GoldenEye

GoldenEye: [Spoilers] when a global terrorist organisation steals a civilisation-busting weapon system called GoldenEye only one super spy can save the world from the looming doom.

Can a normal man catch up with a heavy, aerodynamic aeroplane... Duh!!

Who’s this idiot-hole jumping off the side of a reservoir and grapple-gunning his way to the bottom? Then taking on a room full of Russians, then stealing a bike, then the plane in mid air… The guy’s insane! This is an outstanding pre-title sequence with 007 and 006 (but how did he get there?) carrying out a break-in at a Russian chemical plant – definitely one of the best, most exciting, most tense and most action-packed of the intros. The (now legendary) N64 game captured facility so well when you see the film again.

It's all 6s and 7s in this scene - and film!

With the fantastic Licence to Kill proving to be a box office misfire – I blame the studio – and the franchise stuck in a rut for over five years the series was having a bit of an identity crisis, and it definitely shows in GoldenEye, which to me feels like a half-arsed re-boot.

Not particularly menacing, unless you have a fear of penis-shaped noses

On one hand we have the good old Commies getting themselves into trouble, a trusty space weapon of doom, a villain that wants to wrong all of the world’s rights, a bunch of big-budget action set pieces, enough explosives to match Licence to Kill and some truly awful accents (taxi  for Janssen & Cumming)… It’s like nothing’s changed.

M, a lady, in a Bond film.... OUTRAGE!!!!

On the other hand hand we have a new Bond (with an 80s lady haircut), a new female M (with a boys haircut), a new Moneypenny (with a drag queen haircut – I’M SO CONFUSED!). Despite having a typical Bond story, there’s something different about it… The original parts are all here, but it just doesn’t feel the same! In one of the film’s most telling scenes M notes that in a post Cold War world James Bond is a sexist, irrelevant dinosaur – shame on her!! A few other characters also jibe with Bond about being old hat…Definitely uncalled for given what JB has done over the years, and guess who has to save the day / world / girl / civilisation again!?!? – idiots!!

Bond nerd and Bond girl, two great characters that are both crucial to the story

As far as the new Bond goes, I really rate Brosnan. Growing up through his films (this was the first one I saw in in a cinema, thanks mum!) he’s the Bond of my era, but also, looking back through the years – for me, he’s the first ‘full package’. Sure, Connery is the Bond – oozing charm and humour, Lazenby was the timid one, Moore too theatrical and Dalton quite mysterious – Brosnan rolls all these traits into one performance, creating a full character for the first time.

Sharpe and Steele - surely a winning 00-combo!

Other unforgettable moments from GoldenEye are the: Tank Vs Train fight, the sexually charged vixen Onatopp (hubba hubba), unashamed 1990s SFX abuse with everything and everyone being blown and smashed up, the blatant IBM advertising, “I am invincible” and the super-cool satellite fight at the end.

Xenia Onatopp: has the gadget to rule all gadgets, killer thighs

For the first time in decades we have a great (and quite large) number of solid – fleshed out – characters that all bounce off and balance each other – because although the action is memorable in GoldenEye, it’s really the cast that have to make us believe that the world’s change AND push the picture forward. While it’s more of a facelift than a proper restart the Bond team did well to nail GoldenEye and save the feanchise that so many had written off. Solid 90s blockbuster.

Score: 7/10

A massive tank, drifting 'round corners and through buildings... awesome

TOP TRUMPS
Villain: Sean Bean – pretty insane, wants to throw the UK to the dogs!! 7
Henchmen: Femke Janssen, Penis-nose’d Russian, Invincible Boris. 7
Bond Girls: Femke Jannsen – likes it rough. Programmer chick – very attractive. 8
Action: Opening Scene, Car Chase, Jail Breakout, Tank Chase, Antena & Base destruction 7

First film and we've already seen Brosnan's Ohhhhhhh-Ohhhh face!

RELATED LINKS
The M0vie Blog
Undy A Hundy
The Reviewer
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Aye em eenveenseebiilll

Bonus round - so you'll never, EVER look at this poster the same again

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7 comments
  1. hehe, good poster spot at the end. 7 though? really? this is the best bond film, which isnt saying much, but its still great. Judo Chop!

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    • Ha ha ha, I kinda had a feeling you’d doubt my marking here… probably something to do you you proclaiming everywhere that it’s the best hands down?!? I liked GoldenEye but it’s very, very 90s looking back.

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  2. Dan said:

    Hmm…yeah, it’s one of my favourite Bond movies too. I’d definitely find a place for it in the top 5.

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  3. Stu said:

    It’s probably top three for me, honestly. My girlfriend sent me that weird poster image after reading my review. At some point I had noticed the same thing in my adolescence but had forgotten it. Funny nonetheless.

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  4. Marc said:

    Hahaha…love the SPOILER at the top as well as the breakdown of everyone’s haircuts. Famke Jannsen, poor accent aside, is still my favorite (read: hottest) female Bond villain. And you’re right, the N64 game perfectly captured the architecture of the film.

    You said it with the fleshed out characters (something notably missing from many Bond films). Sean Bean was pretty dope and nice angle with him being a turncoat agent…well more like a sleeper agent really. Even Robbie Coletrain had a memorable turn with perhaps my favorite line of the entire series “Walther ppk 7.65mm, I know only three men in the world who use such a gun. I believe I’ve killed two of them”. Although you certainly got to give it to Martin Campbell who not once but twice resurrected 007.

    I was supposed to do a write up on this one but got too busy with work, sorry. But don’t worry, I’m still on for Casino Royale:)

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    • Totally with you on Femke as a brilliant Bond babe. Lethal and smoking hot… what more do you need? Bean’s success was so good that you always expect a sneaky mole here and there in the films now.

      Like

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