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Keith Lemon: The Film – I’ll have to start this by saying I absolutely love Celebrity Juice for what it is, and that Keith Lemon, as a TV character, is great. Having seen the horrific trailer, I was sitting in the brace position from the start, but it somehow manages to be even worse than it looks. Production values are Sub-TV, the script and story could have been written by teenagers, and miles of old rope is pulled out in the form of 10-year-old Bo Selecta! Characters, and Keith Lemon phrases from the past 4 years. (Bang tidy, Finger blast, Smash your back doors in, will you nosh me off, etc, etc…)

No amount of familiar catchphrases or riffs from the show, no amount of cameos, and not even the lovely Kelly Brook in her undies could stop this from sinking. Mostly disappointing, because Celebrity Juice is a funny show. It looks like Leigh Francis is only good at taking the piss out of celebrities, because when you give him a script and a narrative, he’s unwatchable.

Alternative Plan: Went to watch Shadow Dancers, but the generators at the cinema gave up, so ended up playing some 8-ball instead.

Piranha: (Piranha 3D – 2010) Spring break is ruined as an earthquake releases a massive school of 2 million year old cannibal super-piranhas into a party-lake!! The movie’s divided in to two parts: set up (nudity-fest and just enough gore) and bloodbath (gore-fest and just enough nudity). The cast is a who’s who of B-movie stars, all typecast and wafer thin characters; in saying that, Christopher Lloyd’s great fun, Ving Rhames is Ving Rames, Kelly Brook is ball-tighteningly hot and porn stars Gianna Michaels / Riley Steele also get their 3D lungs out – no complaints with any of that! The gore‘s decent enough; most of it is real effects so looks pretty good but the CGI is a bit rubbish and the underwater scenes look very dark with the 3D glasses on. The 3D itself is generally good if a tad sloppy – they clearly spent the most time on the buxom booty and a few cheap ‘poke outs’ and not enough time on the piranhas themselves, but on the whole it was decent. There’s a bunch of nice nods to Jaws, from the poster through to ‘the dolly shot’, when Brody realises what’s happening, and even the casting of Dreyfuss. My biggest complaint is that for the robbery extra cost of seeing a 3D flick it’s very short – although given that Piranha barely sustains itself for 75-80 minutes this may be a godsend! All-in Piranha’s everything you expect it to be: shallow and camp, but bulging with entertaining gore, red dye and constant nudity… what more could you want from a B-movie? Guilty pleasure of the summer.

Score: 4.5/10