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Tag Archives: 3D

Underworld: Awakening (3D): 27th 4th installment of vampires vs werewolves where Kate Beckinsale jumps around in a skin-tight pvc suit, firing shiny guns at hairy beasties. The Vampires vs Lycans story is stretched about as far as it can be here, a couple of plot contrivances later and you have a non-sensicle semi-story (i.e. a reason for the SFX) that almost justifies another film. The action is decent enough, styalised slow-mo and very gory; there’s blood, bones and limbs splattering everywhere. Instead of standard filler, the film gets carried away with good wedge of characterisation and ‘emotional scenes’ – not what you’re expecting, or wanting here. Technically it’s decent although some of the werewolves look like jerky claymation in times (could be the 3D) and it may as well have been shot in black and white. The 3D is wholly unnecessary, so subtle that there was no real depth in the picture, or pointy pokery – no 2D option available at my local. Underworld Awakening is more of the same, exactly what it looks like, and probably won’t overly disappoint (or impress) fans of the franchise and stray punters alike.

Score: 4/10

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A very Harold and Kumer 3D Christmas: [3D] It’s Christmas eve and when a magical doob burns down Harold’s one-of-a-kind Christmas tree the two must find a replacement before the big day. And yes, this film is every bit as stupid as the title would suggest. There’s babies on drugs, dick jokes, racial stereotypes, lesbian nuns/pedo priests, drug use, dealer Santa, a surgery montage, sexy massage, and a robot that makes waffles (and hates pancakes) – it’s totally mental, 100% crude but so festive that it’s almost impossible not like. The stoner element is minimized to a few scenes and 3D smoke rings, and it feels more like a ‘Hangover’ type situation-after-situation affair. The 3D was brilliant: very aware, gimmicky, in-your-face pointy-pokery – the way it should be. Surprisingly funny, solidly uplifting, and equally offensive to every and all age/race/belief this could well be one of the best modern Christmas stories!

Score: 7/10

Tron Legacy: 3D – sequel-ish rebooty mish mash, in relation to the original sci-fi epic Tron; and almost 30 years in the making. First off, the story is atrocious, convoluted and a shoddy excuse to bombard your eyes with cutting-edge special effects. Not necessarily a bad thing as the CGI is great, and there’s plenty of sly little nods to the definitive Sci Fi flicks; Matrix, 2001, Blade Runner, original Tron etc. The 3D element (particularly in the computer) was impressive and added to the big, loud, bold & fast action sequences. I enjoyed how the Technical/I.T./Computing terminology and detail is still tight, however this is a bit of problem because the film tries to balance this (appealing to the sub-culture of computer geeks – like the original) with a blockbuster movie – which was alienating to technophobes as it doesn’t hold back with the jargon. The story also relies on viewers seeing & understanding the original to fully ‘get it’. Bridges is alright but essentially plays a watered-down PG version of the Dude. CGI Bridges was so life-like that I bet some people couldn’t tell he wasn’t real. Oh, and Michael Sheen was ridiculous as a Bowie rip-off. The Daft Punk soundtrack was spot on; booming and atmospheric in all the right places. Despite the visual  opulence, for an epic big-budget studio film it all feels quite hollow, and purely there for aesthetic reasons / franchise-based ticket sales. Other than the action sequences (essentially graphically updated from Tron), and a couple of scenes that make you think “awesome!” there’s not a whole lot else to take away from Tron Legacy.

Score: 4/10

Because I don’t have enough of opinions, passion or conviction to finish off these – here’s a catch-up / rundown of the movies I caught over the past 12 months that won’t get full reviews.

Super 8
Nostalgic love letter to 1980s action/adventure/family films
Fist-bitingly self-referential through the junior filmmaker angle
Kids were annoying beyond belief and all spoke like adults
The two fathers were the best thing about the cast
Poorly judged humour throughout, none of the ‘jokes’ were funny
Story was a faily textbook alien / monster mash
Nothing new or special.
Like JJ was more concerned about giving Spielberg’s a hummer
TAGS: Aliens, Cubes, Roswell, My Sharona, Braces, Annoying kids, Theif, Tutting.

Score: 6/10

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Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Biggest boob is that you know so little about the 4 potential traitors that you can’t really hazard a decent guess, which makes the massive reveal obsolete and emotionally redundant
Never really picks up the pace, and gets bogged down in the massive story
Period settings were impressive
Acting was solid, but spread too thinly to provide a dominating lead / outstanding performance
Stodgy film, never breaks walking pace
Disappointing overall given the mega cast.
TAGS: Faceshot, Everyone Smokes 20 a day, Lighter, Vodka, Ugly Glasses,

Score: 4/10

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Cowboys and Aliens
Steady, interesting mix of two blockbuster genres. Did make the film a bit confused and borderline silly at times
Aliens and the CGI were solid.
Daniel Craig plays the man with no name well; Ford does his grumpy old man routine again. Making the most of the woman, it’s nothing short of eye-raping fanboy praise for the body of Olivia Wilde – any opportunity to showcase the curves.
Good fun, dumb blockbuster, big action and entertaining enough.
TAGS: Knife, Scarface, Hand…Ouch, Beard, Lasso, Stiff Nips, bracelet, wrist gun, bad teeth

Score: 6.5/10

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Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Racist robots, loads of ridiculous in-your-face advertising.
Become de-sensitised to the big, loud, dumb action very quickly
Feminism fail.  EPIC feminism fail
Annoying small Beavis and Butthead robots are up there with Jar Jar Binks
Too many poorly judged comic relief moments and characters.
The NASA link and story was pretty interesting, Karma’d out by the Chernobyl bit, which was completely tasteless.
Whatever happened to Michael Bay?
TAGS: Pout, Cleavage, Cisco, racist robots, crash bang wallop,

Score: 3/10

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Attack the Block
Heroes are a bucnh of knife-criming kids from the ghetto… strange choice
Some top-drawer gore for a teen film – neck being chewed off and brains being squashed out of someone’s mouth.
Monsters are cool,
Although people drop off for the duration, there’s not much sense of horror / danger.
TAGS: Black, Glowing Teeth, Gore, Blood, Hoodies, Yobs, High-Rise, Drugs

Score: 6/10

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Source Code
Decent, but not as good as Moon
Tight, solid sci-fi blockbuster.
No matter how big, expensive and mainstream films like this get – you still can’t beat Primer.
TAGS: Train, Groundhog Day, Quantum Physics, Brains, frostbite, drty bomb,

Score: 7/10

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Rango
“I once found a human spleen in my fecal matter” – out of nowhere. Line of the year contender.
Four owls were pretty annoying, much like the singing mice in Babe.
Would probably be offended if I was Mexican
Depp’s voice acting is bizarro – doesn’t really sound like him
Overall very strong voice cast,
Almost no original ideas or imagery – it’s a ‘homage’-o-rama
Tags: Talking Animals, smoking animals, drinking animals, Water, water shortage,

Score: 5/10

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Drive Angry 3D
Accountant Fitchner is the best thing by a mile.
If seeing Nicolas Cage roll about shagging a girl in the middle of a gunfight and winning if cool – this is your lucky day
Amber Herd – huba huba huba huba huba huba huba…
Tons of attitude
3D’s great and gimmicky – the way it should be
Mark it down as another Hammy and OTT Cage film; standing like a douche with really Bad Hair,
It’s good, but not half as good as it could and should have been given the trailers and premise
TAGS: Alcoholism, Tits, Legs, Denims, Everythingshot!!

Score: 6/10

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True Grit
[Ultra positive Metro, Pro-Oscar review in the Metro with Ross Vs Ross]
Bridge’s incoherent accent grates by the end of the picture, I’d just given up trying to figure out what he was saying
Some strange humour laced throughout
Some overdrawn scenes like the bartering / campfire chats – just seem to go on and on.
Solid enough picture, but had expected a lot more from the Coens and Oscar-heavy cast.
TAGS: Horses, Horseshot!, Bad teeth, moustaches, Bear Man, Subtitles PLZ

Score: 6.5/10

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The Green Hornet 3D:
Seth Rogen just babbles and babbles 99% bullshit filler and 1% actually funny jokes / immature insults.
Ghondry has absolutely no stamp on this maybe other than the very last scene.
3D was far too subtle and only served to dull the picture
It did have a really nice/cool retro vibe, from the clothes to the cars and sets
Snapped table legs being rammed into someone’s eyes stood out as being a bit mental for a 12A
Total buddy cop/hero flick by the numbers: everything’s cool -> OMG they hate each other -> Everything’s cool again.
Harmless comedy vacuum with a couple of laughs, none memorable.
TAGS: Date rape smoke, beers, 3D,

Score: 4/10

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (3D) – Jack Sparrow and Barbossa set sail for the Fountain of youth, but have to outrun Blackbeard and the Spanish. The story gets from A-Z coherently enough, but clunks from segment to segment, with very little flow. Being the 4th film in the series, the old-fashioned adventure feel of the original is all but gone – drowned out by big/loud CGI. The one thing that does remain impressive is the original score, which is about the only fully effective aspect of the film’s components. Cast-wise, the mammoth franchise reels in some equally big names, and while they all earn their money you get the feeling that they’re nobody’s really trying any more – there’s also the most gratuitous Cruz cleavage since Volver. The 3D’s pretty sharp & impressive, and more subtle than other recent flicks. In the end, Pirates 4 is passable, but not much more than a quite boring, overlong money spinning, summer blockbuster.

Score: 3.5/10

Megamind 3D: After finally defeating his nemesis, supervillain Megamind finds out that life without a hero around is actually quite boring, so he creates a new enemy, but things don’t all go to plan! This idea and story is novel and interesting for the first twenty minutes, but Megamind quickly runs out of steam as the last hour plays out. It’s 100% aimed at the kids – getting only a handful of chuckles from the adults, attributed to a couple of drawn-out jokes that die too fast: Metrocity / Metro City & Marlon Brando impression. The animation’s good, and characters are interestingly designed but then again pretty much every big-studio CGI affair works on this level these days. The 3D is also nice to look at, but loses its effect after 10-15 minutes. The main selling point is the high-end, and very recognisable voice actors; everyone’s good, but David Cross and Will Ferrell are particularly enjoyable. While the older audiences won’t get as much of this out of films like Toy Story and The Incredibles, the kids will absolutely love this.

Score: 5/10

Jackass 3D: Ten years after they first hit MTV the gang are back together – looking far more haggard and older – doing what they do best; the painful, funny and ridiculous. For the full run time they pull out all the stops with crazy new skits and upping the ante on old ideas. Some stunts are stupid beyond believe, some unbelievably painful and some unforgettable. Surprisingly, the 3D element is outstanding, depth, brightness and is only used gimmicky a couple of times – definitely the best 3D film I’ve seen yet; Temaine sure knows how to use these cameras; when he’s not throwing up on them. Stick around for the credits as there’s a nice (!) sentimental montage of the crew. Unless you’re in PETA Jackass is something that you’ll love or hate. There’s not plot, and it’s just a bigger budget, more stupid, longer version of the show – so you know exactly what you’re getting. I can’t remember ever seeing a whole theater laugh this much and this hysterically from the very first (dickhouse) logo through to the final credit. Yes it’s stupid, yes parts are disgusting and yes, there’s a lot of male nudity, but for kids that grew up in the MTV generation this is solid gold.

Score: 9/10

Piranha: (Piranha 3D – 2010) Spring break is ruined as an earthquake releases a massive school of 2 million year old cannibal super-piranhas into a party-lake!! The movie’s divided in to two parts: set up (nudity-fest and just enough gore) and bloodbath (gore-fest and just enough nudity). The cast is a who’s who of B-movie stars, all typecast and wafer thin characters; in saying that, Christopher Lloyd’s great fun, Ving Rhames is Ving Rames, Kelly Brook is ball-tighteningly hot and porn stars Gianna Michaels / Riley Steele also get their 3D lungs out – no complaints with any of that! The gore‘s decent enough; most of it is real effects so looks pretty good but the CGI is a bit rubbish and the underwater scenes look very dark with the 3D glasses on. The 3D itself is generally good if a tad sloppy – they clearly spent the most time on the buxom booty and a few cheap ‘poke outs’ and not enough time on the piranhas themselves, but on the whole it was decent. There’s a bunch of nice nods to Jaws, from the poster through to ‘the dolly shot’, when Brody realises what’s happening, and even the casting of Dreyfuss. My biggest complaint is that for the robbery extra cost of seeing a 3D flick it’s very short – although given that Piranha barely sustains itself for 75-80 minutes this may be a godsend! All-in Piranha’s everything you expect it to be: shallow and camp, but bulging with entertaining gore, red dye and constant nudity… what more could you want from a B-movie? Guilty pleasure of the summer.

Score: 4.5/10

Avatar 3D: marketed as the biggest and best sci-fi adventure of all time – bold claim. From the start it’s totally otherworldly; with the characters, animals, landscapes, textures and backgrounds all meticulously designed. For some reason the planet reminded me of Finding Nemo! The 3D wasn’t flawless as only one object in a frame would show real depth and the rest of the scene appeared out of focus or flat – it’s quite an exercise for the eyes. The sound was uncomfortably loud in parts too, so not an easy film for the senses!! Story-wise it wasn’t the best, or most original, and it took some super-ridiculous & corny twists. The characters are all “stock” clearly falling into the ‘good’ or ‘bad’ camps, and dialogue / acting is generally flat. Cameron’s tried to make it quite humane with the ‘aliens’ clearly echoing our 3rd world; while ‘undertones’ push simple arguments against war on terror and eco-issues. Beyond the impressive looks and epic action scenes all other elements of the film are distinctly average. It’s a great experience, but a victim of its own hype. Don’t expect perfection.

Score: 7/10