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01 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita OraFifty Shades of Grey: when a fumbling Plain Jane student interviews a perverted and tormented young millionaire both of their lives are oh so romantically changed forever. Firstly; this is the least sexy film you’ll ever see about kinky sex, mostly due to the fact that everything else about it is a total turn off. The dialogue is atrocious; the wannabe racy/saucy lines don’t even come close to innuendo, although with the source material it didn’t really stand a chance. Secondly, the colouring is laughably basic: everything is depressingly washed out and grey (we get it!) except for sexy red things like mood lighting, cars, and arse-smacking paddles. The films is unashamedly uninterested in doing anything even remotely interesting with any of the characters, plot points or even the technical aspects. You want a better love story? Watch Twilight. You want to see some kinky bondage? Browse the internets. You want to see a proper film about this stuff? Watch ‘The Secretary‘, which is better than this in literally every way. As it was obviously going to be a number one smash, Fifty Shades of Grey never had to try, so it didn’t. A ham-fisted, disappointingly fist-free softcore movie with boringly-acted one-dimensional characters on a non-story that takes forever to go anywhere.

Score: 0.5/10

02 Fifty Shades of Grey Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora,

The King’s Speech: after becoming King by default George VI must overcome a vicious stammer and his fear of public speaking. I was really looking forward to writing up an “It’s not perfect” review, but read Colin’s one at (Pick ‘n’ Mix Flix) covers all my points and reads better too – I feel redundant! Anyway, here goes…  I can’t believe all the hype is focused on Firth when Rush absolutely blows him – and everyone else – out the water; his performance is criminally overlooked and under-publicised. Not to take anything away from Colin however, as he was still really good. Guy Pearce on the other hand easily walks away with worst actor in this picture. For such a grand, big film it seemed to lack a cinematic feel, landing in big budget TV territory for me (Hooper is a TV director after all). It was surprisingly funny given the somewhat mundane subject matter too. My biggest gripe was that this is 100% unashamedly Oscar bait, what with someone overcoming an affliction, an unlikely friendship, fly on the wall Royalty insight, and being an Historic piece… It’s a good film, but everything is way too safe and it plays to the crowd a little bit too much.

Score: 7/10