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Albino Farm: A diverse group of ridiculously old and full-breasted ‘students’ go on the hunt for the redneck legend of Albino Farm. All of a sudden they find themselves with no signal, a burst tyre, an ‘insane’ local man, the world’s most gratuitous boob shot and a shed-load of dumb decisions – sound familiar? The outdoor night scenes are so bad you have no idea what’s happening and it takes an hour for the first proper bit of action. I had slightly higher hopes for this one because it ‘Starred’ Chris Jericho, but alas he (and the other minor celebs in this flick) clearly just owes someone a favour. All the budget seemed to have been spent on the moderately fancy opening credits, but after that the film was totally shoddy. Don’t bother with this one even if you love the WWE or Y2J. Inbred Mess.

Score: 2.5/10

JCVD

October 22, 2009

JCVD: shows two perspectives of a post office robbery that Van Damme’s involved in… but this isn’t like any other film he’s done. He basically plays himself, in real life. To keep it realistic there’s not much action or explosives outside the opening scene – which is a self-referencing parody – and the DVD box. It’s pretty much an anti ‘Van Damme’ film; foreign language, with subtitles and genuinely clever & complex subject matter. To confuse us further it comments on his life, fame, the media, drug use, his filmography, similar actors and the movie business in general. Above this, Van Damme puts on a sensational performance, peaking with a 6-minute long single-cut soliloquy with his heart on his sleeve – which you absolutely do not expect. Above that it’s shot and executed brilliantly, with stylish visuals and editing. People that don’t ‘get it’ will think it’s just a crap action film, which is no doubt the reason it went straight to DVD. It’s self-indulgent, but it totally blew me away is it was less than 1% what I expected. Damme good viewing!! (Sorry)

Score: 7.5/10

Doberman

October 21, 2009

Doberman: follows cops, robbers, bent cops and transvestites entangled in a feud & bank robbery – although there’s only a few minutes spent in the bank. The film has a strange, over-exposed and grainy, look but remains slick and stylish throughout. There’s a ton of hyper violence culminating in the world’s worst facepalm, but it’s all pretty surreal as it’s based on a pulp comic. The script’s just as brutal and not very PC, mainly due to the transvestite / gay / fetish characters and general eccentric stereotypes. Also, what is it with directors treating Monica Belluci so roughly? Unfortunately, it lacks the depth, substance and story of similarly styled Besson / Tarantino films. Definitely a visual treat, but it’s a bit of a no-brainer and stays in-your-face from the very first frame. Style over substance.

Score: 6/10

My Wrongs #8245-8249 & 117

October 21, 2009

My Wrongs #8245-8249 & 117: Chris Morris’ BAFTA winning short (12 mins) about a mentally ill man’s failed attempt to look after his friend’s Doberman: adapted from a Blue Jam radio sketch. Totally surreal with a talking dog, duck rats and babies – not for everyone. There’s a lot of extras on the DVD disc and on the actual case itself. Must see for Morris fans, although don’t pay over the odds for it.

Verdict: Watch

Zombieland

October 19, 2009

Zombieland: the latest ‘Zom-Com’ pushing the genre further into the mainstream, follows a small band of survivors two months after a zombie outbreak. There’s thirty-odd ‘rules to survival’ although you only hear about six, which is a bit pants. The four humans carry the film well, and the chemistry between them is believable; Eisenberg plays a Michael Cera typecast and Woody Harrelson nails one of the coolest characters in recent cinema history. It does go some longish spells without zombies and there aren’t that many in general, but the script and humour keep things rolling despite the story never really going forward. There’s some great and graphic gore throughout and the slow-mo blood-drenched credits are brilliant. The 15 minute cameo spent massaging BM’s ego was nothing more than filler. It’s really enjoyable and will have finished before you know it. Top drawer zombie/road movie.

Score: 7.5/10

(500) Days of Summer

October 16, 2009

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(500) Days of Summer: follows a ‘complex’ relationship from the guys point of view. Everything about this was so indisputably ‘cool’ and left field – the characters, their dress sense, jobs, music tastes, soundtrack, visuals – that it wore thin very rapidly, pulling the film from quirky to cliched. Because the story’s not told chronologically, most of the good/funny bits are covered early, making the film peter out towards the end. The characters were all quite hollow, which led to some dubious acting; although it worked for Brick’s Noir style, Levitt was pulling some strange faces at times. It’s technically sound, very watchable and had some simple but effective scenes (expectations vs reality shot at the party). There’s a few funnies, although most are old jokes. And what sort of grown up takes genuine life advice from their pre-pubescent sister?! It’s a decent film about an everyday story that tries painfully hard to be much more than that. Too cool for school.

Score: 6.5/10

Cloverfield

October 13, 2009

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Cloverfield: a digital tape retrieved in Manhattan after a monster attack, played back in it’s entirety; cue mish-mash of relevant footage and soppy backstory. Because it’s all in first-person it throws you right into the action. Only fault I had was that it’s pretty hard work on the eyes, given that the camera’s almost always shaking but the immense 5.1 audio track makes up for this, flexing all main speakers and giving the bass a good workout. The film’s also good at playing on all the big fears: darkness, silence, gore, unknown creatures, terrorism, viruses etc. The special effects – both NY in tatters and the monster itself – are also great, and believable enough in most parts. The performances are alright despite the unknown cast – shaky cam may have masked some of the guff! Overall, this exceeded my expectations, and it could easily compete for the title of ‘best monster movie’ ever. Solid creature feature!

Score: 8/10

The Gingerdead Man

October 12, 2009

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Gingerdead Man: a bunch of failures stay in a bakery, despite everyone getting mauled by a rabid gingerbread man. Really bad acting, even worse ‘funnies’. After 30mins of boring backstory I started skipping to the gore. The production was so bad I thought it was filmed in the 80’s (not 2005) and the music was terrible. Rubbish gore, absolutely no attempt at continuity, the most obvious and generic plot ever. Doesn’t deserve to be classed as a comedy or horror, let alone both. It was only about 55 mins long! When did Gary Busey decide to do films this bad? They could have made so much more out of this but it was totally beyond shit. What’s worse is that there’s been two sequels… seriously?! Totally undercooked rubbish.

Score: 2/10

Revolutionary Road

October 12, 2009

Revolutionary Road: obligatory boyfriend viewing – follows a middle-class couple who hate suburbia… living in suburbia. It’s set in the 1950s, a time where men wore braces and top hats, ‘computers’ were exciting, and couples went to social dances with awesome swing music. DiCaprio and Winslet nail the acting, although you really don’t know whether Kate is supposed to be insane or her acting’s lapsing – there’s a few Titanic references: planned ocean voyage and steamy car sex. It’s an OK film but feels like it could be following any ol’ couple in suburbia and although it’s well-made there’s nothing really special on offer, with Mendes’ main technique being the slow zoom, which is totally overused. If you like harrowing melodramas the book would probably be a better bet as nothing about this film really grabs you.

Score: 5.5/10

Bullit

October 7, 2009

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Bullit: Steve McQueen plays the straightest cop on earth, desperate to get the job done no matter how many superiors he pisses off. The film’s most notorious part, and only real action scene, is the awesome car chase in which a Ford Mustang and Dodge Charger take a proper beat down as they tear through the steep streets of San Francisco. The big let down was that there wasn’t much more action, and the film moves along at a slow-ish speed, especially the first 40 minutes. The Mustang gets a lot of good shots, so Ford certainly got their money’s worth. Although it’s famous for the chase scene, there’s frankly not that much else on offer, other than a staple story and a lot of close ups of a solemn and confused McQueen. Middle of the road cop film.

Score: 6/10

Ryan

October 7, 2009

1 Comment

Ryan: Chris Landreth’s short (14 minutes) on Ryan Larkin: a ground-breaking Canadian animator. Most of this GCI other than the original Larkin drawings that captured the movement of human bodies (Walking and Street Musique). The surroundings are good and the characters are impressive & very original. It’s a great short film, that tells an emotional story in a light-hearted but effective way.

Verdict: Watch

Gran Torino

October 6, 2009

Gran Torino: Clint Eastwood’s acting swan song, where he cast himself as a lonely raging Polish bigot that spoke like the new batman and spent the whole film pointing guns and swearing at ethnics. He was happy to put differences aside for some beer though! The heavy handed racism makes the film hard to watch at times, and feels pretty excessive – not unlike Crash. The more times you see a frail pensioner stand off against gangs the less realistic the film felt. It’s great to see his relationship grow with his new friends but it takes a long time to kick in and the last scene, although epic, is pretty contrived – the film’s essentially an urban / modern Western. It’s a simple and powerful story, but it is full of stock characters and trundles along at a snail’s pace. His acting’s spot on, but overall the film’s missing some depth. As a comparison, it doesn’t have much on Mystic River.

Score 6/10

In Absentia / The Comb

October 6, 2009

In Absentia: Quay Brothers “avant-grade” short (20 mins). The audio’s terrible, just a ringing din, and the visuals aren’t much better, particularly all the weird close-ups. Either arthouse, a parody of arthouse or totally shit – honestly couldn’t tell, maybe it’s all three. Close to the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t watch this unless you hate yourself. Not enjoyable.

Verdict: Ignore

The Comb: Quay Brothers short (18 mins) bizarre stop-motion animation that’s supposed to be a girl’s dream. There’s no real story, but it looks pretty OK, kind of like the nightmare before christmas, but much stranger. I’d only really check this out if you like stop motion animation. Who funds these guys?

Verdict: Ignore

Pandorum

October 4, 2009

2 Comments

Pandorum: pseudo-psychological space thriller about humans re-populating an earth-like planet. It’s essentially half Alien and half Sunshine. The shaky-cam turns all of the promising action scenes into a blurry mess, and all the ‘scary’ moments were just really cheap, and loud, jumps. A lot of the events are a bit convenient, but the technology’s believable and there’s some space-cleavage thrown in for the lads. The ending felt a bit rushed, rubbish and pretty predictable. Middle of the road space flick that offers up nothing new.

Score: 5/10

Diary of the Dead

October 2, 2009

Diary of the Dead: maybe the first mainstream FPS horror? (It’s pre Cloverfield) Mostly filmed on 2 hand-held cameras, which surprisingly lures you right in to the action and gets the blood pumping. The atmosphere created is great, but does rely on some cheap jumps and music. It’s all a bit ‘horror 2.0’, frequently citing the ‘web, hits, bloggers, hackers, kids and how they can beat the mainstream in an emergency, which was a bit cringey. Also states people behind the camera (aimed at the media) have no limits & can’t stop filming, no matter how bad the scene in front of them gets. It’s self-referencing, with old-school broadcasts tying it in with the original film, while making a nod to resident evil (the game) as well as highlighting zombie / b-movie clichés. Above this it features the coolest deaf Aumish guy in the history of cinema! All-in it’s actually quite clever, in trying something new and modernising the franchise. It was generally poorly received so most people must be expecting a generic rehash. Much better than Land.

Score: 7/10

My Dad Is 100 Years Old

October 2, 2009

My Dad is 100 years old: short film (16 mins) about Isabella Rossellini ‘bigging up’ her dad and letting us all know how misunderstood his ‘genius’ work was, and how it’s being forgotten. She explicitly states that he was undoubtedly better than Chaplin, Felini,and Hitchcock: who’s work was ‘cinema masturbation’… very bold. It does rely on the thick cinema heritage of her parents – Ingrid Bergman and her dad. Shame she looks like Benico Del Toro, and chose to represent her dad as a fat, talking stomach. Car crash of a tribute.

Verdict: Ignore!

The Gumball Rally

October 1, 2009