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Chanbara Beauty OneChanbara お姉チャンバラ Eri Otoguro, Manami Hashimoto, Tomohiro Waki, Chise Nakamura, Ai Hazuki, Hiroaki Kawatsure, Sari Kurauchi, Tomoya Nagai, Taro Suwa, Tetsu Watanabe, Satoshi Hakuzen

Chanbara Beauty (a.k.a. OneChanbara, Bikini Zombie Slayers, Bikini Samurai Squad, お姉チャンバラ): straight to DVD zombie-fest based on a hack-and-slash video game centered around action-girls. The four titles and heartbreakingly dubious synopsis say more about the film than any review could, but if you still want to find out if this is any good… It’s always refreshing seeing headstrong, empowered, female action leads unleashing industrial-sized cans of whoopass, grabbing here gender by the balls and proving to everyone that women in modern cinema are no longer… oh, wait… is she wearing a fluffy bikini? Never mind!! Rule one of making a live-action adaptation of any game/manga is instantly broken: don’t do it with shit CGI and no physical effects!!! Made in 2008, looks like something cheap from 1988. Stylistically, it’s topped off with a shitty grey-washed out filter – rendering the movie devoid of almost any colour. The action direction is confusing: too dark, too shaky – and the non-action scenes are long, frequent and boring filler / padding. To cut this review short, I can’t remember the last time that hacking up zombies last felt so boring and arduous. I doubt that even fanboys of the computer games (which I’ve never played) could find any redeeming features in this stinker.

Score: 1.5/10

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Killer Elite: when his mentor is captured, a contract killer must avenge an Arab sheikh’s dead sons by killing several high profile ex SAS soldiers. The plot was actually decent enough to make the film a Syriana / Body of Lies affair, but with Statham at the helms it ends up being a bog-standard action vehicle – and a poor one at that. There’s absolutely nothing memorable about the film; from the humdrum action, to the bleak washed-out colours – honestly, one week later I can recall about two minutes of the movie. Despite being two hours long, it feels like a 4 hour megafilm that keeps teasing you, but never actually ends. De Niro continues to disappoint, carrying on his ‘cash for billing’ scam, giving the most bog standard of his recent 20-minute performances. The action editing’s not very good either – particularly with his hospital/Owen fight, which was so incoherent that it hurt my head. Even the travelogue aspect feels gratuitous and disappointing. Nothing much to see here other than a nuts and bolts Statham flick.

Score: 3/10

Ross Noble – Nobleism: Fifth live DVD release from legendary British stand-up comedian Ross Noble, it was also broadcast live to every Vue Cinema in the UK – except our local one where the feed broke! Although he’s the undisputed king of improvisation this show goes too far in that direction. The first 80 or so minutes are spent speaking to the audience, dealing with hecklers and sifting through the random items people leave at the foot of the stage – a tradition at his gigs. Wit can only go so far as he’s continually ploughed off-track by the distractions leaving little room for the actual show. The encore was funnier than the main event, but like all his DVDs there’s a myriad of special features split over two discs to keep you entertained. As a hardcore fan this one’s the only show I won’t be watching over and over. Disappointing by his own standards.

Score: 4/10