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Live!

July 25, 2010
Film Reviews
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Live!: Filmed by a documentary crew that are given access to a major Network’s ratings-obsessed – and frequently braless – producer as she turns a sick idea into the most successful reality TV show of all-time. Budget is the obvious constraint here and you get the feeling that the entire process, from idea to release, was all railroaded through with very little thought and even less money. Every character is stock, flawed and/or unbelievable – nobody even has a surname. The acting screams of ‘minimal effort’ at the best of times; omnihotty Eva Mendes doesn’t go beyond 1st gear, but hey, neither does anyone else – even 50 Cent (although he only has 1 line) and Javier Bardem Jeffery Dean Morgan. Despite being marred by cheapness the final 1/3 of the movie – the actual show – is pretty tense, if a little corny. The underlying messages about the public’s consumption and lust for tragedy have been around for decades, and done much better. It’s an interesting premise, but Stick to Series 7 or the Running Man.

Score: 3/10

Hell Ride

January 23, 2010
Film Reviews
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Hell Ride: Biker ‘Pistolero’ is out for revenge after a rival gang had his lady killed years back. Scene one: guy lying on the ground with an arrow in his stomach. Scene two: some chick being beaten, tied, throat slit and burned. Rest of film: bodies dropping right, left and centre. This my friends, is ‘Bikesploitation’ – bikes, babes, beards and beer tediously linked by a wafer-thin plot. The casting is just as poor, especially Michael Madsen, who is 100% Budd from Kill Bill, Vinnie Jones as another badass, and remember cyber nerd Milo from 24, just pretend he’s really mean. The dead men walking supporting cast were so indistinguishable (hairy, shades and stupid names) that it was pretty hard to follow who was who, although they all got killed, so meh! It’s good to see Dennis Hopper and Dave Carradine on screen again. It had so much potential and although I wasn’t expecting much it still disappointed; it really is one of those films that is so bad it’s… bad. Note to Tarrantino: please stop presenting shite films!

Score: 2.5/10

Vicky Christina Barcelona

January 22, 2010
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Vicky Christina Barcelona: Two girls visit Spain for the summer and get more than they bargained for. Being a Woody Allen film it’s all a bit fruity, especially once the characters become more involved with each other. The relationships and scenarios are pretty grounded and it even gets a bit heavy at times, throwing up questions regarding relationships, morals, love & adultery. The characters are the biggest part of the film and they’re all fairly memorable, either through their looks (Johansson), performance (Hall) or both (Bardem & Cruz!). With the best lines and more conviction the Spanish home team overshadow their visitors. The narrator is a nice touch – and Classic Allen – although he points out the obvious quite a lot, which is annoying… but not nearly as much as Scarlett’s character who walks around photographing everything like a total dickhead. Allen’s definitely found some form in the late naughties, I just hope it continues. Sexy, funny rom-com.

Score: 6.5/10

Shortbus

December 10, 2009
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Shortbus: follows the shortcomings of several sexual ‘misfits’: a gay couple on the rocks, dominatrix that can’t connect and sex therapist that’s never orgasmed… Be warned, don’t watch it with your parents as some scenes are pretty much porn. The opening of this is among the most unforgettable of any movie, as are many of the zany characters you meet, and several of the scenes – it’s pretty much a one-of-a-kind. Despite being chocked-full of taboo and graphic (real!) sex Shortbus does a fantastic job of remaining funny and charming for the duration, because the emphasis is on the people and their emotions, not the sex. There’s some funky animations of NYC and most of the characters are likable. The film remains interesting as each person’s story progresses and the climactic ending is really upbeat and fitting with the movie as a whole. It’s not for the prudish, and because of the warnings on the box you’ll probably feel a bit dirty just buying this – although it’s totally worth the momentary shame! Extraordinary comedy about sexual emotions!

Score: 7/10

Foxy Brown

November 17, 2009
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Foxy Brown: Pam Grier is out to avenge her junkie-loser brother and snitch boyfriend by sticking it to the man, big time. Everything from the soul / funk soundtrack to the gritty view of ‘real life’ is aimed at adolescent black guys, so for a honky to review this in one paragraph, probably won’t do it much justice. Naturally everyone evil, or with any power, is a white bigot: although the casting department went a step too far by hiring the most upper class ‘gangsters’ I’ve ever seen. The opening credits are like a cheap James Bond rip off and the action in the film’s admirable, but not quite there. Despite all the fist-clenching bro solidarity, melodramatic scenes and social issues / stereotypes raised it’s an OK action-flick, made easier to watch courtesy of Grier’s one-of-a-kind figure being flaunted throughout. Girl Power / Black Power!

Score: 5/10

Haggard

August 17, 2009
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Haggard: Bam Margera and his Jackass / CKY pals make a feature length – sounds stupid? It is, but it’s actually a pretty good effort. Above the stupidity, there’s actually lots of good laughs, gross-outs and funny set-pieces. There’s also a load of skate-superstar cameos throughout the film.  The 5.1 mix is unusually heavy on the rear speakers, so all dialogue – loud and soft – is crystal clear, but feels unbalanced. Loads of lame pseudo-music/skate videos to flesh out the running time, which is unnecessary because the film loses it’s way in the last 20 mins. It’s also more watchable than the original CKY videos. It may not go down as a comedy great, but don’t dismiss it on the grounds of it being attached to Jackass because it’s surprisingly good.

Score: 7/10

Wrestlemaniac

July 13, 2009
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Wrestlemaniac: Yet another Zone Horror film… when will I learn. As far as B-movies go this was OK. Featured the following ‘staple’ horror elements: crazy legend, generally low IQs, people insisting on walking about on their own, lame ‘jumpy’ bits, ridiculous nerds, unfathomably stupid ending as well as lesbians, tits, and pervy camera angles random Arnie Quote. Rey Mysterio’s dad was the main killer, weird. Looked and felt pretty professional compared to most low-budget horrors, but didn’t actually have that much to do with wrestling! Decent gore, but only a bodycount of six…

Score: 5/10

American Pie 2

July 13, 2009
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American Pie 2: I can sum it up in one word, nostalgia! Pretty funny and enjoyable film that most people can relate to and still holds itself against most of the pish being released these days – made even better by the gratuitous spattering of über-hot nude babes. The soundtrack is absolutely top-notch, although the CD only has about 1/3 the total songs from the film. Unfortunately the later installments of the franchise are more than gash!

Score: 7/10

Reykjavik 101

July 13, 2009
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Reykjavik 101: Had this DVD for yonks and finally got round to watching it. Labeled as a ‘hillarious black comedy’ it wasn’t exactly a barrel of laughs, but had a few good lines / scenes. The plot follows a suicidal loser, who’s mum comes out of the closet and he’s forced to change his ways – but only after he accidentally pumps his mum’s girlfriend. Film looks good and the story’s not exactly clichéd. Some of the scenery and general feel you get of Iceland is worth watching it for alone. Good, but not quite on par with the awkward dark comedy films of Todd Solondz (Welcome to the dollhouse, happiness etc) – which I think it was trying to achieve.

Score: 6.5/10