was a faily textbook alien / monster mash
Nothing new or special.
Like JJ was more concerned about giving Spielberg’s a hummer
TAGS: Aliens, Cubes, Roswell, My Sharona, Braces, Annoying kids, Theif, Tutting.

Score: 6/10

—–

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Biggest boob is that you know so little about the 4 potential traitors that you can’t really hazard a decent guess, which makes the massive reveal obsolete and emotionally redundant
Never really picks up the pace, and gets bogged down in the massive story
Period settings were impressive
Acting was solid, but spread too thinly to provide a dominating lead / outstanding performance
Stodgy film, never breaks walking pace
Disappointing overall given the mega cast.
TAGS: Faceshot, Everyone Smokes 20 a day, Lighter, Vodka, Ugly Glasses,

Score: 4/10

—–

Cowboys and Aliens
Steady, interesting mix of two blockbuster genres. Did make the film a bit confused and borderline silly at times
Aliens and the CGI were solid.
Daniel Craig plays the man with no name well; Ford does his grumpy old man routine again. Making the most of the woman, it’s nothing short of eye-raping fanboy praise for the body of Olivia Wilde – any opportunity to showcase the curves.
Good fun, dumb blockbuster, big action and entertaining enough.
TAGS: Knife, Scarface, Hand…Ouch, Beard, Lasso, Stiff Nips, bracelet, wrist gun, bad teeth

Score: 6.5/10

—–

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Racist robots, loads of ridiculous in-your-face advertising.
Become de-sensitised to the big, loud, dumb action very quickly
Feminism fail.  EPIC feminism fail
Annoying small Beavis and Butthead robots are up there with Jar Jar Binks
Too many poorly judged comic relief moments and characters.
The NASA link and story was pretty interesting, Karma’d out by the Chernobyl bit, which was completely tasteless.
Whatever happened to Michael Bay?
TAGS: Pout, Cleavage, Cisco, racist robots, crash bang wallop,

Score: 3/10

—–

Attack the Block
Heroes are a bucnh of knife-criming kids from the ghetto… strange choice
Some top-drawer gore for a teen film – neck being chewed off and brains being squashed out of someone’s mouth.
Monsters are cool,
Although people drop off for the duration, there’s not much sense of horror / danger.
TAGS: Black, Glowing Teeth, Gore, Blood, Hoodies, Yobs, High-Rise, Drugs

Score: 6/10

—–

Source Code
Decent, but not as good as Moon
Tight, solid sci-fi blockbuster.
No matter how big, expensive and mainstream films like this get – you still can’t beat Primer.
TAGS: Train, Groundhog Day, Quantum Physics, Brains, frostbite, drty bomb,

Score: 7/10

—–

Rango
“I once found a human spleen in my fecal matter” – out of nowhere. Line of the year contender.
Four owls were pretty annoying, much like the singing mice in Babe.
Would probably be offended if I was Mexican
Depp’s voice acting is bizarro – doesn’t really sound like him
Overall very strong voice cast,
Almost no original ideas or imagery – it’s a ‘homage’-o-rama
Tags: Talking Animals, smoking animals, drinking animals, Water, water shortage,

Score: 5/10

—–

Drive Angry 3D
Accountant Fitchner is the best thing by a mile.
If seeing Nicolas Cage roll about shagging a girl in the middle of a gunfight and winning if cool – this is your lucky day
Amber Herd – huba huba huba huba huba huba huba…
Tons of attitude
3D’s great and gimmicky – the way it should be
Mark it down as another Hammy and OTT Cage film; standing like a douche with really Bad Hair,
It’s good, but not half as good as it could and should have been given the trailers and premise
TAGS: Alcoholism, Tits, Legs, Denims, Everythingshot!!

Score: 6/10

—–

True Grit
[Ultra positive Metro, Pro-Oscar review in the Metro with Ross Vs Ross]
Bridge’s incoherent accent grates by the end of the picture, I’d just given up trying to figure out what he was saying
Some strange humour laced throughout
Some overdrawn scenes like the bartering / campfire chats – just seem to go on and on.
Solid enough picture, but had expected a lot more from the Coens and Oscar-heavy cast.
TAGS: Horses, Horseshot!, Bad teeth, moustaches, Bear Man, Subtitles PLZ

Score: 6.5/10

—–

The Green Hornet 3D:
Seth Rogen just babbles and babbles 99% bullshit filler and 1% actually funny jokes / immature insults.
Ghondry has absolutely no stamp on this maybe other than the very last scene.
3D was far too subtle and only served to dull the picture
It did have a really nice/cool retro vibe, from the clothes to the cars and sets
Snapped table legs being rammed into someone’s eyes stood out as being a bit mental for a 12A
Total buddy cop/hero flick by the numbers: everything’s cool -> OMG they hate each other -> Everything’s cool again.
Harmless comedy vacuum with a couple of laughs, none memorable.
TAGS: Date rape smoke, beers, 3D,

Score: 4/10