Archive

Tag Archives: David Hasselhoff

Sharknado The 4th Awakens Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Tommy Davidson, Masiela Lusha, Ryan Newman, Cody Linley, Imani A. Hakim, Cheryl Tiegs, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, The Chippendales,

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens. Let’s just start with that title, “the 4th awakens”… that’s a Star Wars reference, right!?!? But other than a couple of subtle riffs, there’s literally no connection to that franchise… Who the fuck is naming these movies!?!? The film begins – five years after Sharknado 3:Oh Hell No – in Las Vegas with a 15-minute action scene (that’s completely unrelated to the rest of the movie). It’s a shoddy ‘setup’ with almost no explanation and crammed with some of the worst CGI in the franchise so far (a fake shark-themed hotel, and flying car) and that’s saying something! Of the four movies, this one is by far the least cohesive and has the worst continuity… it essentially feels like a bunch of ‘that would be cool’ ideas very vaguely stitched together.  New characters appear, but are never introduced; the Grand Canyon is blown up and nobody seems to care; Tara Reid (how is she even still in these and Cassie Scerbo isn’t) ends up flying around with superpowers shooting lasers and shit; there’s a ton of sloppy references to things like Action Comics #1 / Alien / Wizard of Oz – all for no apparent reason; an actual advert – in the movie – for speech recognition TVs; everyone has a classic car for no obvious reason, and, most unforgivably, the film hops around from city to city (Kansas, Las VegasSan Fran, Arizona, Texas, Chicago, Ohio, Niagara Falls) where the real Eiffel Tower (What. The. Fuck?!!?) makes the best cameo in the movie. All in all; Sharknado 4 spectacularly fails to up the ante as much as the previous installment, and feels like idea has been stretched to the absolute limit.

Score: 3/10
B-Movie Score: 4/10

Sharknado The 4th Awakens Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Tommy Davidson, Masiela Lusha, Ryan Newman, Cody Linley, Imani A. Hakim, Cheryl Tiegs, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, The Chippendales,
LIST OF CAMEOS – doesn’t include half of the z-listers, competition winners, family members etc.

Carrot Top (So-called comedian), Corey Taylor (Slinknot / Stone Sour frontman), Jedward (Irish dancing twats), Gilbert Gottfried (croaky / shouty comedian), Dog bounty hunter + family (peace be with you brah), Seth Rollins (Sports entertainer), Steve Gutenberg (Lavalantula & 2 Lava 2 Lantula Star), Lloyd Kaufman (Toxie’s dad. Troma founder), Gary Busey (Even he is better than this!), Gena Lee Nolin & Alexandra Paul (original Baywatch babes), Roy Nelson (professional punchkicker), Vince Neil (Motley Crew), Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker), Frank Mir (professional kickpuncher),

Sharknado The 4th Awakens Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Tommy Davidson, Masiela Lusha, Ryan Newman, Cody Linley, Imani A. Hakim, Cheryl Tiegs, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, The Chippendales,

SHARK DEATHS

  • Chip n Dale punch
  • Cutlass / Swords
  • Fireworks
  • Ship’s Wheel
  • Fin-punch
  • Train Signal Pole
  • Chainsaw Family
  • Flaming Tree Logger
  • Tennis Racket
  • Treecapitation
  • Shotgun’d
  • Rifle’d
  • Chainsword
  • High-kicked
  • Mecha suit

Sharknado The 4th Awakens Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Tommy Davidson, Masiela Lusha, Ryan Newman, Cody Linley, Imani A. Hakim, Cheryl Tiegs, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, The Chippendales,

Sharknado  –  Review

Sharknado 2: The Second One  –  Review

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!  –  Review

SHARKNADO 3 OH HELL NO Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Bo Derek, Ryan Newman, Jack Griffo, David Hasselhoff, Frankie Muniz, Mark McGrath, George R. R. Martin, Mark Cuban, Chris Jericho,

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No [mild spoilers] – while receiving a medal for saving L.A. and NYC, Fin Shepard gets caught up in a third shark attack that stretches up and down the entire US East Coast. The production values are very high for a B-movie, but it the film retains the series’ ‘poorly-planned, sporadically-shot, and sloppily-put-together’ aesthetic – with thousands of short shots blended together to form a semi coherent narrative. There’s even more crowbarred cameos and extras (partial list below) whose continual introduction and lingering shots absolutely hammer the story’s flow and movie’s pacing. It’s even more bizarre because the majority of these are so niche that they won’t register with most viewers (other than hardened reality TV fans). On the plus side the action is way bigger and more ambitious, and the story enters utterly ridiculous territory: the main guy gets hurled off a full speed rollercoaster and survives; they go in to space with laser chainsaws… after a shark fight in space (!!) Tara Reid re-enters the earth’s atmosphere inside a shark (!!!); gives birth (!!!!), and pushes a baby through a gash cutout by her chainsaw hand (!!!WTFM8?!?!?!). It’s ridiculous. It’s utterly preposterous. It’s beyond stupid… and that’s what makes it so fun. As these events unfold – each upping the last – you get a genuine kick at how over-the-top it gets. Ian Ziering plays this pitch perfectly, with a knowing, tongue in cheek action hero shtick, and Cassie Scerbo (who was sorely missing in ‘nado 2) is a welcome return as a sexy, kickass sidekick. The less said about everyone else, the better. The Sharknado franchise is a very peculiar beast: it’s like your weird uncle and out-of-touch granny accidentally created a teen sensation but are determined to kneecap it by insisting on their shit friends getting cameos; milking every cent’s worth of product placement (Universal Studios / NASCAR / NASA / Subay / Today Show); and writing the script/story themselves to save money: maybe it’s part of the plan? Maybe that’s the charm? Who knows!? Sharknado 3 is probably “Peak Sharknado”, as I’m not sure that it’s possible to strike a better balance between shameless, unbelievably ridiculous, and rip-roaring fun that this movie pulls off. The third installment continues the trend of being bigger, better, dumber, funnier, and more enjoyable than its predecessor.” Heck, it’s even swimming in to normal movie scores territory.

Score: 5/10
B-movie: 8/10

sharknado-3-nova-fin-ian-ziering-tara-reid-cassie-scerbo-bo-derek-ryan-newman-jack-griffo-david-hasselhoff-frankie-muniz-mark-mcgrath-george-r-r-martin-mark-cuban-chris-jericho

LIST OF CAMEOS – doesn’t even include half the z-listers, competition winners, family members, etc!

Ne-Yo (Auto Tune legend), Jared Fogel (Child porn connoisseur), Kim Richards (Real Housewives), Anthony Weiner (Dicks out sexter), Ann Coulter (Right Wing Troll), Chris Jericho (Fozzy frontman), Steve Guttenberg (Lavalantula & 2 Lava 2 Lantula Star), Jerry Springer (WTF), Lou Ferrigno (Original Hulk), Mark Cuban (Shark Tank), Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle), George R. R. Martin (GoT Author), Holly Madison (Playboy Playmate), Penn and Teller (Magicians), Hoda Kotb (TV Anchor), Kathie Lee Gifford (Regis’ tag team Partner), Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray Singer), Michele Bachmann (formerly respected Republican), Jackie Collins (Novelist), Jedward (Irish Twin Twats), Rick Fox (eSports owner), Chris Kirkpatrick (NSYNC), Robert Klein (Comedian)

sharknado-3-president-cuban-ian-ziering-tara-reid-cassie-scerbo-bo-derek-ryan-newman-jack-griffo-david-hasselhoff-frankie-muniz-mark-mcgrath-george-r-r-martin-mark-cuban-chris-jericho


Shark Deaths:
– Sharkpunch
– Golden Chainsaw
– Broadsword
– Dyson Hoover
– President’s Shotgun
– President’s Grenade
– Floorsliding double M-16s
– George Washington Statue Bust
– American Flag (Iwo Jima homage)
– Caravan Carbomb
– Samurai Sword
– Laser beam
– Construction site Lamp
– Double Chainsaw
– Universal Globe
– Laser Chainsaw
– Re-entering earth burn

sharknado-3-bond-gunbarrel-ian-ziering-tara-reid-cassie-scerbo-bo-derek-ryan-newman-jack-griffo-david-hasselhoff-frankie-muniz-mark-mcgrath-george-r-r-martin-mark-cuban-chris-jericho

SHARKNADO REVIEW
SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE REVIEW

Kung Fury David Sandberg, Jorma Taccone, Steven Chew, Leopold Nilsson, Andreas Cahling, Eleni Young, Helene Ahlson, David Hasselhoff,Kung Fury: After being struck by lightning and bitten by a cobra a cop is transformed into a Kung Fu master and swears to protect his city from evil; evil like Adolf Hitler. Not unlike a Zucker brothers comedy, Kung Fury is crammed with a continuous assault of gags – lots hit the mark, some don’t, but the rapid pace doesn’t give you time to dwell on any of them. There are however a couple of big reservations that hit you when watching this: firstly, it all seems overly familiar because the film’s structured like a collage of ‘cool’ scenes, ideas and parodies from lots of great sources – Danger 5 (literally dozens of ideas stolen from this), Iron Sky, Oldboy, MacGruber, Mortal Kombat, ThunderCats, MASK… all of which are welcome, but you’ll have seen elsewhere. Secondly, with the characters being steampunk Nazis, talking animals, Viking babes with machine guns, dinosaurs etc – it feels like box-checking meme-bait: think SuckerPunch distilled into 30 minutes. Aesthetically, it looks beautiful and feels retro – mostly green screen, but all very well done, with seamless editing, and a couple of nostalgic VHS wear / tracking / distortion moments that really play up the 80s setting. There’s no denying that Kung Fury is fun, entertaining, and particularly well-crafted given the CGI-heavy nature – but ultimately it’s let down by a distinct lack of originality content.

Score:  7/10

You can watch the entire movie on YouTube below

Piranha 3DD: a year after the Lake Victoria spring break disaster the vicious prehistoric piranha threaten a newly opened water park. It feels more like a glamour model show reel as every five minutes – like clockwork – there’s an exposed, tight, perky body. Almost every girl is also a D+ cup, however the slow-mo running – read as bouncing boobs – couldn’t be more sleazy & leery, or less sexy – same goes for the waves of gratuitous, unnecessary nudity, used as a weak attempt to make you forget how bad the film is. The actual ‘actors’ here are all small-timers (see graph below for acting analysis), and the ‘famous people’ / quick-buck-cameos are beyond cringe-worthy – Hoff’s agent did him a solid: singing, quips, but too much time on-screen. There’s about 10,000 lame puns/innuendo based around the word ‘wetness’. The SFX is worse than before, and the bloodbath finale has absolutely no payoff – it’s just a series of vaguely connected CGI moments. Most annoyingly, for a 70 minute movie there’s around ten minutes of filler/establishing/scenery shots. Whereas Piranha 3D was kitsch and camp enough to counteract some of the shortcomings, this one is just terrible. Really, really terrible. I pity everyone involved because the only semi-smart and semi-funny part of Piranha 3DD is the title.

Score: 2/10

Steven Seagal was used as the baseline for 100%

Keith Lemon: The Film – I’ll have to start this by saying I absolutely love Celebrity Juice for what it is, and that Keith Lemon, as a TV character, is great. Having seen the horrific trailer, I was sitting in the brace position from the start, but it somehow manages to be even worse than it looks. Production values are Sub-TV, the script and story could have been written by teenagers, and miles of old rope is pulled out in the form of 10-year-old Bo Selecta! Characters, and Keith Lemon phrases from the past 4 years. (Bang tidy, Finger blast, Smash your back doors in, will you nosh me off, etc, etc…)

No amount of familiar catchphrases or riffs from the show, no amount of cameos, and not even the lovely Kelly Brook in her undies could stop this from sinking. Mostly disappointing, because Celebrity Juice is a funny show. It looks like Leigh Francis is only good at taking the piss out of celebrities, because when you give him a script and a narrative, he’s unwatchable.

Alternative Plan: Went to watch Shadow Dancers, but the generators at the cinema gave up, so ended up playing some 8-ball instead.