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Together

November 17, 2009
Film Reviews
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Together: set back in 1975, it documents the make ups and break ups of a crowded hippy commune in Stockholm – doesn’t sound great but this is one of the best drama films out there, easily. Other than a few zooms there are no fancy tricks to this film, leaving everything to come from the characters; vegetarians, homosexuals, hippies, confused teenagers and alcoholics under one roof – it’s basically a scrip-writer’s wet dream. There are no main roles, just an ensemble of credible characters that you can relate to – from the uneasy teen to the textbook socialist – which makes the story very absorbing. There’s some nice subtle and awkward comedy hidden there too. It may be a tad slow for some but has one of the best endings that I can remember. All in, it’s a simple feel good tale about the ups and downs of living with people. This is was only Moodysson’s 2nd film, and between this, Fucking Amal and Lilja-4-ever he definitely started his career with a bang. We’re better together.

Score: 8/10

Foxy Brown

November 17, 2009
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Foxy Brown: Pam Grier is out to avenge her junkie-loser brother and snitch boyfriend by sticking it to the man, big time. Everything from the soul / funk soundtrack to the gritty view of ‘real life’ is aimed at adolescent black guys, so for a honky to review this in one paragraph, probably won’t do it much justice. Naturally everyone evil, or with any power, is a white bigot: although the casting department went a step too far by hiring the most upper class ‘gangsters’ I’ve ever seen. The opening credits are like a cheap James Bond rip off and the action in the film’s admirable, but not quite there. Despite all the fist-clenching bro solidarity, melodramatic scenes and social issues / stereotypes raised it’s an OK action-flick, made easier to watch courtesy of Grier’s one-of-a-kind figure being flaunted throughout. Girl Power / Black Power!

Score: 5/10

They Live

November 10, 2009
Film Reviews
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They Live: Everyone’s favourite Canadian-American pseudo-Scot “Rowdy” Roddy Piper uncovers a conspiracy bigger than his 1980s Hair-do. The idea’s great but everything else seems to have been lost during film-making. The script is forgettable, barring one “bubblegum” line, and the acting & action are underneath below-par. The look, feel and themes aren’t dissimilar to a 1950s anti-Soviet or propaganda film, with a barrage of social commentary and messages being forced upon the viewer. The soundtrack’s atmospheric, but only has one song! There’s an infamous five-minute fight scene that feels so ridiculously out of place, and it takes about 40 minutes for anything substantial to occur. After Carpenter’s string of original and amazing sci-fi / horror films this seems like a major let down and is – to all intents and purposes – a proper “B” movie. Corny socio-political ‘thriller’ with too many messages.

Score: 3/10

 

Les Clefs De Bagnole

November 10, 2009
Film Reviews
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Les Clefs De Bagnole: experimental film about making a film of a guy looking everywhere for his car keys. Even though almost nobody has heard of this feature, nearly every famous French actor you know shows up at some point. The ending’s revealed in the first two minutes, however the fast pace of their epic adventure mean you don’t really care. It brings up strange movie-related observations that viewers often miss: over-use of extras, continuity, presumptions, time lapses – even when the characters eat. It’s not an easy watch as they go from one crazy idea to the next, and the random segments of meta-film, interviews with the public, clay-mation, animation and sound effects don’t help. On the upside, this little gem looks great, has a witty script and is laden with gags – although they don’t all hit the mark. Most critics totally slated this, which is pretty harsh as it’s nowhere near as bad as they make out. The tagline on all promo material was “Don’t watch this, it’s crap” which shows how seriously it’s supposed to be taken. Experimental and undeniably French under-rated comedy that should keep you laughing, or at least smiling.

Rating: 6/10

Albino Farm

October 23, 2009
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Albino Farm: A diverse group of ridiculously old and full-breasted ‘students’ go on the hunt for the redneck legend of Albino Farm. All of a sudden they find themselves with no signal, a burst tyre, an ‘insane’ local man, the world’s most gratuitous boob shot and a shed-load of dumb decisions – sound familiar? The outdoor night scenes are so bad you have no idea what’s happening and it takes an hour for the first proper bit of action. I had slightly higher hopes for this one because it ‘Starred’ Chris Jericho, but alas he (and the other minor celebs in this flick) clearly just owes someone a favour. All the budget seemed to have been spent on the moderately fancy opening credits, but after that the film was totally shoddy. Don’t bother with this one even if you love the WWE or Y2J. Inbred Mess.

Score: 2.5/10

Doberman

October 21, 2009
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Doberman: follows cops, robbers, bent cops and transvestites entangled in a feud & bank robbery – although there’s only a few minutes spent in the bank. The film has a strange, over-exposed and grainy, look but remains slick and stylish throughout. There’s a ton of hyper violence culminating in the world’s worst facepalm, but it’s all pretty surreal as it’s based on a pulp comic. The script’s just as brutal and not very PC, mainly due to the transvestite / gay / fetish characters and general eccentric stereotypes. Also, what is it with directors treating Monica Belluci so roughly? Unfortunately, it lacks the depth, substance and story of similarly styled Besson / Tarantino films. Definitely a visual treat, but it’s a bit of a no-brainer and stays in-your-face from the very first frame. Style over substance.

Score: 6/10

Diary of the Dead

October 2, 2009
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Diary of the Dead: maybe the first mainstream FPS horror? (It’s pre Cloverfield) Mostly filmed on 2 hand-held cameras, which surprisingly lures you right in to the action and gets the blood pumping. The atmosphere created is great, but does rely on some cheap jumps and music. It’s all a bit ‘horror 2.0’, frequently citing the ‘web, hits, bloggers, hackers, kids and how they can beat the mainstream in an emergency, which was a bit cringey. Also states people behind the camera (aimed at the media) have no limits & can’t stop filming, no matter how bad the scene in front of them gets. It’s self-referencing, with old-school broadcasts tying it in with the original film, while making a nod to resident evil (the game) as well as highlighting zombie / b-movie clichés. Above this it features the coolest deaf Aumish guy in the history of cinema! All-in it’s actually quite clever, in trying something new and modernising the franchise. It was generally poorly received so most people must be expecting a generic rehash. Much better than Land.

Score: 7/10

The Gumball Rally

October 1, 2009
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The Gumball Rally: a bunch of rich and reckless motor enthusiasts race coast to coast, dodging the law and each other. The first thing I noticed about this was Gary Busey’s ridiculous face, even when he was a pup back in 1976. There’s some absolutely brilliant driving throughout – although it gets a bit ‘Whacky Races’ at times, with cars ploughing off the road and knocking everything over in hilarious fashion. An insane biker and a rabid bunch of Hell’s Angels are thrown into the mix; and given some insane stunts. The night-time scenes are sketchy and the bizarre ragtime / penny arcade soundtrack adds to the comedy. It’s essentially a classic American movie: men living the dream with their fast cars, loose women, cowboy hats, bags of cash and middle fingers up to the law – basically living the dream, man. Watchable and fun with some cracking race set-pieces. Carry On Racing!

Score: 6/10

Hallam Foe

September 28, 2009
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Hallam Foe: psychological profile of a teenage voyeur two years after his mum suspiciously killed herself. Bell plays a believable rogue nutter, and the rest of the cast aren’t that bad at all. There’s no doubting that this tried to be a totally ‘Scottish’ film, especially given all the shady characters and coarse dialogue. The story however is far too convenient, unrealistic, randy and plain old weird. In doing this, the film ends up being a fiction piece, as opposed to believable, which ruins it a bit. It’s not garbage, but certainly isn’t great. The main problem I have with ‘Scottish films’ (this, Shallow grave, Trainspotting, Red Road, Sweet Sixteen…) is that they almost always present all Scots as violent/murderous raging alcoholics that will pump anything. Overall, it’s interesting, but don’t go out of your way to get this.

Score: 5/10

The Bank Job

September 25, 2009
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The Bank Job: although the actual Bank job is finished within the hour, after that everything goes ‘Pete Tong’ and the 20-odd main, and shallow, characters all come together in a poor Lock-Stock fashion. It’s also the classic Hollywood version of Britain, where every man’s a wheelin’ & dealin’ geezer and everyone , including the royal family, are sex’d up to the maxxx – tits are pretty much the first thing you see. Jason Statham, as always, is grittier than a pocked of sand, but not superhuman for a change. Didn’t once feeling anything for any of the characters, but neither did the cast as they threw a party at the end; despite 1/2 of their crew getting killed! There’s also a cracking Ronnie Barker look-a-like. It’s a watchable stereotypical vapid Brit-flick but really only stuck it out because it’s all based on real rumours.

Score: 4/10

The Take

September 10, 2009
TV
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The Take: based on a Martina Cole novel, this was a 4 part mini-series following the two Gangsters as they rise through the London criminal underworld. From the outset (Kassabian theme song, stock gangster names, and violence accompanied by lame gags) you know it’s not going to be high-brow entertainment. It’s full of over-acting, terrible cockney accents and generic geezers that you’d associate with Danny Dyer / Guy Ritchie films. It started in the early 1980s and ended mid-90’s, leapfrogging months or years at a time, sometimes with little indication. Despite this it was shot well, the original music was great, had moments of drama and although it was fairly predictable, the story does keep you watching. The settings and props were also spot-on. They tried to make it smarter as smart as they could, but it still turned out to be a middle-of-the-road, sensationalised crime tale.

Score: 5/10

The Wire

August 27, 2009
TV
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The Wire: summing this up in a paragraph is criminal, but I’ll give it a go. Written as, and plays out like, a rewarding volume of books. Most recurring characters are fully developed, believable, flawed, yet admirable in one way or another – watching their individual journeys over the seasons is brilliant. It peaks in Seasons 2 & 3, but don’t write off 1, 4 and 5 because they are still well above par! Upon finishing the last season you’ll literally feel a large void in your life. Having watched it twice round it’s the only show I’ve seen where things mentioned in Season 1 aren’t significant ’til further down the line – as late as season 5. If anything, it’s more rewarding on the 2nd viewing. Because you have to pay attention, it’s not for absolutely everyone, and it may take a few episodes to get you hooked, but is definitely one of the most rewarding and enjoyable things you’ll have the privilege of watching. It’s realistic, the acting’s great, storylines are epic, technically sound and the police methods are so real that actual gangsters watch the Wire to learn surveillance techniques. If you haven’t seen this yet, do yourself a favour and pick it up. I know for a fact that this will become known as one of the greatest TV shows ever made.

Score: 9.5/10

Zombie Town

August 25, 2009
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Zombie Town: staple zombie-flick from 2007 where zombies and bodysnatchers-esque slugs set their sights on an isolated redneck American town – a gorey mess ensues and the B-movie genre lives on! Blood, check. Gore, check. Brains, Check. Pseudo-scientist, Check. Random boobs, check. Zombie lovers will have seen this kind of film a dozen times now and it’s not the best example. Not really worth watching, so spare yourself the trauma unless you’re hell-bent on seeing every zombie film ever made… or really need some party fodder.

Score: 2/10

Gomorra

August 24, 2009
Film Reviews
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Gomorra: Italian crime film that half follows a young chav, tailor, ‘businessman’, two youths and mid-level gangster – who are all vaguely linked by “the war” (between rival wannabe mafioso gangs). Sounded good, and the trailer made it look like an epic, but it wasn’t the case. Because all the main characters share the screen you never have enough time to connect to them, which makes you feel nothing but indifference. I literally spent the latter half of the film contemplating whether or not to turn it off, and trying to figure when it would all come together – which it never really did. The soundtrack’s crammed with terrible Euro Dance & Pop. This film would have been better if I i) had Italian heritage, ii) was interested in Italian life, iii) wanted to know how not to be a gangster or run a crime ring. Totally underwhelming.

Score: 3/10

Inglorious Bastards

August 18, 2009
Film Reviews
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Inglorious Bastards: original ‘B-movie’ version of the new Tarantino release. First big shock was how good the quality of everything was – other than the script! It didn’t feel much like a B-movie, more like the epic war films you’d see on TV in the afternoon. Film quality, locations, action shots and sets were all well above par. It’s been tagged as an ‘exploitation’ film, but it’s really just trashy and naff, with some risqué scenes involving black soldiers, Nazis and gratuitous unrelated boobs. The first hour of the film is a bit disjointed, but the train plot keeps everything sane. You’ve got to love how everyone jumps out of cars / windows / bunkers when they get shot – one guy’s body ascends over 10 feet off the screen! It’s an alright film, but not nearly as gnarly or action-packed as you’d expect (due to a 15 certificate)

Score: 6/10

Haggard

August 17, 2009
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Haggard: Bam Margera and his Jackass / CKY pals make a feature length – sounds stupid? It is, but it’s actually a pretty good effort. Above the stupidity, there’s actually lots of good laughs, gross-outs and funny set-pieces. There’s also a load of skate-superstar cameos throughout the film.  The 5.1 mix is unusually heavy on the rear speakers, so all dialogue – loud and soft – is crystal clear, but feels unbalanced. Loads of lame pseudo-music/skate videos to flesh out the running time, which is unnecessary because the film loses it’s way in the last 20 mins. It’s also more watchable than the original CKY videos. It may not go down as a comedy great, but don’t dismiss it on the grounds of it being attached to Jackass because it’s surprisingly good.

Score: 7/10

Paris Lockdown

August 16, 2009
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Paris Lockdown / Truands: an underworld crime film that half follows the ups and downs of two hitmen, as well as a myriad major and minor gang characters. It ticks all the boxes of a gangster type film; money, guns, cars, drugs, wimin’, feuds, violence and so forth. Despite this, the film never really gets going and because there are so many criminals and dealers in the story that you don’t get to know anyone well enough to want them to come out on top. The one thing I learn from this is that in Paris, money talks and nobody gives a shit about anything else! While it’s a good, watchable film, it’s definitely one for the boys – but if you’re wanting a proper continental ‘Goodfellas’ check out Romanzo Criminale instead.

Score: 6/10

Morgana

August 14, 2009
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Morgana: ditsy redneck girl gets mixed up with the wrong crowd in this “voluptuous vampire action film”. This has bad sound, bad music, a bad cast, bad acting, bad stereotypes, bad accents, bad 80s dancing and a very bad description. It’s basically a soft-porno that’s been left in the horror section. They must have spent the entire budget on strippers because there’s tits and slow-motion shagging all over the shop – and even that doesn’t do much for this one.  It’s beyond me how guff film ideas like these get funding in the first place. After a bit of research the film’s actually called ‘Blonde Heaven’… Morgana’s a confusing title because it’s never said in the film!?!? Only just better than Crank, but still never worth watching, ever.

Score: 1/10

Eastern Promises

July 28, 2009
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Eastern Promises: the fact that an ‘everywoman’ nurse and her plain old family are part of the main cast I thought this film was going to be a at least a bit realistic… but when things like the sci-fi violence hits the screen it’s comically out-of-place. At least there’s a shower scene you’ll never forget. Also, why cast French, American, German and British actors to play Eastern Europeans? Vincent Cassel… the most quintessential french bit-part actor… a Russian?!?! Overall, I was pretty disappointed that the guy who brought us sci-fi classics like Videodrome, the Scanners, Dead Zone has ended up going down the road of mundane Steven King type ‘thrillers’. Just couldn’t connect with any of the ridiculous characters or take it seriously.

Score: 3/10

Death Racers

July 27, 2009
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Death Racers: atrocious Zone Horror B-movie starring the Insane Clown Posse and old-time wrestler Raven. It’s obviously been done on the mega cheap as the overall quality, editing, CGI, and gore all look pretty rushed. The music is overwhelming (and overwhelmingly shit). In the movie’s defence, it’s a truer to the original ‘Death Race 3000’ than the Jason Statham re-make, and has a few funny bits (team Vaginamyte, “DEATH RACE!!!” theme tune etc) Overall, this would make a good drinking game, but not worth watching for any other reason.

Score: 2/10

Revenge of the Nerds

July 14, 2009
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Revenge of the Nerds: two minutes in it was obvious that this film wasn’t going to be the barrel of laughs that it could have. The geeky laughing was about the only thing I found funny, and the rest of the film hasn’t aged well at all. It was probably good at the time, but is almost embarrassing now. The tags on this post tell more about the film than any paragraph could.

Score 4/10

Wrestlemaniac

July 13, 2009
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Wrestlemaniac: Yet another Zone Horror film… when will I learn. As far as B-movies go this was OK. Featured the following ‘staple’ horror elements: crazy legend, generally low IQs, people insisting on walking about on their own, lame ‘jumpy’ bits, ridiculous nerds, unfathomably stupid ending as well as lesbians, tits, and pervy camera angles random Arnie Quote. Rey Mysterio’s dad was the main killer, weird. Looked and felt pretty professional compared to most low-budget horrors, but didn’t actually have that much to do with wrestling! Decent gore, but only a bodycount of six…

Score: 5/10

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

July 13, 2009
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Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (a.k.a. Strippers Vs Zombies): a b-movie on Zone Horror that looked like it had potential: was in fact utterly crap. Awful puns and acting, every zombie cliché in the book, and piss-poor effects… the blood looks like water dyed red! Clearly a platform for a bunch of wannabe porn stars, just hope they failed. Would probably be watchable if you were stoned or drunk… switched off after 1 hour. Hope my Zombie Strippers DVD w/ Jenna Jameson and Robert England isn’t as bad as this!!!

Score: 2/10

American Pie 2

July 13, 2009
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American Pie 2: I can sum it up in one word, nostalgia! Pretty funny and enjoyable film that most people can relate to and still holds itself against most of the pish being released these days – made even better by the gratuitous spattering of über-hot nude babes. The soundtrack is absolutely top-notch, although the CD only has about 1/3 the total songs from the film. Unfortunately the later installments of the franchise are more than gash!

Score: 7/10