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You Only Live Twice

January 7, 2011
James Bond January
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You Only Live Twice: as USSR and American space ships disappear above the sea of Japan, and US-Soviet tensions reach boiling point only one spy can get to the bottom of this…

Commander Bond PUNK's his colleagues

No doubt inspired by the space race, the opening credits are out of this world. Then WTF – Bond gets killed! This is the first film where the emphasis and scale of the action is pushed to the next level; there’s a board room fight with the sumo wrestler; large dock fight with all the sailors moving up to the roof; an aerial dogfight in Little Nellie; Ninja trainign camp, and storming of the secret volcano lair…

Little Nellie - Such a cool autogyro. Real too!

Japan is the backdrop of this and plays a large part in the story; it’s represented pretty well – a fine balancing act between the (then) cutting edge technology and the historic & traditional. Also, Japanese James Bond = Lloyd Christmas.

"We got no food, no jobs - our Pets' heads are falling off!!!"

This also has one of the most unforgettable real sets of any film, in the hollowed out volcano lair with full-scale control room, launch pad, monorail, helipad. Such a great achievement for Pinewood studios.

This mammoth set would all be CGI today!

Other than a couple of long-ish story sections – like the marriage – this is a top-drawer Bond flick, with plenty of action, a gripping story and just a little bit of ridiculousness – making it oh-so easy to spoof in the likes of Austin Powers.

Score: 7.5/10

First look at Ernst Stavro Blofeld - another plan to start WWIII foiled

TOP TRUMPS
Villain: Ernst Blofeld – Head of SPECTRE and legendary original megalomaniac. 8
Henchmen: Mr Osato – Old Businessman / Ronald Rich – Red Rip-off. 3
Bond Girl: Ginger Helga – Looking good pre-piranha  / several Japanese wimin. 6
Action: Too much to mention. 8

although the at the door sign reads "Beauty Parlour" this is a sumo match!

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Thunderball

January 6, 2011
James Bond January
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Thunderball: A NATO bomber carrying nukes ditches in the sea prompting a ransom from SPECTRE and 7-day ultimatum – and James Bond is the only person with a lead.

Ciao... Seeing double vision

Thunderball is a pretty shocking follow-up to Goldfinger, with almost zero memorable – let alone iconic – scenes /or lines. It’s also punctuated with too many lengthy and boring underwater set-pieces, peaking with a battle that goes on forever and lacks any audio element.

What's that sound? Nothing...

The only vaguely famous scene would be the card game in the casino with one-eye’d Largo. As far as villains go, Largo is pretty poor, but his main henchman – straight-edge Vargas, takes the piss: what a pitiful baddie. I almost felt sorry for those two.

Aye aye cap'n

If Thunderball’s good for something it’s showing us deeper into Bond’s psyche – he blackmails and forces himself upon women,  will sleep with absolutely anyone, does whatever it takes for King and Country, and is so reckless that he doesn’t care who’s life he endangers!

Bond getting ready to pump for information

The most memorable scene is the ridiculously sped-up projections at the end, genuinely laugh out loud material – yet Thunderball won the Oscar for best SFX. It’s a bit of a car crash for a Goldfinger follow-up and far, far, far too long given how little happens.

Score: 2.5/10

Now pay attention 007

TOP TRUMPS
Villain: Largo, one eyed sailor – Number 2 – just following orders. 5
Henchmen: Ginger Fiona / Straight-Edge Vargas – the worst henchman ever. 2
Bond Girl: Bikini girl Domino / Spa Worker Patricia. 4
Action: Tranny fight / Boat Chase / Scuba War. 4

Vargas does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love... loser

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Ninja Assassin

February 5, 2010
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Ninja Assassin: about a bunch of Ninjas that charge a fee for killing people, doh! It has to be one of the manliest-sounding concepts since Beef Jerky, Beards, Shark Curry and Handsaws. Action’s the only thing this really has going for it but even that’s not the best as it’s far too reliant on on CGI (pretty lazy with the lack of genuine stunts / proper effects) and some of the scenes just digress into a blurry mess. They did try with the story but every five minutes the ‘action klaxon’ goes off and someone, somewhere stylishly loses some limbs. The script’s absolutely terrible: full of clichés and naff lines. The characters are all fairly bland, especially the main – but it must be hard for a Korean pop star to pull-off ‘badass Ninja’ on the best of days. The whole SWAT Team VS Ninjas concept was pretty sweet, and it will want to make you get buff… big time. Unfortunately, it never really matched the suspense, shock, gore or action of the first scene! Definitely an action-fest aimed at guys!

Score: 4/10

Face/Off

January 11, 2010
Film Reviews
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Face/Off: is what happens when John Woo makes a film about a cop and a baddie swapping bodies. The rule is that any film that opens up with a double-assassinaton attempt, fake moustaches and a kid getting shot is going to be great. The first 40 minutes are filled with ridiculous over-acting and pseudo-science; a fully working face swap, really?!? Neither actor can pull off the madness of Caster Troy convincingly and when he wasn’t making ridiculous noises and faces, Cage was trying his damndest to un-act.  Then there’s the action, and Face/Off is crammed with huge slabs of over-the-top action, culminating in the apartment shootout carnage with ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ pumping through the speakers; one of the most epic and intense action scenes I can remember. Because both guys’ families are in danger it makes the story more gripping. There’s a lot of face touching, religious symbolism and bad parenting throughout (what ever happened to the hot goth Dominique Swain?). Despite the cheese and clichés this is my top action film of the 90′s, perhaps ever. If you’ve not seen this yet, where have you been hiding?

Score: 7/10

The Bodyguard

December 30, 2009
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The Bodyguard: so-called action flick featuring Thailand’s smallest and tubbiest gravity-defying bodyguard – definitely not the ’92 Costner / Houston affair! A few familiar faces from ‘Ong-Bak’ make up the main cast – including a Tony Jaa cameo – although this is nowhere as good a movie. Despite being made in 2004 it feels uncannily like classic ’80s cheese; slow-motion shots, terminally cheap music, and some of the most ridiculous and least funny pantomime-esque ‘humour’ I’ve seen. It’s camper than a row of tents, contains a bizarrely high level of foul language, and doesn’t say much about the intelligence of Thai people. The few action scenes are the only redeeming feature of this, in particularly some nifty moves and set pieces. The film focuses more on a millionaire’s love conquest over the actual bodyguard – title FAIL. Feels more like a bunch of mates making a b-movie than the action / wire-fu movie it’s promoted as. Best stick with Ong Bak / Warrior King etc.

Score: 3/10

Leon

December 23, 2009
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Leon: story of a hitman that takes a 12 year-old under his wing, trains her up and slowly becomes more human in the process. Leon’s pretty complex: made out to be one of the most badass men in the history of cinema in the action scenes, yet comes across as quite coy and simple in others. Gary Oldman’s intense villain is a bit over-acted. The original score dominates many of the scenes and despite being set in New York it’s unmistakably French & has loads of cheeky trademark Besson bits. My favourite aspect of this film is that it plays on the peculiarities and mystique of hitmen / assassins: they come from nowhere, vanish into thin air, can take out swat teams and bodyguards… and scope out every new location. Upon re-watching this for the first time in years it wasn’t as awesome as I remember, hasn’t really aged well (totally 80s) and the plot’s full of massive holes, not to mention severe bouts of police malpractice. It can’t really pass as an action flick because there’s only two action scenes, and as mentioned the story’s pretty flawed. What’s left is a piece of trademark Besson fantasy that’s good, but seems to enjoy an uncannily large ‘best film ever’ reputation.

Score: 7.5/10

Foxy Brown

November 17, 2009
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Foxy Brown: Pam Grier is out to avenge her junkie-loser brother and snitch boyfriend by sticking it to the man, big time. Everything from the soul / funk soundtrack to the gritty view of ‘real life’ is aimed at adolescent black guys, so for a honky to review this in one paragraph, probably won’t do it much justice. Naturally everyone evil, or with any power, is a white bigot: although the casting department went a step too far by hiring the most upper class ‘gangsters’ I’ve ever seen. The opening credits are like a cheap James Bond rip off and the action in the film’s admirable, but not quite there. Despite all the fist-clenching bro solidarity, melodramatic scenes and social issues / stereotypes raised it’s an OK action-flick, made easier to watch courtesy of Grier’s one-of-a-kind figure being flaunted throughout. Girl Power / Black Power!

Score: 5/10

The Toxic Avenger Part II

November 3, 2009
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The Toxic Avenger Part II: 5 years after the original, Melvin’s still sweeping up crime with his mop – from NJ to Japan. You know it’s going to be good when, 2 minutes in, a blind pensioner gets shot out of her wheelchair. Unfortunately most versions of the T.A. series have been very heavily edited, with most gore cut out and the gratuitous nudity blurred. Films like this were never meant to be taken seriously: the camp script, silly slapstick gags and playing on stereotypes make it really enjoyable, even fun, to watch. The stunts, special effects and explosions are all great and it has a feel somewhere between Cannibal the Musical and the original Power Rangers. People slate this and compare it to the first film, although twenty years later this is still one of the most entertaining B-movies around. Great example of independent film, that’s well worth watching if you can track it down! Radioactive Fun.

Score: 6/10

Bullit

October 7, 2009
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Bullit: Steve McQueen plays the straightest cop on earth, desperate to get the job done no matter how many superiors he pisses off. The film’s most notorious part, and only real action scene, is the awesome car chase in which a Ford Mustang and Dodge Charger take a proper beat down as they tear through the steep streets of San Francisco. The big let down was that there wasn’t much more action, and the film moves along at a slow-ish speed, especially the first 40 minutes. The Mustang gets a lot of good shots, so Ford certainly got their money’s worth. Although it’s famous for the chase scene, there’s frankly not that much else on offer, other than a staple story and a lot of close ups of a solemn and confused McQueen. Middle of the road cop film.

Score: 6/10

Omega Man

August 26, 2009
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Omega Man: follows the last man on earth as he fends off a bunch of afro’d albino druids whilst trying to find a cure for their condition. You can watch it as a simple horror film, but there’s  more to it that meets the eye, with the most obvious theme being the cold war: ‘the family’ vs 1 man with his gadgets, cars and fancy trickery. There’s also messages about race, morality, Christianity and the biological warfare in there too if you scratch below the film’s surface. Fitting with his embodiment of the USA (and NRA figurehead) Heston is heavily armed throughout, as well as being ever-topless despite not being too buff. All-in, the acting, storyline, music and characters are all so surreal and camp that it’s hard to feel any horror / terror, although in the context of when it was made it would have definitely played on the contemporary fears. It’s watchable but really, really cheesy.

Score: 6/10