Omega Man

August 26, 2009

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Omega Man: follows the last man on earth as he fends off a bunch of afro’d albino druids whilst trying to find a cure for their condition. You can watch it as a simple horror film, but there’s more to it that meets the eye, with the most obvious theme being the cold war: ‘the family’ vs 1 man with his gadgets, cars and fancy trickery. There’s also messages about race, morality, Christianity and the biological warfare in there too if you scratch below the film’s surface. Fitting with his embodiment of the USA (and NRA figurehead) Heston is heavily armed throughout, as well as being ever-topless despite not being too buff. All-in, the acting, storyline, music and characters are all so surreal and camp that it’s hard to feel any horror / terror, although in the context of when it was made it would have definitely played on the contemporary fears. It’s watchable but really, really cheesy.

Score: 6/10

Zombie Town

August 25, 2009

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Zombie Town: staple zombie-flick from 2007 where zombies and bodysnatchers-esque slugs set their sights on an isolated redneck American town – a gorey mess ensues and the B-movie genre lives on! Blood, check. Gore, check. Brains, Check. Pseudo-scientist, Check. Random boobs, check. Zombie lovers will have seen this kind of film a dozen times now and it’s not the best example. Not really worth watching, so spare yourself the trauma unless you’re hell-bent on seeing every zombie film ever made… or really need some party fodder.

Score: 2/10

Gomorra

August 24, 2009

Gomorra: Italian crime film that half follows a young chav, tailor, ‘businessman’, two youths and mid-level gangster – who are all vaguely linked by “the war” (between rival wannabe mafioso gangs). Sounded good, and the trailer made it look like an epic, but it wasn’t the case. Because all the main characters share the screen you never have enough time to connect to them, which makes you feel nothing but indifference. I literally spent the latter half of the film contemplating whether or not to turn it off, and trying to figure when it would all come together – which it never really did. The soundtrack’s crammed with terrible Euro Dance & Pop. This film would have been better if I i) had Italian heritage, ii) was interested in Italian life, iii) wanted to know how not to be a gangster or run a crime ring. Totally underwhelming.

Score: 3/10

Tokyo Zombie

August 19, 2009

Tokyo Zombie: keeping Japan’s offbeat fascination with the undead ‘alive’, this black comedy is tagged as ‘Japan’s Shaun of the Dead’. Basically, it’s a movie of two halves; the first of which is pretty funny, dark, entertaining and has some top comedy violence. The second half is boring and full of poor drama, with the last 15 minutes perking up again. In true Japanese style weird, irrelevant and perverse subjects crop up throughout, and it’s got a similar look and feel to the ‘Happiness of the Katakuris’. There’s a few glimmers of good acting through the ridiculous scenes, a couple of great long takes, and a few awesome J-punk riffs in the soundtrack. Because it peeks too early I’d check this out if you were in to your Japanese films already, but wouldn’t use this as an introduction to Asian cinema.

Score: 5.5/10

Inglorious Bastards

August 18, 2009

Inglorious Bastards: original ‘B-movie’ version of the new Tarantino release. First big shock was how good the quality of everything was – other than the script! It didn’t feel much like a B-movie, more like the epic war films you’d see on TV in the afternoon. Film quality, locations, action shots and sets were all well above par. It’s been tagged as an ‘exploitation’ film, but it’s really just trashy and naff, with some risqué scenes involving black soldiers, Nazis and gratuitous unrelated boobs. The first hour of the film is a bit disjointed, but the train plot keeps everything sane. You’ve got to love how everyone jumps out of cars / windows / bunkers when they get shot – one guy’s body ascends over 10 feet off the screen! It’s an alright film, but not nearly as gnarly or action-packed as you’d expect (due to a 15 certificate)

Score: 6/10

Haggard

August 17, 2009

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Haggard: Bam Margera and his Jackass / CKY pals make a feature length – sounds stupid? It is, but it’s actually a pretty good effort. Above the stupidity, there’s actually lots of good laughs, gross-outs and funny set-pieces. There’s also a load of skate-superstar cameos throughout the film. The 5.1 mix is unusually heavy on the rear speakers, so all dialogue – loud and soft – is crystal clear, but feels unbalanced. Loads of lame pseudo-music/skate videos to flesh out the running time, which is unnecessary because the film loses it’s way in the last 20 mins. It’s also more watchable than the original CKY videos. It may not go down as a comedy great, but don’t dismiss it on the grounds of it being attached to Jackass because it’s surprisingly good.

Score: 7/10

Paris Lockdown

August 16, 2009

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Paris Lockdown / Truands: an underworld crime film that half follows the ups and downs of two hitmen, as well as a myriad major and minor gang characters. It ticks all the boxes of a gangster type film; money, guns, cars, drugs, wimin’, feuds, violence and so forth. Despite this, the film never really gets going and because there are so many criminals and dealers in the story that you don’t get to know anyone well enough to want them to come out on top. The one thing I learn from this is that in Paris, money talks and nobody gives a shit about anything else! While it’s a good, watchable film, it’s definitely one for the boys – but if you’re wanting a proper continental ‘Goodfellas’ check out Romanzo Criminale instead.

Score: 6/10

Morgana

August 14, 2009

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Morgana: ditsy redneck girl gets mixed up with the wrong crowd in this “voluptuous vampire action film”. This has bad sound, bad music, a bad cast, bad acting, bad stereotypes, bad accents, bad 80s dancing and a very bad description. It’s basically a soft-porno that’s been left in the horror section. They must have spent the entire budget on strippers because there’s tits and slow-motion shagging all over the shop – and even that doesn’t do much for this one. It’s beyond me how guff film ideas like these get funding in the first place. After a bit of research the film’s actually called ‘Blonde Heaven’… Morgana’s a confusing title because it’s never said in the film!?!? Only just better than Crank, but still never worth watching, ever.

Score: 1/10

Metropolis

August 13, 2009

Metropolis: based on drawings from 1949, which were based on Fritz Lang’s epic silent movie – the connection is pretty tedious, and basically boils down to imagery, homage and a lot of fade to blacks. The end product is a strangely watchable blend of classic anime, some basic 3D graphics and one of the most mis-matched soundtracks in cinematic history. It’s definitely great to watch, especially the background, but the story’s pretty rubbish. I remember being amazed by this several years ago, but on re-watching it can’t really see what the fuss was about. The super epic ending definitely saves the film, music n’all. Don’t go out of your way to see it, but if it lands in your lap, do it.

Score: 6/10

Zodiac

August 13, 2009

Zodiac: this is a pretty damn good film. Great story, especially if you’re in to your crime/thriller films. The one thing that stood out for me is the acting, all the main characters are absolutely superb; Gyllenghall and Rufallo especially proving that they’re good enough to be proper leading men & Downy Jr playing his typecast ‘crazy guy’. The only real problem for me was that it wars a touch on the long side, at just under 3 hours, it seems pretty dragged out – which isn’t helped by a slump around the 110 minute mark. Despite this it remains interesting and looks really retro / authentic. It’s also amazing how slow and fragmented old-school investigations were – this will definitely go down as one of the best cop films of the naughties!

Score: 8/10

Adam

August 10, 2009

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Adam: a film about a guy with asperger syndrome who meets his new female neighbour and their time together. Not convinced? Neither was I when I read the synopsis. The director could have made this ultra quirky but generally stayed focused on telling the great story. Aware that it would undoubtedly be compared to Forrest Gump, it even makes a cheeky reference to this. Both leads are outstanding, which makes the film more believable, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were nominated for several awards. Because of Adam’s tendency to take everything at face value, and difficulty to gauge other peoples’ feelings the film has subtle and glaring comedy moments throughout. Look out for Ervin Burrell (the Wire), and Adam himself looks like Mr Prezbo. Despite the realism you do still get the feeling that it romanticises the relationship potential with someone that has aspergers. Not your classical Hollywood Rom-Com, but well worth checking out.

Score: 8/10

The Proposition

The Proposition: would have been far more watchable if there wasn’t so much violence and gore in your face throughout the entire film. Don’t get me wrong, I like my action, but this is a bit much. The story’s simple and had potential to be powerful, but was drawn out and poorly executed. There were no lasting rivalries, little suspense, no shoot-em-up scenes and no deep characters… basically, no staple Western ingredients! Definitely failed to make the most of the superstar cast, Ray Winstone in particular seemed to think he was playing a gangster. Gets a lot of hype because of the hardcore Nick Cave following, but surely such an acclaimed musician should have nailed a better soundtrack! It looks good, and is atmospheric, but if you like westerns you’ll have seen the story before, just never told this poorly, and with so many boring soliloquies.

Score: 4/10

Antichrist

Antichrist: since studying Europa / Zentropa in Uni I’ve made it my business to see all of Lars Von Trier’s films, most of which push the envelope of style and content. This film sees none of his characteristic rules or obstructions in the film-making process, perhaps why there’s not much content and only a couple of memorable scenes. It’s it’s essentially a film too far, and with loads of needless violence, sex and symbolism – it feels like a slow burning ‘Hostel’ or ‘Saw’ flick. Technically it seemed a waste of the mighty Red One cameras used and things like the GCI animals / talking fox are plain absurd. Eden’s cabin and cheap atmospheric music seemed to nod at the Evil Dead series. The acting’s the only redeeming part of this flick, but I suspect this film will be a stain on both their careers. You can tell Von Trier’s depression was severe when he wrote this; uncharacteristically crap!

Score: 2/10

Assembly

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Assembly: an epic Chinese film of one man’s struggle through two wars and his quest for recognition of his fallen soldiers. The first 60 minutes of the film shows 4 battles, 3 of which are so realistic that it makes Private Ryan look like a scouts training exercise – the only downfall is they cranked the ‘shaky cam’ up to advanced Parkinsons level in the first one. Some great suspence sequences leading up to the fights. The second part of the film drags on a little as the story weakens but the acting / cinematography / Chinese scenery keeps it more than watchable – and the ending picks up a bit. It’s brutal but humane, and Zhang Hanyu’s performance is utterly jaw-dropping.

Score: 7.5/10

Run Fatboy Run

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Run Fat Boy Run: the first 20 minutes tee’d the film up nicely but after that it rapidly digressed into an utterly predictable and unfunny folly. Pegg looks out of his depth with drama, and (to be brutal!) doesn’t really have the looks for it. You get the feeling Schwimmer googled ‘Mainstream British Actors’ then ‘Mainstream British Music’ and figured out what he could afford. It’s full of british stereotypes, unoriginal slapstick jokes, and follows an ultra safe, tried-and-tested formula. The film’s easy on the eye because it’s like Hollywood took a trip to London. I just wish I could have ran my marathon with 3 weeks of half-assed training!

Score: 3.5/10

The Savages

The savages: ‘estranged siblings re-onnect as they take care of their ailing father in this Oscar-nominated black comedy’… only it’s not really a black comedy, just plain old grim. Only laughed at one part of this film, the rest of the ‘funnies’ were predictable or potty humour. Couldn’t believe Chris “Hitman” Partlow (from The Wire) played a care worker – casting FAIL! Laura Linney looked like a total milf for the duration. It was well-shot, and brilliantly acted – can’t really go wrong with Seymour-Hoffman. As a drama it ticks a few boxes, although it is a tough watch. However, it just doesn’t cut it as the Todd Solondz-esqué black comedy it was marketed as. Ignore the critics!

Score: 4/10

The Assassination of Jessie James

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The Assassination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford: The title pretty much sums up this film – twice as long as it had to be. At 2:40 I thought there’d be a lot to get through… this wasn’t the case… and it took about an hour for the first good bit of story to develop. Genuinely felt that every scene was at least 30 seconds longer than it had to be. Capturing the 1880’s details was done well, but to the point that it was difficult to understand ye olde dialogue. The best thing about the film was the short bursts of narration. Casey Affleck / Pitt did a great job of acting, but Affleck’s whiney voice started grinding my gears after about an hour. There’s also a few great bits of cinematography / imagery. Should have been great, but was mauled by the pace.

Score: 3/10

Chaos

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Chaos (2006): Statham, Snipes and Ryan Philippe playing off each other in a film about a complicated bank robbery. The majority of the film walked a tightrope between brilliant and shit, but it stayed watchable. A twist-o-rama at the end (complete with flashbacks for the terminally stupid) pretty much saves it, although didn’t leave many clues throughout the film to figure it out yourself. The 5.1 surround was great, but the dialogue / action balance was rubbish. It’s OK, but will never make a list of the best cop films ever.

Score: 5/10

Eastern Promises

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Eastern Promises: the fact that an ‘everywoman’ nurse and her plain old family are part of the main cast I thought this film was going to be a at least a bit realistic… but when things like the sci-fi violence hits the screen it’s comically out-of-place. At least there’s a shower scene you’ll never forget. Also, why cast French, American, German and British actors to play Eastern Europeans? Vincent Cassel… the most quintessential french bit-part actor… a Russian?!?! Overall, I was pretty disappointed that the guy who brought us sci-fi classics like Videodrome, the Scanners, Dead Zone has ended up going down the road of mundane Steven King type ‘thrillers’. Just couldn’t connect with any of the ridiculous characters or take it seriously.

Score: 3/10

The Reader

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The Reader: coming-of-age story of one man’s lifelong obsession with a book-loving dyslexic nazi lesbian paedophile war-criminal. Loads of ethical questions raised about the Holocaust and the guilt of Germany’s next generation. Kross Fiennes, and Winslet all acted well, but the latter two had weak German accents (Vy do oll jermens tolk like zeis?). In General, I always think it’s quite off how big studios think that UK/US actors with slight accents dupe audiences into believing the film is set there. You can tell it’s a well-made film, but it’s definitely one for the girls as it’s essentially a drawn-out, banal love story.

Score: 4/10

No Country For Old Men

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No Country for Old Men: Javier Bardem stole the show for me as a believably chilling psychopath, although Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones both nailed their characters with conviction. The story’s brilliant, and has the trademark Coen brothers look, feel and occasional black comedy moments. There’s also a couple few scenes where the suspense is unbearable, something that’s hard to pull off. Set in 1980, it says a lot about the new-age crime, criminals and violence at the time and how traditional police struggle to solve, or even understand it. The last 30 minutes are quite weak, and the loose ends will annoy some people. Top-drawer film that it well worth watching.

Score: 8/10

Be Kind, Rewind

Be Kind, Rewind: was unsure about this one as I’m not Jack Black’s biggest fan and rappers-come-actors normally pull off botched performances at best. The film contains dangerous levels of nostalgia for the VHS format, and the big releases of that era. Despite appearances by the likes of Danny Glover and Sigourney Weaver it does well to retain an indie feel. Film buffs and movie makers would probably take a bit more from the story – also don’t think it’d be as appealing to those that grew up with DVDs. It’s not as deep, or strong, as Eternal Sunshine or Science of Sleep but it’s good fun to watch, and actually packs in more drama than you’d expect – just don’t take it too literally!

Score: 7/10

Death Racers

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Death Racers: atrocious Zone Horror B-movie starring the Insane Clown Posse and old-time wrestler Raven. It’s obviously been done on the mega cheap as the overall quality, editing, CGI, and gore all look pretty rushed. The music is overwhelming (and overwhelmingly shit). In the movie’s defence, it’s a truer to the original ‘Death Race 3000’ than the Jason Statham re-make, and has a few funny bits (team Vaginamyte, “DEATH RACE!!!” theme tune etc) Overall, this would make a good drinking game, but not worth watching for any other reason.

Score: 2/10

Kung Fu Panda / Bee Movie

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Kung Fu Panda / Bee Movie: Only watched these films because Sky are having an animation season at the moment and the visuals are usually nothing short of stunning. Despite being from the same studio, and only a year apart Kung Fu Panda is a far superior film in every sense: story, characters, voice acting, gags, audio mix, and entertainment factor. KungFu Panda also looks a thousand times better, you just get the feeling that the team paid more attention to detail; definitely the best-looking animation I’ve seen with vibrant colours and rich textures. Don’t get me wrong, Bee Movie’s not the worst film in the world, but it’s definitely aimed more at the kids than the whole family.

Kung Fu Panda: 8/10
Bee Movie: 5/10

The Bourne Ultimatum

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The Bourne Ultimatum: it’s almost like a bond film, with its bonanza of locations, technology, action and thrills. The shaky cam and generally gritty / urban look of the film means that watching it in HD is pretty pointless, although the amazing 5.1 track and slick editing more than made up for it! This film ticks all the boxes for a great action movie, yet it’s anything but dumb; it even leaves you thinking about things like intelligence tactics, torture and (to a lesser extent) the media.The entire trilogy is strong, and this final installment is the icing on the cake – setting a new benchmark for action film!

Score: 8/10

The Simpsons Movie

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The Simpsons Movie: one of the more successful sitcom-come-movie attempts in recent history, this feature-holds itself well for the duration. This movie is to the Simpsons, what Bigger, Longer, Uncut was to South Park in that almost all of the regulars show up at some point and it’s a lot more ‘adult’ than the TV episodes, as well as more of the things that make you love the shorter episodes. Going above and beyond a standard episode, this is packed full with cultural references, movie homages and celebrity appearances. Although the environment and religion crop up throughout, neither theme is dominating. Overall this is a well-made, good-looking, comedy film that ends too soon!

Score: 7.5/10

The Running Man

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The Running Man: Starring Arnie, a dose of all-american athletes like Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and some great eye candy in María Alonso – this flick is set in an ultra-oppressive state, where the iron-fisted state censor, control and manipulate everything. There’s loads of solid action, blood and guts but there’s more to this than meets the eye; it’s peppered with serious messages about America’s consumption of everything, from commercial products to brutal violence. Although it was made in the 1980s, the bleak future it paints appears to be coming truer and truer every day. Quintessential 1980s and Arnie viewing with many of his best one-liners.

Score: 7/10

Children of Men

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Children Of Men: Undeniably one of the best movies of 2006. Can’t really say too much without giving the story away other than it’s the perfect combination of plot, action, violence and cinematic genius. When I saw this first time round I was absolutely lost for words. The story’s bleak, but believable. Technically, this film is astounding. A lot of the key scenes done as single-takes, peaking with an 8-minute war shot that will leave your jaw in your lap. Some people will no doubt think that it’s too slow, but for me, it was just a great, well-told story. All the little details (posters, adverts, background chat) add greatly to the realism. The acting’s also top-notch, even Michael Caine, who I almost exclusively dislike. See this film at all costs, but make sure it’s on a big TV to get the full effect.

Score: 9/10

Shoot ’em Up

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Shoot ‘em up: bit of a let down, especially after reading a load of reviews saying how mental / violent / bloody / gorey it was (and that it was the most fake blood used in a film ever!). So I sat through the whole film waiting for the mother of all gunfights… but it never kicked off! Clive Owen is once again cast to play another gritty hard man, he must be getting bored of doing these roles. Overall it’s a ridiculous over-the-top action-fest of a film, with little plot and awful one-liners. More watchable than Crank, but Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti are definitely better than this!

Score: 5/10

Persepolis

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Persepolis: animation following an Iranian girl growing up in Teheran and Austria. Although the obvious attraction to this film is its amazing aesthetics – and from the start to finish it’s nothing but amazing – it’s easy to forget that the actual story is so remarkable. Above this the film is quite informative, giving a good background of the modern history of Iran, yet there are so many funny bits to balance out the tragedies and shocks. I’ve not seen anything like this, and was mesmerised for the full 90 minutes. I’d suggest watching this with the French audio and subtitles (unless you won’t be affected by Sean Penn and Iggy Pop doing the English audio… WTF?!?!?) Would recommend this to most people.

Score: 8/10