Revenge of the Nerds: two minutes in it was obvious that this film wasn’t going to be the barrel of laughs that it could have. The geeky laughing was about the only thing I found funny, and the rest of the film hasn’t aged well at all. It was probably good at the time, but is almost embarrassing now. The tags on this post tell more about the film than any paragraph could.
Score 4/10
Hana-Bi: a film of two halves really. First part sets up the backdrop for the second, but because all of the action and drama had happened at the start I was pretty restless after the hour mark. Long shots, minimal style, bare dialogue contrasting with the graphic violence and slapstick comedy moments make it a bit of a mixed bag. Very little happens, but the bodycount’s impressive! Overall, not as good as other similar film’s he’s done (Violent Cop / Sonatine) or starred in (Gonin), but worth watching if you like ‘Beat’ Takeshi Kitano.
Score: 6/10
Hitman: Not a bad attempt at a film, considering it’s based on a game! Doesn’t have the simplest of plots, which was stupid considering you’re not expecting to use your brain in a film like this. Had to laugh when the text on the screen informs you we’re in St Petersburg all the time – despite the fact it’s set there. Action is top-notch: gun fights ahoy, graphic assassinations and a 4-way sword-fight! If you can look past points like “why can’t the Russian police find a guy with a MASSIVE BARCODE TATTOOED ON HIS HEAD?!?!?” it’s a thoroughly watchable film. Girls won’t like it, but it’s definitely one for the guys.
Score: 7/10
Public Enemies: Overall, this was pretty disappointing. They must have spent the entire budget on the costumes and props, which were all great, but cut every corner on the actual film-making: because it’s shot in HD it looked like it was filmed on cheap home-cameras, ‘shaky cam’ was used far too often, audio mix was terrible (quiet dialogue / deafening tommy-guns) and the editing seemed very rushed. Because of this I never really got into the film much. The main casting’s fairly standard and well acted – J. Depp being quirky and funny guy, C. Bale being law upholder – but it was good to see Herc and Judge Phelan from The Wire showing face. Only problem with the cast was that there were so many characters, who all looked the same, it got a bit much. Not much else to say really, walked out of the cinema unimpressed.
Score: 6/10
Wrestlemaniac: Yet another Zone Horror film… when will I learn. As far as B-movies go this was OK. Featured the following ‘staple’ horror elements: crazy legend, generally low IQs, people insisting on walking about on their own, lame ‘jumpy’ bits, ridiculous nerds, unfathomably stupid ending as well as lesbians, tits, and pervy camera angles random Arnie Quote. Rey Mysterio’s dad was the main killer, weird. Looked and felt pretty professional compared to most low-budget horrors, but didn’t actually have that much to do with wrestling! Decent gore, but only a bodycount of six…
Score: 5/10
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (a.k.a. Strippers Vs Zombies): a b-movie on Zone Horror that looked like it had potential: was in fact utterly crap. Awful puns and acting, every zombie cliché in the book, and piss-poor effects… the blood looks like water dyed red! Clearly a platform for a bunch of wannabe porn stars, just hope they failed. Would probably be watchable if you were stoned or drunk… switched off after 1 hour. Hope my Zombie Strippers DVD w/ Jenna Jameson and Robert England isn’t as bad as this!!!
Score: 2/10
Seed: another Zone Horror B movie, so I was sceptical: turned to be alright. Biggest boost was that it was genuinely atmospheric and eerie. Some good gross-outs, believable violence and disturbing scenes. The main capture was so poorly lit that it was impossible to tell what was going on, and the first 60 mins is mostly backstory. Bit of a shock ending that isn’t exactly what you want (or expect) to see. Appears to have been voted down on the big sites because nobody likes Uwe Boll’s other films, but I’d give this a decent rating because it’s better than most of the shit in the horror / gore / video nasty baskets.
Score: 6/10
Tell No One: French thriller about an innocent guy caught up in a bunch of murders. At over 2 hours long I thought the film would drag a bit but as the story twists and turns it’s fairly edge-of-your-seat cinema that keeps you watching – the biggest problem was that, by the end, the twist-o-rama gets pretty confusing. Another minor downside is the presence of so many similar-looking women that it’s all a bit confusing in the middle of the film. The acting’s superb, given that there are no French heavyweights in the cast and the overall look and feel are very realistic. Ultimately, a very good piece of cinema… should go down well with anyone that likes a good film.
Score: 8/10
Crank: holy-shit… has pretty much won the “worst film I’ve seen all year” title already. It’s like someone polled the nuts and zoo readers asking the ‘100 things you’d most like to see in a film’, then tried to link them all together, but failed – epically. Someone obviously put ‘Latino Gangsters’ because our old pal Noel Gugliemi made another appearance as the ultimate typecast! More like watching someone play Grand Theft Auto than a film. Full of: bad product placement, terrible acting, mostly pointless scenes and rubbish stereotypes. I’d almost slipped into a coma by the end of it. Less substance than a low-budget porno… avoid like the plague.
Score: 0.1/10 (only because there’s 1 boob)
The Darjeeling Limited: (with Hotel Chevalier). The fact that there’s a pointless short film before the main feature shows how needlessly up-it’s own arse this one is. Not a big change from any of his previous features with the usual themes, style, casting and characters; so if you like other Wes Anderson films you should love this. The whole film is pretty quirky and contains loads of pretentious symbolism / imagery, as well as the occasional cheesy line. The three brothers play well off each other, and although they’re relatively safely cast it’s entertaining to watch their spiritual journey. The soundtrack dominated a lot of the film, and was clearly put in to make the it exponentially cooler. The decent strong story saved this one from being another Life Aquatic…
Score: 7/10
4 Months, 3 weeks and 2 days: didn’t even read the synopsis for this one (wish I had so it didn’t rock my face off!) but watched it because of the critical acclaim it’s generated. Pretty brutal – subtly and graphically in parts – and realistic drama that hits home pretty hard. The acting’s extraordinary and there’s a lot of long single-take shots that heighten the drama drama – similar to Michael Haneke films. More than anything, the film’s about the extremes of friendship. A must-see if you like your world cinema, but for others it’d be very much love/hate.
Score: 7/10
Red Sonia: not the type of film you’re going to sit down and properly analyse, so here’s my favourite things about it.
Overall I love how Arnie keeps appearing, and risking his life to save an incompetent ginger woman that hates all men!!! Would be brilliant after a few drinks. Utter cheese, but totally watchable.
Score: 6/10
Breaking the Waves: Set in Scotland c. 1970s, it tells the story of a local lass who marries a Norwegian oil worker and their life after an accident. My biggest issue was that it was too long: 2 hours of slow churning, a 30 min spike of insane drama and then back to the churn for another 20 mins. It’s not exactly uplifting, mainly because it covers topics like love / monogamy / religion / disability. It’s filmed using a shaky-cam, which can get quite annoying and the very last scene is 100% totally stupid. The biggest reason to watch this film is Emily Watson’s outstanding performance, first major role and she absolutely stole the show. The rest of the cast are also brilliant – which makes the story more believable and essentially keeps you watching. The soundtrack’s also pretty good. I love Lars Von Trier’s stuff, but this isn’t his strongest film. Overall, a good piece of film that’s well worth watching… if you can last to the end.
Score: 6.5/10
Finding Nemo: having recently read that this film made it in to Time Magazine’s “100 greatest films of all-time” list (!) and held the record of biggest-selling DVD of all time (!!) I figured it’d be worth checking out. The film is technically outstanding: looks amazing & vibrant, animation is great, the surround-sound track is among the best I’ve heard and the research in to the ocean and ocean life shines through. Lots of good jokes throughout for both adults and kids. However, it’s not a very original story, has about 30 minor characters that you want to know more about, manages to downplay a family massacre, and dozens of cultural references / homages / stereotypes. Overall: I wouldn’t have put this in the 100 greatest films of all time myself, but it is a great film, very enjoyable – even if it’s not quite on par with Toy Story.
Score: 8/10
I Am Legend: was quite skeptical about this but ended up thoroughly enjoying it. Will Smith did a pretty fine job of holding his own through the first hour of the film as the only character. A couple of gratuitous action scenes thrown in to keep the masses amused. Details on why some people are immune aren’t given, which pissed me off. Trying to squeeze in the Omega Man soon as a comparison, but this is definitely worth a watch.
Score: 7/10
Ghost Rider: just no. I always wonder why established actors like Cage agree to such shite, over substantial roles, surely he doesn’t need the cash!?!? The whole concept is crap, even by ‘comic adaptation’ standards and the only redeeming feature is Eva Mendez. The CGI is ok, but a flaming skeleton walking around pointing at people like Hulk Hogan will always look ridiculous. Barely watchable.
Score: 2/10
Charlie Wilson’s War: pretty solid political romp with top acting but the biggest selling-point for me was the script, which threw up loads of funny & witty one-liners as well as some comedy situations. Seymour-Hoffman steals the show, and the film should keep you amused and informed, although the light-hearted mood makes it difficult to gauge how much of it is accurate.
Score: 7/10
Princess (2006): mostly animation, but spliced with grainy real video. A Danish film about one man’s bad-blood with the porn industry. Weird story, weird animation and some royally fucked-up subject matter… Worth a look for those that like their films ‘different’, but slow pace to begin with may put people off.
Score: 6/10
Ratatoulie: not as good as other pixar offerings and a pretty textbook story: misunderstood animal / robot has to change attitudes and be accepted for one life passion – succeeds. Entertaining, but more for the kids than films like Toy Story
Score: 6/10
Juno: 3rd/4th time round, but still very enjoyable. Really like the quirky indie feel, despite the relatively established cast and the director shoving his ‘cooler-than-you’ influences in all over the place. Great story, although it totally glorifies teen pregnancy to the maxxx!
Score: 8/10
Vanishing Point: drug-fuelled car delivery across America in an ol’ Ford, but unless you love films where it’s just about cars and chases… you probably won’t take much from this. If you like funky soul music from the early 70’s it would make the film even better! Hasn’t really dated well (‘nam, hippies and homophobia) and the plot’s very thin, as are the characters and dialogue. Some OK car stunts redeem it, but it’ll always be just a ‘cult’ film.
Score: 4/10
Street Kings: a crime-drama from some of the guys that brought us the crime-dramas Training Day, Harsh Times & S.W.A.T – you kind of know what you’re getting! Keanu Reeves may as well have been a bit of timber with a face drawn on (again) but the rest of the cast were pretty good – Forrest Whittaker in particular. The story twists and turns along at a good pace, and keeps you thoroughly entertained throughout. Also, couldn’t feature a Latino gang without Noel Gugliemi: possibly the most obvious typecast ever! Exceeded my expectations…
Score: 8/10
The bucket list: two terminal cancer patients try and have fun with their remaining time on earth… sound cheery? It’s actually quite a good film. Seeing two heavyweight actors (Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman) play off each other is something else, but why oh why is Freeman always cast as an omniscient black man!?!? He’s the new ultimate typecast. Pretty daft story, but a good pick-me-up with some amazing scenery although it’s quite a slow-burner.
Score: 6.5/10
Forgetting Sarah Marshal: utter gash – although it’s the main guy who’s naked way more than is forgivable! Predictable, rubbish and not really funny – even the cast from better films like Superbad / Tropic Thunder etc couldn’t save this. Switched off after 20 minutes.
Score: 1/10 (only because there’s some tits)
3:10 to Yuma: arguably two of our generation’s finest actors (Bale / Crowe) play a law-abiding rancher and a notorious outlaw respectively. Initially, I thought they’d work better cast the other way but was absolutely blown away by both performances. The story moves along brilliantly and from start to finish the film is full of action, drama and brilliant characters – both main and the supporting cast. Unfortunately, the ending’s a wee bit far-fetched, but adds even more depth to one of the main roles. A must-see film!
Score: 9/10
Once: lo-fi film touted as a ‘love story musical’ done on the cheap centered around an Irish busker and a Czech immigrant. The artsy-fartsy crowd will love this film although personally I thought it was average, looks cheap (almost like a documentary) and the tunes were pretty rubbish & whiney. A few good nuggets of humour was the only thing that stopped me from turning this off.
Score:4/10
Maniac Nurses Find Ecstacy: only really watched this because of the ace title and it was worse than anything I ever imagined could pass as a film, even by Troma and ZoneHorror standards!!!! Tried to be like a Russ Meyer film… and failed. Tried to be a bit of a kinky film (nazis, whips, girl fighting etc)… and failed. Tried to have a bit of gore… and failed. Was supposed to be a hospital full of nymphs… AND FAILED!!!. Having seen more than my fair share of b-movies I’m kind of tolerant to them but this was one of the worst film I’ve ever seen!
Score: 1/10
American Pie 2: I can sum it up in one word, nostalgia! Pretty funny and enjoyable film that most people can relate to and still holds itself against most of the pish being released these days – made even better by the gratuitous spattering of über-hot nude babes. The soundtrack is absolutely top-notch, although the CD only has about 1/3 the total songs from the film. Unfortunately the later installments of the franchise are more than gash!
Score: 7/10
Wasabi: 2001 French-Japanese flick by Luc Besson that didn’t really know what kind of film it wanted to be. Touted as an action film, but there weren’t any proper fights ’til over an hour in, and what little action there was looked ridiculous (like a surreal manga adaptation). Was supposed to be a cop film, but was more like a parody of the naked gun, which is already a parody. The story was very thin and the acting’s pretty weird as the cast all play horrible stereotypes. On the other hand it looks pretty good. Definitely a case of style over substance (the default audio track is dubbed English!) but worth a look if you like Besson’s stuff. Would put it in the same category as the original Taxi or a crap re-make of Black Rain!!!
Score: 6/10
Lives of others: retrospectively reviewing this – I caught this in the Belmont in ’07 and was totally surprised. Only negative point was that I thought it was a bit long – in saying this, to get the characters deep and keep the plot detailed you couldn’t really cut much out. Great shame that the lead detective (main character) Ulrich Mühe died not long after the films scooped all the awards… brilliant swansong for him!
Score: 8/10
Paragraph Film Reviews 