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Valentine’s Day: make-ups and break-ups are on the menu as a lot of famous people try to get lots of your bums on lots of seats. Genuinely, Ashton “Dude, where’s my talent?” Kutcher is so flat it’s like watching an inanimate object: a chair, a table, a wall – take your pick, they’d out-act him. It’s one of those lazy comedies that plays racial stereotypes for cheap comedy – including the classic ‘big black woman with an attitude’; obviously! For me, Queen Latifa is fast becoming my trusty hallmark for a shit film. The script must have been written by the Green Giant, it’s sooo corny (tedious, contrived and unrealistic dialogue) and the jokes are all poorly judged & timed. The only tolerable bits (limited to guys + lesbians) are Anne Hathaway in her scants, then talking on a phone-sex line!!! But it’s a PG sex-line though <SadFace>. Worse still, all of the best names – like Foxx – get the least time on screen, because they cost the most.

The Mrs and I braved an entire hour before we lost all faith in Hollywood, actors, integrity, humanity, the universe etc. Valentines day is cynical, insulting, money-grabbing and void of any entertainment. Whatever you do, do not watch this if you intend on some ‘adult sleeping’ afterwards, it will absolutely destroy your notions of love, and valentines day.

Alternative Plan: Early bed time.

Monsters: a photographer has to deliver his boss’s daughter from central America back home to the US border, only problem is that the north of Mexico is now an alien infected zone. Yet another solid entry into the more believable area of the Sci-Fi section – alongside the likes of Primer, Children of Men, 2001, Moon, District 9, Running Man… Monsters is guerilla film-making at its smartest; every shot is framed perfectly and CGI’s sparingly used as the most is made of real people / locations / disasters / wrecks. The focus isn’t on big effects, but the atmosphere, which is probably the biggest reason why you can buy into the film. While the story’s pretty thin and basic, the chemistry between the on (and off) screen couple also sucks you right into their world. In saying that, for being the crux of the film the relationship angle is straight off-the-shelf; some poor bloke’s fiance is doubting their marriage when she meets a far more interesting guy – wonder how that will it turn out?! Everyone’s been banging on about how good Monsters is for the budget, big woop, a load of low and micro budget films have done well. The real inspiration that Gareth Edwards wrote, directed, filmed, edited and SFX’d an international hit off his own back. While this isn’t quite the full polished package it shows a lot of promise for a first time director. Can’t wait to see what he can deliver when the studios start throwing serious money at him.

Score: 6.5/10