Morgana: ditsy redneck girl gets mixed up with the wrong crowd in this “voluptuous vampire action film”. This has bad sound, bad music, a bad cast, bad acting, bad stereotypes, bad accents, bad 80s dancing and a very bad description. It’s basically a soft-porno that’s been left in the horror section. They must have spent the entire budget on strippers because there’s tits and slow-motion shagging all over the shop – and even that doesn’t do much for this one. It’s beyond me how guff film ideas like these get funding in the first place. After a bit of research the film’s actually called ‘Blonde Heaven’… Morgana’s a confusing title because it’s never said in the film!?!? Only just better than Crank, but still never worth watching, ever.
The Reader: coming-of-age story of one man’s lifelong obsession with a book-loving dyslexic nazi lesbian paedophile war-criminal. Loads of ethical questions raised about the Holocaust and the guilt of Germany’s next generation. Kross Fiennes, and Winslet all acted well, but the latter two had weak German accents (Vy do oll jermens tolk like zeis?). In General, I always think it’s quite off how big studios think that UK/US actors with slight accents dupe audiences into believing the film is set there. You can tell it’s a well-made film, but it’s definitely one for the girls as it’s essentially a drawn-out, banal love story.
Death Racers: atrocious Zone Horror B-movie starring the Insane Clown Posse and old-time wrestler Raven. It’s obviously been done on the mega cheap as the overall quality, editing, CGI, and gore all look pretty rushed. The music is overwhelming (and overwhelmingly shit). In the movie’s defence, it’s a truer to the original ‘Death Race 3000’ than the Jason Statham re-make, and has a few funny bits (team Vaginamyte, “DEATH RACE!!!” theme tune etc) Overall, this would make a good drinking game, but not worth watching for any other reason.
Forgetting Sarah Marshal: utter gash – although it’s the main guy who’s naked way more than is forgivable! Predictable, rubbish and not really funny – even the cast from better films like Superbad / Tropic Thunder etc couldn’t save this. Switched off after 20 minutes.
Score: 1/10 (only because there’s some tits)
Maniac Nurses Find Ecstacy: only really watched this because of the ace title and it was worse than anything I ever imagined could pass as a film, even by Troma and ZoneHorror standards!!!! Tried to be like a Russ Meyer film… and failed. Tried to be a bit of a kinky film (nazis, whips, girl fighting etc)… and failed. Tried to have a bit of gore… and failed. Was supposed to be a hospital full of nymphs… AND FAILED!!!. Having seen more than my fair share of b-movies I’m kind of tolerant to them but this was one of the worst film I’ve ever seen!