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Valentine’s Day: make-ups and break-ups are on the menu as a lot of famous people try to get lots of your bums on lots of seats. Genuinely, Ashton “Dude, where’s my talent?” Kutcher is so flat it’s like watching an inanimate object: a chair, a table, a wall – take your pick, they’d out-act him. It’s one of those lazy comedies that plays racial stereotypes for cheap comedy – including the classic ‘big black woman with an attitude’; obviously! For me, Queen Latifa is fast becoming my trusty hallmark for a shit film. The script must have been written by the Green Giant, it’s sooo corny (tedious, contrived and unrealistic dialogue) and the jokes are all poorly judged & timed. The only tolerable bits (limited to guys + lesbians) are Anne Hathaway in her scants, then talking on a phone-sex line!!! But it’s a PG sex-line though <SadFace>. Worse still, all of the best names – like Foxx – get the least time on screen, because they cost the most.

The Mrs and I braved an entire hour before we lost all faith in Hollywood, actors, integrity, humanity, the universe etc. Valentines day is cynical, insulting, money-grabbing and void of any entertainment. Whatever you do, do not watch this if you intend on some ‘adult sleeping’ afterwards, it will absolutely destroy your notions of love, and valentines day.

Alternative Plan: Early bed time.

So it’s that time of the year when everyone’s supposed to sit down with their loved ones and watch films like Ghost, Titanic, Dirty Dancing, 50 First Dates, Pretty Woman and all the rest. But here’s the thing – your boyfriend doesn’t want to watch these films (unless you’re also participating in Steak and Blowjob Day – in which case, it’s 100% your night after all, ladies)

Sure they can be watching a chick flick, but she better put March 14th in her diary!

For all the lonely hearts, recent singles, jaded couples, sociopaths and Valentine’s day haters – here’s a list of the perfectly appropriate but non-gushy films for all scenarios to keep your heart warm on February 14th

Feeling ugly?
The Toxic Avenger: after a horrifying accident in which he falls into a vat of nuclear waste, a geeky weed called Melvin is left with a mutated body, gammy face, green skin and permanent pink tutu; yet one small act of kindness is all it takes for him to hook up with his dream woman!! They say love is blind, and Sarah is no exception! This my friends is a new-age beauty and the beast with enough manly stuff to keep the vomit down.

Feeing Lonely?
Hard Candy: continually failing when it comes to getting your sexual targets away from the bar and into your bed? This film has all the answers. Opening up with one man’s brilliantly successful attempt at wooing his prey into his castle… watch and learn folks!  Also applicable viewing if you’re worried about an age gap.

Fancy your workmate?
Secretary: Always thinking about bumping uglies with that person across the room? This movie is the perfect example of all the do’s and dont’s of a standard inter-office romance. It shows you how to deal with the sexual frustration, horsing around, bondage bonding with the special one, stain removal and what not to do when sitting on your boss’ chair.

Newly Single?
Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind: find out what it’s like to actually erase your ex from memory… then be glad that you didn’t because your wank bank would be totally empty again!

Rather be with your family?
Oldboy: If this Korean masterpiece teaches us all one thing, it’s that – no matter how difficult or strange your situation is – you should always love you’re family more than anything else in the world… maybe not THAT much though!

Stuck in a relationship?
Saw: Feeling like your partner has shackled you down and is making you miserable? Consider this light-hearted buddy-flick an inspirational piece of how to rid yourself of the heavy chains of an overbearing relationship… yes it hurts, but as we see from the lead character, that feeling of freedom is worth the pain.