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The Accidental Spy Parasol Umbrella Jackie Chan, Eric Tsang, Vivian Hsu, Kim Min-jeong, Wu Hsing-kuo, Cheung Tat-ming, Pauline Suen, Alfred Cheung, Scott Adkins,

The Accidental Spy (AKA – 特務迷城, Tè Wù Mí Chéng): an exercise equipment salesman from HK must hunt down his absent – now dead – father’s fortune and lung cancer cure. The story is a bit of a mess; far more convoluted than it needed to be, and for the most part – quite difficult to follow. The film mirrors this, opening with a rough Taliban-style massacre; then switching to a comedy Jackie Chan workout – and ping-ponging between quite dark elements and light entertainment. The action sees an older (but still totally ripped!) JC swap out some of his trademark physically demanding fights for more traditional big budget moments: an entire wooden pier gets trashed; and  planes, cars, & flaming tankers all explode after driving through every obstacle known to man. The highlight is a footchase from a Turkish bathhouse that sees Chan fight off various henchmen butt-naked whilst simultaneously covering his modesty; cheeky and entertaining – you couldn’t imagine anyone else pulling it off. People marvel at ‘peak’ Arnie, or Sly, but I’d rather have 1% of JC‘s agility and finesse than all the muscles in China! Overall, it’s one of the more forgettable Jackie Chan outings (like a lot of his made-for-the-west output), but even an average JC film is better than most action films. The Accidental Spy never overcomes the tonal mismatch of having the cheeky and goofy everyman surrounded by heroin-addicted damsels, violent terrorists, and absolutely retarded writing at the end (C.I.A. twist).

Score: 6/10

The Accidental Spy Turkish bath Jackie Chan, Eric Tsang, Vivian Hsu, Kim Min-jeong, Wu Hsing-kuo, Cheung Tat-ming, Pauline Suen, Alfred Cheung, Scott Adkins,

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The awesome people that follow me on twitter will be familiar with #searchtermoftheday – a regular feature of the best searches that real people type in to real search engines, which (somehow) directs them to this site.

Unfortunately, Google have started encrypting their searches, meaning that the majority of search engine referrals are no longer known – so enjoy these while you can. Here are some of the greatest hits from the past few years. It should be obvious they they’re 100% genuine / real, because nobody could think them up…

Amusing / phrasing

  • devout ass
  • boobs all size abcdefgh
  • courtroom puns
  • stupid catface photos
  • movie with alot of action and tits
  • hats with special powers
  • james bond licensed chest wigs
  • unimaginable lust
  • Mark ROFLoMark ROFLO
  • jackie chan asian?
  • skid marks + mtv room raiders
  • monkey is a good pet?
  • blowjobs please
  • the fighter ugliest cast ever
  • give me a parafraph about jesus was a commie
  • pancakes are fucking gay
  • massive fannies
  • midget mechanics
  • someone please explain tree of life
  • chick fights boobs everywhere
  • boys bumming each other

Stupid Questions:

Weirdly specific

  • cartoon images of men who is going through menopause
  • japanese naked women on salarymen’s desks
  • first experience of going to the cinema adult style
  • big bouncy tits shot full of bullets by zombies
  • old tv show where a man has two personalities in one hes an assigned killer in the other hes a loving husband
  • big fake titties, guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off
  • “unique is young, full of energy and a bottom girl that loves big dicks on her men and the darker the better!”
  • write a short paragraph about your experience with your friend to go camping
  • adult foreign film from 1980s where fox hunters on horse back hunted nude women
  • the pornsite jay was using in the inbetweeners movie
  • My parents went to Miami and all I got was molested by my neighbor
  • cannibal story of young girls being fucked milked then gets crushed up

Saught-after celebrity body parts (these are around 40% of incoming hits):

Fetish / Sexy-to-someone / Fapping

  • womenpigsex
  • horse penis
  • dogporn film
  • upskirts vintage martial arts girls
  • sumo sex
  • huge monster dildo shop
  • unthinkable penisNude Nuns Big Guns based on a true story
  • xxx rat torture
  • vibrator fight
  • pointy tits
  • penis biting gore movies
  • bikini clad bitches playing chess
  • women pig sexual
  • mega fuck slut masturbator
  • lara croft bound and gagged
  • http://www.madogasex.com
  • classic porn movie with rose in pussy
  • batman and catwoman get busy
  • bondage chess
  • kate beckinsale tied up
  • bizarre bestiality productions
  • why wank with ham?
  • jock strap stories
  • needles in tits movies
  • “assassin” “porn” “silencer”
  • tall moustached transvestites
  • cool big semi trucks and hot chicks
  • bouncing round breasts in horror thriller film
  • babes on horseback
  • pterodectyl porn
  • guys with huge nipples
  • smurf sex

 

What are your best search terms? And why are some people still allowed online?!?!

Chinese Zodiac - CZ12 - Jackie Chan, Kwon Sang-woo, Liao Fan, Yao Xing Tong, Zhang Lan Xin, Laura Weissbecker, Jonathan Lee, Vincent Sze, Alaa Safi, Pierre Bourdaud, Emmanuel Lanzi, Rosario AmadeoChinese Zodiac (十二生肖, CZ12): professional relic hunters scour the planet for 12 lost Chinese artifacts of the zodiac calendar. This most reminded me of The Extra Ordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc Sec – in that it’s a kids film with a big story, historical fantasy, and some PG-rated action. Speaking of which, no matter how many Jackie Chan action set-pieces you see, they never get tired or boring, and always have a jaw-dropping, unbelievable quality about them. It’s also a testament to his skills that even when he writes and choreographs the scenes – the ones where he’s not on-screen lack that special touch. Outside of the action, the film’s OK: a pretty standard globe-trotting, multi-lingual, universal-rating, big-name, big-budget, ‘big-appeal’ movie that’s been killed by committee. If this was only made of the JC action scenes you’d have to give this film a 10/10, however, the overly complicated story, continual flipping between languages, and some clunky CGI haul the overall product into the average zone.

Score: 6/10

CZ12 - Chinese Zodiac - Jackie Chan, Kwon Sang-woo, Liao Fan, Yao Xing Tong, Zhang Lan Xin, Laura Weissbecker, Jonathan Lee, Vincent Sze, Alaa Safi, Pierre Bourdaud, Emmanuel Lanzi, Rosario Amadeo

Rumble in the Bronx: whilst visiting his uncle in New York, Keong fom Hong Kong finds himself in the crosshairs of several gangs. The premise is basic (like the far East’s rebuttal to Black Rain – the West is full of uncivilized, violent punks!), the plot twists are silly and the acting’s borderline woeful, but this film has Jackie Chan; and an on form Jackie Chan of that! The action set pieces are still among the best you can find today; the shop fight, back alley fight, car park chase, and the superb gang den fight… action doesn’t get any better than this: strength, acrobatic skills, timing, planning, intuitive use of space & objects – it’s almost unbelievable. I could genuinely watch these scenes on loop all day and never get bored. The biggest stunts have a timeless jaw-dropping quality, mostly because they’re real and well-edited: you want to pull down a building? Lets build one to demolish! You want a hovercraft/car chase scene? Lets make it happen on real streets! Jackie Chan jumping a large gap between to 10-storey buildings? CGI boring and waste of money! Above the eye-blasting stuntwork there’s a lot of camera-friendly graffiti, clothes, cars, buildings and other such eye candy. There’s a couple of bizarre slapstick scenes that stick out like sore thumbs, but other than that, it’s all gravy. Sure it will never be on a Criterion or AFI “best films of all time” list, but Rumble in the Bronx is entertainment in one of its most pure and watchable forms, and they just don’t make ’em like this any more.

Score: 8/10

1911: Anniversary film about the revolution that ended 2,000 years of imperial rule in China. There’s a whole lot of revolutioning rolled into the opening 30 minutes, and the story doesn’t rest after that – entire week-long battles are boiled down to a minute of slow-mo and a paragraph summary of events. Even the indoor political scenes have frantic jump-cuts (like individual words have been removed) and crazy-fast dialogue. The overall tone of the movie feels like retrospective propaganda – definitely a rose-tinted version of history told by the winners, about their noble martyrs. Several westerners pop up at various points, and are portrayed as 1-dimensional cold fat-cats, only interested in money. On the up, it’s stunningly shot, every frame looks picturesque. Sets, costumes, detail all outstanding, especially in the large-scale set-pieces. Jackie Chan gets to administer a token ass kicking; more generally, he does well with his character, despite sharing screen time with scores of important characters that are continually introduced up to the last reel. With several TV series of the same story warranting 60 x 45 min, and 41x 45 minute episodes, this film feels like you’re flipping through a 1,000 page history book looking only at the pictures and captions – ignoring the main text. Unfortunately, being Chan‘s 100th movie is the most significant thing about 1911, and most disappointingly, there’s only a glimpse of the entertaining ass-kicking and stunts that made him a global star. The scope is just far, far too big to pull off in a conventional movie format.

Score: 4.5/10

NOTE: UK DVD is 95 minutes long, not international 125 minute cut

The Legend of Drunken Master: [Region 1 Import] Apparently this was deliberately dubbed in retro ‘Engrish’, lucky for everyone there’s not much dialogue. It’s also unfathomably camp, and terribly unfunny but what this one makes in is the action, and this is action like you’ve never seen before. Every fight and chase scene is mind-blowingly fast and intricate, yet universally enjoyable. The martial arts, especially drunken boxing, are great fun to watch and the physical prowess of a young(ish) Jackie Chan really has to be seen to be believed. It would be forgivable to think he was superhuman but there is absolutely no CGI involved – even when he’s scrambling over the hot coals! In particular the fight with hundreds of hatchet men at the tea house is suspiciously similar to, but infinitely better than, the computer-heavy Agent Smith fight in the Matrix reloaded: mostly because of the bravest, or dumbest, stunt guys in the world. Health and safety officers would have had a field day on that set! The story goes a bit pear-shaped around the middle, but on the whole is one of the best old-school action films available. Jackie Chan’s finest hour?

7.5/10