Archive

Tag Archives: B-movie

Father’s Day

Father’s Day: a string of dads are being raped and killed by “The Fuchman”, so a priest travels the globe to track down the one-eyed anti-hero that can save the day. There’s dismemberment, gore, cannibalism & masturbation in the first few frames, so be under no illusions… this is exploitation smut at it’s most rotten! For the first 20 minutes, it’s not entirely obvious whether this is trying to be a serious b-movie or a comedy spoof; but as the gags start piling on it becomes clear. The film marries tongue in cheek genre humour with outlandish and graphic shocks; epitomised in a dick-biting scene which leaves little to the imagination. For a Troma-funded b-movie, it does well to capture the guerilla / ‘cult’ / independent / cheap vibe, synonymous with the brand – and for a low-budget movie, the budget is impressively stretched to infinity. It’s well-shot, but smothered in post-production Machete-esque grain and distortion which comes and goes for no particular reason. Towards the end it becomes totally absurd, the likes of which I can only really compare to some of the CKY skits from the first 4 videos, still it remains funny and entertaining. Father’s Day is a post-Machete, sub-Hobo, spoof / homage of the direct-to-video slashers of the 70s/80s, with a ton of blood and titties to keep modern audiences satisfied. While it lacks a coherent narrative, there’s a thousand ideas thrown at it, which is more than enough to save the movie, and leaves B-movie aficionados plenty like and admire.

Score: 6.5/10

Black Christmas

December 24, 2011

Leave a comment

Black Christmas: [Mild spoiler] a sorority house plagued by abusive phone calls starts losing housemates at a rapid rate, but who is the killer!? Widely considered to be the first ‘slasher’ film, it contains everything we now take for granted in the genre – deranged serial killer with an aversion to young folk (always played by significantly older folk), meticulous stalking, savage attacks, all held together with of blood, terror and tension. This is one of the more technically superior horrors I can remember seeing; the first-person camera stalking is extremely impressive – especially given the size of old equipment – it’s cleverly shot, creepy sounding, well mixed, and remains convincingly festive. This still looks great for a 35 year old low-budget horror – if you can ignore 70s fashion. The high-quality means that a proper atmosphere is built-up, and it becomes genuinely creepy in parts. It’s also ahead of the curve with gratuitously foul language, which stands out more than the gore you see. On the down side, there are some major pacing issues with several sections of boring non-story, non action filler. Most disappointingly, there’s no reveal of the killer, motives or even a face – definitely missed a trick, leaving a bitter, unsatisfying taste. Black Christmas is a good B-movie, better than most of the stuff that’s churned out en masse these days – even after decades of imitation. It’s unfortunate that what would have been so fresh and shocking back in the day is now more interesting for everything behind and off camera – and how it was once innovative, unique, interesting, and bold enough to kickstart a genre.

Score: 6/10

Rare Exports

December 22, 2011

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale – something very Christmassy is buried under a mountain at the Russia/Finland border; when it’s dug up, everyone will believe in a very different Santa! The story is quite basic, but is laced with just enough crazy and black humour to keep you interested and watching. Nothing’s rushed and the story slowly plods along with plenty build up but not much action, until quite an absurd final 20 minutes, but hey – this is fiction! The setting, timeline and snow make the film quite Festive, but with the impending cluster-fudge and gritty Santa figures, you’d do well to keep away from the kids (something not right about hundreds of naked old men running towards a kid!!) There are also some strong Finnish political views and attitudes woven through the duration, but stick out a bit. Overall, it’s a good idea, and admirable execution but definitely hampered by the budget – especially the ending. While it’s another good twist on old tales, for me, this year’s winner of obscure Scandinavian folklore-based films goes to Troll Hunter! Rare Exports is a decent enough B-Movie, much like the secret cargo in the film, this will do better to remain underground.

Score: 5.5/10

Bangkok Adrenaline

October 23, 2011

Bangkok Adrenaline: four backpackers lose a card game and now own local gangsters 1 million baht – so they kidnap an heiress and everything kicks off. It looks like (and is) a mid-low budget film, but that gives it a cheesy-charming and admirable vibe; it also makes light of many B-movie action tropes, which is a good touch of humour. Filmed in Thailand and only 80 minutes long, the budget goes a long, long way here. it’s very ‘laddish’ – opening 10 minutes are identical to Lock, Stock – and it’s end-to-end packed with machismo / babes / fighting / gambling / cars /guns and even has a slow-mo walking scene! The story’s pretty simple but the action is an absolute roundhouse kick-o-rama; this is how everyone should choreograph, film and edit action set pieces! There’s about 5 jaw-dropping fight/chase scenes, and the final 20 minutes, all worth picking this up for alone – and all done to a higher standard that most Hollywood films. This won’t be for everyone, for fans on Tony Jaa / District 13 style films it’s a must-see action flick that delivers he goods.

Score: 7.5/10

Stake Land

Leave a comment

Stake Land: when his mum, dad and baby sibling get their shit ruined, Martin is taken under the wing of a Vampire Hunter, and they make their way north to a vampire-free sanctuary. It’s easy to forget that this is a B-movie; no stars, no big sets, ton of gore, no-name production company… yet it’s well filmed, looks great an doesn’t just rely on schlock or clichés. in fact, it’s because this is a B-movie that this packs more of a punch; there’s not much character sentimentality, and several pretty rough scenes to watch. The story’s great, and keeps you intrigued, even with a distinct lack of dialogue, ridiculous cult, and almost no character backstory. The creatures are somewhat of a Zombie/Vampire mish-mash, that land somewhere between Romero, Rami and a manga adaptation. Breathing new life in to busy, but rapidly boring genre, Stake Land is a solid entry, proving that vampires don’t have to suck, and that the horror genre can step up it’s game now and again.

Score: 7.5/10

Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Nude Nuns with Big Buns: tasteless throwback nunsploitation revenge flick with a latino twist. The single best thing about this film is that the entire female wardrobe could have been packed in to a purse; this is proper bang-for-your-buck stuff – with so much tits and ass that birthday suits seem normal by the end! It’s also way more offensive than your standard b-movie with some genuinely filthy scenes like the gas station encounter and motel self-surgery – it feels like a proper old-fashioned video nasty but without the hype – and it’s actually nasty. Story-wise, it’s pretty standard for the genre – following a lesbian, drug-addicted nun-gone-wild, with plenty of bad habits(!!). Technically, it’s pretty solid for a low-budget b-movie, and the acting’s passable for a bunch of z-listers playing stock characters. With possibly the most honest title in cinema history, this is genuinely packed full of gratuitous nudity and violence; it’s also got the greatest dispatch of a main bad guy in any film. Although this definitely isn’t for everyone, Nude Nuns with Big Guns is an entertaining, formulaic Machete-esque revenge flick aimed at the proper fans of ‘blood and titties’; a solid B-movie

Score: 4/10

The Human Centipede

October 31, 2010

The Human Centipede: A respected-but-crazy German surgeon tries to fulfill his dream of connecting three people by the digestive system and creating… a human centipede. Story-wise, you’ve seen the set-up a million times; two helpless travelers’ car breaks down, they have no phone signal and they land up on a madman’s door step. Where this differs is that compared to slasher/monster flicks the idea and villain are firmly rooted in reality (and apparently medicine!) – further implied by the film’s familiarly clinical settings and unsettlingly sterile visuals. What makes this so shocking is more than just the ultra-sick idea and follow-up; very little gore or filth is explicitly shown, and you’re mind gets to run wild with it – how does the digestive system work? what do the joined bits look like? etc. The budget goes a long, long way here (positively B-movie) – a great testament to the director, Tom Six. The Walken-esque Dr Heiter brings the entertainment as he bounces between absolute psychotic, campy crazy and the everyday mundane tasks of a killer; drugging / killing / burying. Very few people seem to notice the film’s ultra-black humour throughout, again, providing more relief from the shock. Despite the trailer revealing the whole story, and most of the big scenes, when watched in the context of the film everything you see has much more clout. This is true to itself and true to the shock/horror genre – making it a film that you’ll want to watch or avoid like the plague. If it is your bag, it’s surprisingly slick, tight, entertaining, shocking, watchable and unforgettable (all in a car-crash way!). The fact that it’s had the legs (!) to go from the pariah to mainstream says a lot. Well worth a punt.

Score: 6.5/10

Happy Halloween!!!

Zombie Beach Party

October 7, 2010

Leave a comment

Zombie Beach Party: aka (Zombie King and the Legion of Doom aka Enter… Zombie King) A troupe of masked wrestlers tag up to fight off a powerful arch enemy and his army of the undead before they take over the town! The good stuff: nice Inter-title cards introducing the main cast at the start, some pretty good and fun exhibition wrestling fights, super-rapid Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart cameo (as the sheriff). The bad stuff: more so than most b-movies there’s pretty much no acting (face or voice) as all the main characters wear masks, the night scenes are terrible due to bad lighting, poor quality film stock, on top of all the usual B-movie gaffes. The film tried to be a parody of the zombie genre and a homage to wrestling – it does both, but neither particularly well, not to mention there’s almost no zombie action! At the end of the day this ring-slid well underneath my bottom rope expectation!! Wrestlemaniac was way better, and that’s saying somehting!

Score: 2/10

Candy Strippers

Candy Strippers: A gherkin-looking membrane transfers and infects female hospital workers through kissing, turning them into seductive murderers… nothing to do with pole-dancers; I want my money back! Definitely bags the ‘Misleading title of the year’ award. It’s refreshing only having infected female killers for a change, but that’s where the originality ends. The last 40 minutes is just 20-somethings carelessly running around a hospital getting chopped up one by one. The last 10 ten minutes is a ludicrous needle-fest. Generally skipped through all the ‘plot building’ after the 20 minute mark. Nothing groundbreaking here: lame ‘monster’, average gore, terrible gags, unfathomably hot females, some gratuitous boobs and dumb people doing dumb things.

Score: 1.5/10

5ive Girls

Leave a comment

5ive Girls: Q: What do you get when you mix the following: a sadistic (borderline lesbian) head teacher, Alcoholic (touchy feely) priest, five hot-but-too-old-to-be-real school chicks, a dead ex-pupil and a creepy janitor? A: Yet another unnecessary horror movie. Poor script, terrible acting, and a generally pants story about witches. “Possessive nouns” did get a laugh, and why is the devil always so nasty in horror films? To top it off, the soundtrack was so upbeat it felt like it was lifted from an American Pie film. Even Hellboy couldn’t save this. Shockingly bad.

Score: 2/10

Albino Farm

October 23, 2009

Leave a comment

Albino Farm: A diverse group of ridiculously old and full-breasted ‘students’ go on the hunt for the redneck legend of Albino Farm. All of a sudden they find themselves with no signal, a burst tyre, an ‘insane’ local man, the world’s most gratuitous boob shot and a shed-load of dumb decisions – sound familiar? The outdoor night scenes are so bad you have no idea what’s happening and it takes an hour for the first proper bit of action. I had slightly higher hopes for this one because it ‘Starred’ Chris Jericho, but alas he (and the other minor celebs in this flick) clearly just owes someone a favour. All the budget seemed to have been spent on the moderately fancy opening credits, but after that the film was totally shoddy. Don’t bother with this one even if you love the WWE or Y2J. Inbred Mess.

Score: 2.5/10

The Gingerdead Man

October 12, 2009

Gingerdead Man: a bunch of failures stay in a bakery, despite everyone getting mauled by a rabid gingerbread man. Really bad acting, even worse ‘funnies’. After 30mins of boring backstory I started skipping to the gore. The production was so bad I thought it was filmed in the 80’s (not 2005) and the music was terrible. Rubbish gore, absolutely no attempt at continuity, the most obvious and generic plot ever. Doesn’t deserve to be classed as a comedy or horror, let alone both. It was only about 55 mins long! When did Gary Busey decide to do films this bad? They could have made so much more out of this but it was totally beyond shit. What’s worse is that there’s been two sequels… seriously?! Totally undercooked rubbish.

Score: 2/10

Evil Aliens

September 30, 2009

Evil Aliens: from the opening abduction scene you know this film’s going to be staple b-movie territory: social stereotypes, urban legend, broken down vehicle, drugs etc… The one thing this film does better than the rest is Gore, by the bucketload. Limbs, blood and guts fly around for the duration and there’s at least a dozen blood-facials – I’ve not seen gore on this scale since Braindead! It looks and feels like a mix between a Welsh Independence Day and a Slipknot music video, yet it’s shot and mixed pretty well. The story oscillates between disturbing and ridiculous, but it’s totally watchable and never makes you cringe, coupled with the gratuitous smattering of babes and it’s a winner. Pretty generic story but it’s saved by the gore and the humour – definitely one of the better B-movies.

Score: 5/10

Stag Knight

August 27, 2009

StagKnight: over the top 2007 British ‘black’ comedy horror about a stag party’s midnight paintball session and a murderous knight, awoken from a deadly slumber. Off the bat the film is laden with obvious jokes, bad accents, truly bizarre scenes, and some of the worst costumes you’ll ever see in a feature length… so far, so b-movie. There’s a diverse crew of stereotypes (mod, punk, nerd, Asian, wigger, fatty, wimp, hero, etc, etc), and despite being an 18 the gore’s kept to a minimum, with the majority of violence being suggested off screen. Despite it’s pitfalls the film looks very professional, with great audio and video – especially given that it’s almost entirely filmed in the dark: almost unheard of in this genre! Because of this it’s one of the few b-movies I’d have not felt ripped off by if I’d paid to see it at a cinema. It’s definitely horror for the ‘lads’ / sun readers, although it’s an admirable attempt.

Score: 4/10

Morgana

August 14, 2009

Leave a comment

Morgana: ditsy redneck girl gets mixed up with the wrong crowd in this “voluptuous vampire action film”. This has bad sound, bad music, a bad cast, bad acting, bad stereotypes, bad accents, bad 80s dancing and a very bad description. It’s basically a soft-porno that’s been left in the horror section. They must have spent the entire budget on strippers because there’s tits and slow-motion shagging all over the shop – and even that doesn’t do much for this one. It’s beyond me how guff film ideas like these get funding in the first place. After a bit of research the film’s actually called ‘Blonde Heaven’… Morgana’s a confusing title because it’s never said in the film!?!? Only just better than Crank, but still never worth watching, ever.

Score: 1/10

Wrestlemaniac

Leave a comment

Wrestlemaniac: Yet another Zone Horror film… when will I learn. As far as B-movies go this was OK. Featured the following ‘staple’ horror elements: crazy legend, generally low IQs, people insisting on walking about on their own, lame ‘jumpy’ bits, ridiculous nerds, unfathomably stupid ending as well as lesbians, tits, and pervy camera angles random Arnie Quote. Rey Mysterio’s dad was the main killer, weird. Looked and felt pretty professional compared to most low-budget horrors, but didn’t actually have that much to do with wrestling! Decent gore, but only a bodycount of six…

Score: 5/10

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Leave a comment

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (a.k.a. Strippers Vs Zombies): a b-movie on Zone Horror that looked like it had potential: was in fact utterly crap. Awful puns and acting, every zombie cliché in the book, and piss-poor effects… the blood looks like water dyed red! Clearly a platform for a bunch of wannabe porn stars, just hope they failed. Would probably be watchable if you were stoned or drunk… switched off after 1 hour. Hope my Zombie Strippers DVD w/ Jenna Jameson and Robert England isn’t as bad as this!!!

Score: 2/10

Seed

Leave a comment

Seed: another Zone Horror B movie, so I was sceptical: turned to be alright. Biggest boost was that it was genuinely atmospheric and eerie. Some good gross-outs, believable violence and disturbing scenes. The main capture was so poorly lit that it was impossible to tell what was going on, and the first 60 mins is mostly backstory. Bit of a shock ending that isn’t exactly what you want (or expect) to see. Appears to have been voted down on the big sites because nobody likes Uwe Boll’s other films, but I’d give this a decent rating because it’s better than most of the shit in the horror / gore / video nasty baskets.

Score: 6/10

UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine

Leave a comment

UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine: Only watched this ‘military experiment gone wrong’ flick because Michael Madsen was in the line-up. Another pretty good b-movie boasted by Zone Horror. Loads of fake gore and the typical stereotypes of society getting into trouble… worth a look, but wouldn’t go out of my way to buy it!

Score: 4/10

Pterodectyl

Leave a comment

Pterodactyl: a B-movie starring none other than everyone’s favourite foul-mouthed z-list rapper… COOLIO! Given the opening credits, cast and the fact that I’d never heard of this (because it was straight-to-TV!!!) I had braced myself for the worst! In the end it was actually an ace creature feature, with not bad special effects. Loads of goofs and WTF moments, but that’s what you want from a cheap horror film. Clichéd, but definately worth checking out any reruns on the Zone-Horror channel (which is brilliant).

Score: 6/10