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The Machine Girl

January 20, 2010
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Machine Girl: (Blu Ray) the story’s just a vehicle for the onslaught of gore, so it’s not even worth dwelling on… ‘revenge’ should cover it. This action & blood fest includes… <spoilers> shot in the eye, face shot to bits, hand hacked off, exploding head (2), maid murder, extreme bullying, tempura arm, brains facial, intestine facial, blood facial showers (gave up counting – ?), cook brutality, forced cannibalism, ninja stars (?), fingers sliced, amputation (2), necrophilia, urban ninjas (3), decapitation(?), blood drinking, nails in the face, fountains of blood (?), chainsaw deaths (?), bucket of death (2), limb fighting, an unforgettable boob job and many an OTT gory death. To lighten he mood they also chucked in some… swordfights, cleavage, ghosts, questionable first aid, midriff, sexy lingerie, a drill bra, pant wetting, death by strobes, Japanese schoolgirls and a MILF. </spoilers> The picture quality drifts between barely acceptable and below upscaled DVD, the sound is also poor – definitely not worth paying more for the BD. Bad and camp acting throughout, but for being on a budget the gore’s pretty good and is more comical than serious. It’s pretty entertaining but definitely a required taste: think ‘Story of Ricky’, ‘Braindead’, ‘Versus’, ‘Bad Taste’…

Score: 3/10

Watchmen

January 9, 2010
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Watchmen: (Blu Ray) A gang of retired vigilantes squeeze back into their costumes to figure out who’s trying to kill them off. The story itself is a near perfect blend of action and dystopian Noir mystery, although it’s no Sin City rip off. Picture and surround sound are both absolutely stunning and could easily be used as test/demo material. All aspects of the visuals are totally slick, and bone-splitting graphic violence has never looked this good. The run time may put some off, at 2:45, but it’s all about the characters past and present. A few streaks of hardcore physics to melt your mind, and older viewers will remember the constant fear of a potential nuclear holocaust. On a downside the soundtrack’s very dominating, trendy and generic for such an original story, and it’s never good seeing a huge blue wang, ever. Haven’t read the graphic novel so can’t compare them, but as a stand alone film this is certainly a great achievement. Plain awesome viewing.

Score: 8/10

Three Burials

January 8, 2010
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The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: a modern western that’s divided between the ways of the old Wild West and the attitudes towards immigration in present America. It’s an outstanding directorial debut by Tommy Lee Jones, who also put in a fine performance: this was probably the biggest factor for his casting in No Country For Old Men. Barry Pepper’s personal journey is also powerful and believable, shame he’s never grabbed a decent leading man part. Although it’s quite slow, the story is so simple and powerful that it draws you in completely, and as the film goes on it all comes together quite nicely. The scenery on offer is magnificent, taking you from a tiny town in West Texas over the border, deserts and down to a Mexican paradise. It’s also got some of the driest humour you’ll find, with the highlight being a corpse comedy side story – morbidly dark but bizarrely funny. Simple and well executed story but the no-frills approach won’t be for everyone.

Score: 7.5/10

The Bodyguard

December 30, 2009
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The Bodyguard: so-called action flick featuring Thailand’s smallest and tubbiest gravity-defying bodyguard – definitely not the ’92 Costner / Houston affair! A few familiar faces from ‘Ong-Bak’ make up the main cast – including a Tony Jaa cameo – although this is nowhere as good a movie. Despite being made in 2004 it feels uncannily like classic ’80s cheese; slow-motion shots, terminally cheap music, and some of the most ridiculous and least funny pantomime-esque ‘humour’ I’ve seen. It’s camper than a row of tents, contains a bizarrely high level of foul language, and doesn’t say much about the intelligence of Thai people. The few action scenes are the only redeeming feature of this, in particularly some nifty moves and set pieces. The film focuses more on a millionaire’s love conquest over the actual bodyguard – title FAIL. Feels more like a bunch of mates making a b-movie than the action / wire-fu movie it’s promoted as. Best stick with Ong Bak / Warrior King etc.

Score: 3/10

Foxy Brown

November 17, 2009
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Foxy Brown: Pam Grier is out to avenge her junkie-loser brother and snitch boyfriend by sticking it to the man, big time. Everything from the soul / funk soundtrack to the gritty view of ‘real life’ is aimed at adolescent black guys, so for a honky to review this in one paragraph, probably won’t do it much justice. Naturally everyone evil, or with any power, is a white bigot: although the casting department went a step too far by hiring the most upper class ‘gangsters’ I’ve ever seen. The opening credits are like a cheap James Bond rip off and the action in the film’s admirable, but not quite there. Despite all the fist-clenching bro solidarity, melodramatic scenes and social issues / stereotypes raised it’s an OK action-flick, made easier to watch courtesy of Grier’s one-of-a-kind figure being flaunted throughout. Girl Power / Black Power!

Score: 5/10

Run Lola Run

November 16, 2009
Film Reviews
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Run Lola Run: a stunning red head must find 100,000 Marks within 20 minutes to save her boyfriend. Despite this movie being almost all action you really get to know the two mains, thanks to them nailing their characters in what little screen time they have. The biggest feature for me was the music; pounding German dance tracks that emphasise the urgency and get you totally pumped up, especially through the first 15 minutes. Paying attention to every detail shows how neat and well-planned the film is, but doesn’t necessarily to add enjoyment – just a nice touch. It also has a themes of fate, coincidence and the butterfly effect, but again, they’re just there, and you don’t have to analyse them. It’s a very original idea, executed brilliantly and remains stylish throughout – all the scenes with Lola / Manni are striking in one way or another. With the dominant music, stunning visuals and a simple story it’s like a long music video, yet it never wears thin or peters out. A great example of film-making and essential viewing.

Score: 8.5/10

Versus

November 4, 2009
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Versus: a criminal and mystic are hunted down by yakuza, who are being chased by zombies! How do you make a film with more action than the matrix? Easy, just add gallons of blood, swords, knifes, massive guns, a ton of zombies and have as many fights as you can get away with. It’s (surprisingly) directed by the same guy that did Midnight Meat Train, but don’t hold that against him as this a good effort. He did well with a low-budget: the effects very gory and good, the sound’s not bad despite being re-dubbed in a studio and the camerawork’s admirable, although 360 shots are overused. The story’s pretty thin, and the ‘big twist’ is so bad it’s good. Some of the dialogue and action is very corny, making it feel like a live-action manga adaptation. Quite looking forward to the re-make/sequel that’s being rumored at the moment. Ridiculously OTT live-action-packed ultra-stylish no-brainer hack-fest of a cult zombie flick.

Score: 6.5/10

Kickboxer

November 2, 2009
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Kickboxer: potential lawyer takes up fighting to avenge his once cocky, now disabled, brother in a Muay Thai match against a monster. From the outset (Van Damme and his brother on a boat looking like child-molesting sex tourists) you know this is vintage 80s. The songs – and dance scene – are also criminally cheesy, yet perversely enjoyable. All bad guys passed their ‘villain 101’ course: stab dog, rape girl, fight dirty, kidnap a cripple… and no martial arts film would be complete without a wise Confucius. Why not chuck a jive-talkin’ black guy who’s addicted to pussy in the mix too? Overall, the acting’s pretty bad, and the films nothing more than an excuse for Van Damme to flaunt his skills, accent, muscles, splits and gnarly dancing. You know what you’re getting with this one and although it’s not packed with fights/action you could do a lot worse with 90 minutes. Vintage Van Damme.

Score: 6/10

Stag Knight

August 27, 2009
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StagKnight: over the top 2007 British ‘black’ comedy horror about a stag party’s midnight paintball session and a murderous knight, awoken from a deadly slumber. Off the bat the film is laden with obvious jokes, bad accents, truly bizarre scenes, and some of the worst costumes you’ll ever see in a feature length… so far, so b-movie. There’s a diverse crew of stereotypes (mod, punk, nerd, Asian, wigger, fatty, wimp, hero, etc, etc), and despite being an 18 the gore’s kept to a minimum, with the majority of violence being suggested off screen. Despite it’s pitfalls the film looks very professional, with great audio and video – especially given that it’s almost entirely filmed in the dark: almost unheard of in this genre! Because of this it’s one of the few b-movies I’d have not felt ripped off by if I’d paid to see it at a cinema. It’s definitely horror for the ‘lads’ / sun readers, although it’s an admirable attempt.

Score: 4/10

Tokyo Zombie

August 19, 2009
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Tokyo Zombie: keeping Japan’s offbeat fascination with the undead ‘alive’, this black comedy is tagged as ‘Japan’s Shaun of the Dead’. Basically, it’s a movie of two halves; the first of which is pretty funny, dark, entertaining and has some top comedy violence. The second half is boring and full of poor drama, with the last 15 minutes perking up again. In true Japanese style weird, irrelevant and perverse subjects crop up throughout, and it’s got a similar look and feel to the ‘Happiness of the Katakuris’. There’s a few glimmers of good acting through the ridiculous scenes, a couple of great long takes, and a few awesome J-punk riffs in the soundtrack. Because it peeks too early I’d  check this out if you were in to your Japanese films already, but wouldn’t use this as an introduction to Asian cinema.

Score: 5.5/10

Paris Lockdown

August 16, 2009
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Paris Lockdown / Truands: an underworld crime film that half follows the ups and downs of two hitmen, as well as a myriad major and minor gang characters. It ticks all the boxes of a gangster type film; money, guns, cars, drugs, wimin’, feuds, violence and so forth. Despite this, the film never really gets going and because there are so many criminals and dealers in the story that you don’t get to know anyone well enough to want them to come out on top. The one thing I learn from this is that in Paris, money talks and nobody gives a shit about anything else! While it’s a good, watchable film, it’s definitely one for the boys – but if you’re wanting a proper continental ‘Goodfellas’ check out Romanzo Criminale instead.

Score: 6/10