Slop Bucket 2013

Here’s a bunch of films that I saw last year but can’t be assed didn’t get round to properly writing up. Opinions welcome in the comments. Enjoy.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

• Classic ‘middle movie’.
• Set up is pretty much the same as before – twist, forced back in to games
• Games are decent, but again, PG – toned down – action.
• Seymour-Hoffman gobbling down scenery as a baddie
• So long for what little new stuff is shown
• Infuriatingly bogus non-ending – just as it gets interesting
• Bad news that 3rd movie has been split in two… lame money-grabbing.
• PEEEETTAAAHHHHH!!!!

Score: 4/10

TAGS: PETAH!, PEEETAH!, PEEEEEEETAAAAHHHH!, PPEEEEEEEEETTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!, PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTAAAAAHHHHHH!

—

Parker

• Jason Statham doing another slightly-better-than-average Jason Statham type action movie.
• Felt like one big excuse to get J-Lo down to her pants. I’m sure there’s a quicker, cheaper way somewhere…
• Statham fucking loves playing guys with a code. He’s totes de-throning Segal as ‘King of Codes’.
• Action’s good – but there’s pretty much nothing new on the table.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: That-film-where-Jason-Statham-has-a-moral-code-and-plays-a-balding-athletic-guy-in-a-suit-without-a-tie-that-gets-into-bother-with-loads-oft-ough-guys. Bad accents.

—

Tue Blood (Season 1):

• Over-sexed, trashy vampire-fantasy soft-porn for soccer moms.
• Izzie Caplin… such love. so wow.
• Sex, nudity, promiscuity, forbidden pleasures, lust, banging
• Feels like the female equivalent of Spartacus: blood and tits… sand.
• Even a junkie / addict is glamoured up: it’s all about drinking sexy red blood, not taking filthy drugs.
• Too much chat about inner-demons that gets a bit boring.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Dick Gout, Fangtasia, Cleavage, Tits, Masturbation, Tru Blood, O-Negative, Spontaneous Combustion, Aids Burger, Glamour, Fangbanger, Blood Fountain, Blood Fetish, Gore, Virtual Golf, Vampire Tribunal, Dean the Dog, Shapeshifter, Puke,

—

How I spent my summer vacation 

• Bit of a strange film – starts off quirky crime but soon descends in to a sloppy, stereotype-ridden borderline tasteless / racist (That’s our Mel!) Latino Jail
• Post-Prison-break S3 lawless prison scenario – fairly ridiculous.
• Good action though

Score: 4/10

—

Community (Season 2)

• KFC Space Rescue, zombies are among a few truly standout episodes – writing isn’t nearly as good as Season 1.
• Feels clunkier and more sporadic / parody based – silly and ridiculous stories replacing observational college humour.
• Stop-motion Christmas is absolutely terrible, but the D&D episode is absolutely fantastic.
• Pierce & Chang become runaway cast members

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Toto Africa, Chloroform, level 5 laser lotus, Oil Wrestling, Chick Fight, KFC, Butt Flag, E pluribus anus, ABBA, Zombies, Trampoline, Pen Episode, Annie’s Bobs, Professor Professorson, diorama, cave of frozen memories, my dinner with andre, fat neil, pulp fiction party, Paintball, Chang puns.

—

Bourne Legacy

• Very slow start,
• Good action throughout although Greengrass imitation cam style was bamboozling to watch
• Renner’s good, but doesn’t have much character or backstory to play with, and he’s only ever really looking to get his pills.
• Basically a glorified drugs / heist movie

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Pharmaceuticals, Drone Strike, Drugs, Etching, Wood Release, 

—

World War Z:

• There are things to loathe: Pepsi product placement, the fact that a male model is the main star, and yes – Piers Morgan even shows up (making the zombie apocalypse a bit more appealing).
• Bottom line, this is a Zombie movie that’s targeted at the mainstream; leaving a lot of the essential zombie elements on the cutting room floor.
• Follows a ‘diet zombie film’ formula
• Not quite World War Zzzzzz

Score: 6/10

—

War Horse

• Everyone from Devon looks/talks/acts like simpletons: a very American portrayal of rural England…
• Acting in general is Sunday afternoon TV stuff, with a few good actors plopped in for some reason.
• The humans are out-acted by horses in most scenes… Hiddleston is about the only decent performance.
• First hour drags, second hour distracts, last 20 mins pulls at your heart.
• Music’s as important as the acting to lead you through the film,
• Random comedy goose
• Lingers too long in parts,
• Hammy, over-sentimental cheese.

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Was it amazing? Neeeiiiggghhhh

—

Anything For Her

• Having seen the re-make first, there’s things I prefer about each film. The cast in the original come up trumps but I would argue that there’s far more tension in the final act (escape) in the re-make, as they rush through a series of pre-identified zones.
• being set in France – in the EU – where free travel is permitted, kills all of the post-escape tension…

Score: 4/10

—

TransSiberian:

• Bleak colour scheme
• Woody is so unlikeable in this – American abroad.
• Story starts off great but becomes too convenient and even after a decent twist the final act is absolutely ridiculous.
• Strong cast: Acting’s solid – Kingsley is a half-believable Rusky, the Chick’s good too.

Score: 6/10

TAGS: Babushka Dolls, Heroin, Head…ouch, Headshot, Bad Policing, Lying, Photography, Everyone Smokes…, odka, Buttocks

—

Invictus

• Freeman sounds like he’s doing a Kim Jong Il Team America impression, far too Asian.
• Undecided: semi sports film, semi political film, semi biopic… never really knows what it is.
• Sentimental cheese-fest: slow pans, slow zooms, slow fades, slow motion, light piano accompaniment.
• Don’t know if it was unintentional but the story bounces along as unevenly as a football would, here, there, and everywhere.
• No proper complication, or ‘against the odds’ as you expect from the sporty element.
• Rose-tinted

Score: 4/10

TAGS: Johna Lumu, Olé, Sunglasses, Smile, Springbucks, Go Chester, Rugby World Cup.

—

Moon

• Rockwell’s amazing,
• Cracking concept, very well executed.
• Kevin Spacey is a camp robot (like 2001)
• First 30 minutes are a bit proper WTF but make far more sense the second time round.
• Because of character and visual similarities this is always going to be compared to 2001, and while it owes much to the original, I feel that it far surpasses it.

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Tambourine, Blood!!!, Buttocks, Speedball, Plants, Ping Pong, Carvings, Camp robots, Space, Moon,

—

The Kingdom:

• First 75% is a regular enough Army / Political procedural investigation, which makes the final 25% pure raw action movie feel quite welcome.
• Graphic and no-holds barred look at terrorism

Score: 7.5/10

—

Todd Margaret (Season 2):

• Totally offensive, but very funny
• Not much more to say!

Score: 7/10

TAGS: Substantial Todd Margaret, Le Molecule, Ghost, Young and not Legal, Eyebrows, Pank, Poo and a Wank, Rugby, Leeds, Acute penis envy, reverse Othello, self help CD, fart ring tone, Princess Diana grave, Pedophile wing, Steve Davis,

—

The Road

• Grim
• Depressing
• Nihilistic
• Viggo’s on good form, and out of nowhere… BOOM – more of Viggo’s ass on screen, twice. I’ve seen this enough times in my life now, thanks
• Bleak
• Somber
• Grave
• Melancholy
• Religious overtones,
• very, very vague story, plot and backstory – pretty much just ‘survival’
• Didn’t really see the point of the film…
• Product placement extravaganza (not much else that could fund it though) Coca Cola, Heinz, Del Monte… ironically makes me sick
• The savage, omnipresent bleakness dominates the film, to the point where I didn’t care for the characters, as there was almost no focus on them
• Picture was decent, but very gray and washed out. Sound mix was booming.

Score: 3/10

TAGS: Buttocks, dirty water, Annoying Son, OMAR!!!, Arrows, Legshot!, Coughing, Coca Cola, Del Monte, Cannibalism, Self Surgery, Headshot!, Papa, Dirty, Need a wash.

—

Valley of Elah:

• Definitely has more of a TV feel with it’s very slow/steady pace that never shifts up – and more generally an overall lack of any remote cinematic feeling.
• Very much an actors film, with a lot of serious acting to be had – and everyone doing well to keep up with Tommy and Charlie
• TLJ is on fire… I love this guy!
• Another one of the modern anti ‘war film’, focused around the army, and the effect of was on troops back home.

Score: 6.5/10

TAGS: Tits, buttocks, pantyhose, Jim beam, photos, pickup truck, flags, chicken, body parts, blue car, Iraq.

—

The Prestige

• Bad film to be cast a bird.
• Michael Cain – can’t stand him in most movies; he’s the most one-dimensional character actor in history
• Very poor timeline at the beginning that only becomes apparent towards the end (for first time viewers)
• Great atmospheric score, long deep notes that resonate through entire scenes.
• Slow, slow burner
• Not unlike any of the tricks in the movie, the film follows the same formula. Pledge; two magicians trying to out do each other. Turn; you see their various ways of doing so. Prestige; the big reveal.
• For all the film’s weaknesses the reveal at the end is outstanding.
• BD presentation is great – the sound of Tesla’s machines bouncing ’round the speakers never gets old.

Score: 5.5/10

TAGS: Bird Fail, Lightbulb Field, Crazy Science, beards, electricity, fingers… ouch!

—

Lawless

• Tried hard enough, but just wasn’t engaging or hooking in
• Like cramming a full series of Boardwalk Empire into 1 movie.
• Biggest flaw was having not enough Gary Oldman and least famous brother, and too much Shya Le Bowf / Tom Hardy (who is good, but has a ridiculous voice… again)

Score: 5.5/10

—

The Shield (Season 1)

• Strike team.
• Very interesting premise – following a corrupt cop and his equally questionable team.
• Main character is a total choad – more of a villain that a hero, but is humanised through some forced heroics and personal stories. By the end, Vic walks such a fine line between supercop and super-criminal that you have to make your own mind up.
• Lots of macho “stay out of my way” / “I get results” generic 80s cop-chat.
• Terrible music – bad nu-metal tracks with laughably literal lyrics.
• Doesn’t beat around the bush with crime scenes: sex club, motherhood, police ambushes,
• Stories started in first few episodes picked up at the end of season.
• Cops Vs Cops. Cops Vs bad guys. Cops vs the public
• Stylish, kinetic, aggressive.

Score: 7.5/10

TAGS: Hit and run, shit drawer, spunk, gay cop, delicious feet, strippers, hookers, hoe shoe, blanket party, the nation, cockfights, cop killers.

—

The Quiet Family:

• Gallows / graveyard humour
• Showed some promise, but felt quite stagey and under-developed
• Disappointing giving director

Score: 5/10

TAGS: Misty Lodge, Shovel, Humping, Phone Sex, Upskirt, Cukoo Clock, The Stray Cats,