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01 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita OraFifty Shades of Grey: when a fumbling Plain Jane student interviews a perverted and tormented young millionaire both of their lives are oh so romantically changed forever. Firstly; this is the least sexy film you’ll ever see about kinky sex, mostly due to the fact that everything else about it is a total turn off. The dialogue is atrocious; the wannabe racy/saucy lines don’t even come close to innuendo, although with the source material it didn’t really stand a chance. Secondly, the colouring is laughably basic: everything is depressingly washed out and grey (we get it!) except for sexy red things like mood lighting, cars, and arse-smacking paddles. The films is unashamedly uninterested in doing anything even remotely interesting with any of the characters, plot points or even the technical aspects. You want a better love story? Watch Twilight. You want to see some kinky bondage? Browse the internets. You want to see a proper film about this stuff? Watch ‘The Secretary‘, which is better than this in literally every way. As it was obviously going to be a number one smash, Fifty Shades of Grey never had to try, so it didn’t. A ham-fisted, disappointingly fist-free softcore movie with boringly-acted one-dimensional characters on a non-story that takes forever to go anywhere.

Score: 0.5/10

02 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora,

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Borat: mockumentary following a Kazakhstan TV personality who’s sent to learn aspects of American culture to benefit his country, major hilarity ensues. After about 25 minutes I was thinking “Holy crap, this film’s heading for a score of 9!” however it drops the ball soon after and doesn’t really get going again. It was the first film I’d seen in a cinema where almost everyone laughed continuously for the entire duration – not just a few funnies or gross moments. On re-watching it at home it’s not quite as effective, but still very funny. Most gags are at someone’s expense and / or gross-outs – with a particularly disgusting and pointless naked fight at one point. Because there’s actors and some of the scenes were supposedly staged it’s hard not to dissect each scene, but doing so will ruin the enjoyment for you. The rough documentary style means that the majority of what made the final cut is funny, but doesn’t really have much flow or continuity. Is it the funniest film of the 2000s? Possibly: it’s definitely up there with Anchorman, Superbad, and Team America. Best enjoyed in a big group.

Score: 7/10