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Cassandra’s Dream: two brothers in financial trouble turn to their wealthy uncle for help… First off, this has more simplistic teenage-level melodrama than a papa roach album. It’s also full of good actors doing terrible acting, with dodgy accents… it’s hard to tell if it’s the shit script, stock characters (forenames only – a major pet hate of mine), soap-opera story or just bad direction. The characters are established through teeth-grindingly clichéd dialogue, not to mention that the entire story can be guessed at least ten minutes ahead at all times. To top it all off, it’s yet another Woody Allen film set in a romanticised version of a city, crammed with ra-ra artisan characters who have old-timey sensibilities (like a countryside drive in the old motor to a meadow picnic). By the time that Tom Wilkinson gets to inject a bit of acting and class in to this the film is already dead. Cassandra’s Dream is a piss-poor excuse for a tragedy; the biggest example of which is that this is what Allen’s career had come to.

Score: 2/10

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The Dilemma: bang in the middle of designing their ‘non gay’ electric car Ronny sees his best friend’s wife kissing another guy – but should he tell him? Jennifer Connelly and Channing Tatum. Well, that’s the good stuff covered! I’d genuinely go as far as saying that everything else about the film is nothing short of deplorable and that there’s not one single feature that makes it worthy of an appeal. The story is boring. The script is predictable and awful. Shit, even the poster (two airbrushed-yet-still-out-of-shape middle-aged men) reeks of complacency. The leads – Vaughn and James – force out the most lackluster and pedestrian performances I’ve seen in all my days. Given the choice rather watch the Nelly and Kelly’s Dilemma on repeat for two hours than a single second of this again. The only truly enjoyable thing about watching this is that it’s so mind-meltingly boring that – by default – you’ll undoubtedly resort to simply thinking up a huge list of nasty things you’d do to Jennifer Connelly. Maybe it’s because I’m not a middle-aged, mid-life-crisis, everyman (or whatever) but this honestly didn’t push a single button of mine. As dull, confused and bloated as the two leading men.

Score: 1/10