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Monthly Archives: July 2009

Eastern Promises

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Eastern Promises: the fact that an ‘everywoman’ nurse and her plain old family are part of the main cast I thought this film was going to be a at least a bit realistic… but when things like the sci-fi violence hits the screen it’s comically out-of-place. At least there’s a shower scene you’ll never forget. Also, why cast French, American, German and British actors to play Eastern Europeans? Vincent Cassel… the most quintessential french bit-part actor… a Russian?!?! Overall, I was pretty disappointed that the guy who brought us sci-fi classics like Videodrome, the Scanners, Dead Zone has ended up going down the road of mundane Steven King type ‘thrillers’. Just couldn’t connect with any of the ridiculous characters or take it seriously.

Score: 3/10

The Reader

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The Reader: coming-of-age story of one man’s lifelong obsession with a book-loving dyslexic nazi lesbian paedophile war-criminal. Loads of ethical questions raised about the Holocaust and the guilt of Germany’s next generation. Kross Fiennes, and Winslet all acted well, but the latter two had weak German accents (Vy do oll jermens tolk like zeis?). In General, I always think it’s quite off how big studios think that UK/US actors with slight accents dupe audiences into believing the film is set there. You can tell it’s a well-made film, but it’s definitely one for the girls as it’s essentially a drawn-out, banal love story.

Score: 4/10

No Country For Old Men

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No Country for Old Men: Javier Bardem stole the show for me as a believably chilling psychopath, although Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones both nailed their characters with conviction. The story’s brilliant, and has the trademark Coen brothers look, feel and occasional black comedy moments. There’s also a couple few scenes where the suspense is unbearable, something that’s hard to pull off. Set in 1980, it says a lot about the new-age crime, criminals and violence at the time and how traditional police struggle to solve, or even understand it. The last 30 minutes are quite weak, and the loose ends will annoy some people. Top-drawer film that it well worth watching.

Score: 8/10

Be Kind, Rewind

Be Kind, Rewind: was unsure about this one as I’m not Jack Black’s biggest fan and rappers-come-actors normally pull off botched performances at best. The film contains dangerous levels of nostalgia for the VHS format, and the big releases of that era. Despite appearances by the likes of Danny Glover and Sigourney Weaver it does well to retain an indie feel. Film buffs and movie makers would probably take a bit more from the story – also don’t think it’d be as appealing to those that grew up with DVDs. It’s not as deep, or strong, as Eternal Sunshine or Science of Sleep but it’s good fun to watch, and actually packs in more drama than you’d expect – just don’t take it too literally!

Score: 7/10

Death Racers

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Death Racers: atrocious Zone Horror B-movie starring the Insane Clown Posse and old-time wrestler Raven. It’s obviously been done on the mega cheap as the overall quality, editing, CGI, and gore all look pretty rushed. The music is overwhelming (and overwhelmingly shit). In the movie’s defence, it’s a truer to the original ‘Death Race 3000’ than the Jason Statham re-make, and has a few funny bits (team Vaginamyte, “DEATH RACE!!!” theme tune etc) Overall, this would make a good drinking game, but not worth watching for any other reason.

Score: 2/10

Kung Fu Panda / Bee Movie

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Kung Fu Panda / Bee Movie: Only watched these films because Sky are having an animation season at the moment and the visuals are usually nothing short of stunning. Despite being from the same studio, and only a year apart Kung Fu Panda is a far superior film in every sense: story, characters, voice acting, gags, audio mix, and entertainment factor. KungFu Panda also looks a thousand times better, you just get the feeling that the team paid more attention to detail; definitely the best-looking animation I’ve seen with vibrant colours and rich textures. Don’t get me wrong, Bee Movie’s not the worst film in the world, but it’s definitely aimed more at the kids than the whole family.

Kung Fu Panda: 8/10
Bee Movie: 5/10

The Bourne Ultimatum

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The Bourne Ultimatum: it’s almost like a bond film, with its bonanza of locations, technology, action and thrills. The shaky cam and generally gritty / urban look of the film means that watching it in HD is pretty pointless, although the amazing 5.1 track and slick editing more than made up for it! This film ticks all the boxes for a great action movie, yet it’s anything but dumb; it even leaves you thinking about things like intelligence tactics, torture and (to a lesser extent) the media.The entire trilogy is strong, and this final installment is the icing on the cake – setting a new benchmark for action film!

Score: 8/10

The Simpsons Movie

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The Simpsons Movie: one of the more successful sitcom-come-movie attempts in recent history, this feature-holds itself well for the duration. This movie is to the Simpsons, what Bigger, Longer, Uncut was to South Park in that almost all of the regulars show up at some point and it’s a lot more ‘adult’ than the TV episodes, as well as more of the things that make you love the shorter episodes. Going above and beyond a standard episode, this is packed full with cultural references, movie homages and celebrity appearances. Although the environment and religion crop up throughout, neither theme is dominating. Overall this is a well-made, good-looking, comedy film that ends too soon!

Score: 7.5/10

The Running Man

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The Running Man: Starring Arnie, a dose of all-american athletes like Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and some great eye candy in María Alonso – this flick is set in an ultra-oppressive state, where the iron-fisted state censor, control and manipulate everything. There’s loads of solid action, blood and guts but there’s more to this than meets the eye; it’s peppered with serious messages about America’s consumption of everything, from commercial products to brutal violence. Although it was made in the 1980s, the bleak future it paints appears to be coming truer and truer every day. Quintessential 1980s and Arnie viewing with many of his best one-liners.

Score: 7/10

Children of Men

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Children Of Men: Undeniably one of the best movies of 2006. Can’t really say too much without giving the story away other than it’s the perfect combination of plot, action, violence and cinematic genius. When I saw this first time round I was absolutely lost for words. The story’s bleak, but believable. Technically, this film is astounding. A lot of the key scenes done as single-takes, peaking with an 8-minute war shot that will leave your jaw in your lap. Some people will no doubt think that it’s too slow, but for me, it was just a great, well-told story. All the little details (posters, adverts, background chat) add greatly to the realism. The acting’s also top-notch, even Michael Caine, who I almost exclusively dislike. See this film at all costs, but make sure it’s on a big TV to get the full effect.

Score: 9/10

Shoot ’em Up

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Shoot ‘em up: bit of a let down, especially after reading a load of reviews saying how mental / violent / bloody / gorey it was (and that it was the most fake blood used in a film ever!). So I sat through the whole film waiting for the mother of all gunfights… but it never kicked off! Clive Owen is once again cast to play another gritty hard man, he must be getting bored of doing these roles. Overall it’s a ridiculous over-the-top action-fest of a film, with little plot and awful one-liners. More watchable than Crank, but Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti are definitely better than this!

Score: 5/10

Persepolis

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Persepolis: animation following an Iranian girl growing up in Teheran and Austria. Although the obvious attraction to this film is its amazing aesthetics – and from the start to finish it’s nothing but amazing – it’s easy to forget that the actual story is so remarkable. Above this the film is quite informative, giving a good background of the modern history of Iran, yet there are so many funny bits to balance out the tragedies and shocks. I’ve not seen anything like this, and was mesmerised for the full 90 minutes. I’d suggest watching this with the French audio and subtitles (unless you won’t be affected by Sean Penn and Iggy Pop doing the English audio… WTF?!?!?) Would recommend this to most people.

Score: 8/10

Revenge of the Nerds

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Revenge of the Nerds: two minutes in it was obvious that this film wasn’t going to be the barrel of laughs that it could have. The geeky laughing was about the only thing I found funny, and the rest of the film hasn’t aged well at all. It was probably good at the time, but is almost embarrassing now. The tags on this post tell more about the film than any paragraph could.

Score 4/10

Hana-Bi

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Hana-Bi: a film of two halves really. First part sets up the backdrop for the second, but because all of the action and drama had happened at the start I was pretty restless after the hour mark. Long shots, minimal style, bare dialogue contrasting with the graphic violence and slapstick comedy moments make it a bit of a mixed bag. Very little happens, but the bodycount’s impressive! Overall, not as good as other similar film’s he’s done (Violent Cop / Sonatine) or starred in (Gonin), but worth watching if you like ‘Beat’ Takeshi Kitano.

Score: 6/10

Hitman

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Hitman: Not a bad attempt at a film, considering it’s based on a game! Doesn’t have the simplest of plots, which was stupid considering you’re not expecting to use your brain in a film like this. Had to laugh when the text on the screen informs you we’re in St Petersburg all the time – despite the fact it’s set there. Action is top-notch: gun fights ahoy, graphic assassinations and a 4-way sword-fight! If you can look past points like “why can’t the Russian police find a guy with a MASSIVE BARCODE TATTOOED ON HIS HEAD?!?!?” it’s a thoroughly watchable film. Girls won’t like it, but it’s definitely one for the guys.

Score: 7/10

Public Enemies

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Public Enemies: Overall, this was pretty disappointing. They must have spent the entire budget on the costumes and props, which were all great, but cut every corner on the actual film-making: because it’s shot in HD it looked like it was filmed on cheap home-cameras, ‘shaky cam’ was used far too often, audio mix was terrible (quiet dialogue / deafening tommy-guns) and the editing seemed very rushed. Because of this I never really got into the film much. The main casting’s fairly standard and well acted – J. Depp being quirky and funny guy, C. Bale being law upholder – but it was good to see Herc and Judge Phelan from The Wire showing face. Only problem with the cast was that there were so many characters, who all looked the same, it got a bit much. Not much else to say really, walked out of the cinema unimpressed.

Score: 6/10

Wrestlemaniac

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Wrestlemaniac: Yet another Zone Horror film… when will I learn. As far as B-movies go this was OK. Featured the following ‘staple’ horror elements: crazy legend, generally low IQs, people insisting on walking about on their own, lame ‘jumpy’ bits, ridiculous nerds, unfathomably stupid ending as well as lesbians, tits, and pervy camera angles random Arnie Quote. Rey Mysterio’s dad was the main killer, weird. Looked and felt pretty professional compared to most low-budget horrors, but didn’t actually have that much to do with wrestling! Decent gore, but only a bodycount of six…

Score: 5/10

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

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Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (a.k.a. Strippers Vs Zombies): a b-movie on Zone Horror that looked like it had potential: was in fact utterly crap. Awful puns and acting, every zombie cliché in the book, and piss-poor effects… the blood looks like water dyed red! Clearly a platform for a bunch of wannabe porn stars, just hope they failed. Would probably be watchable if you were stoned or drunk… switched off after 1 hour. Hope my Zombie Strippers DVD w/ Jenna Jameson and Robert England isn’t as bad as this!!!

Score: 2/10

Seed

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Seed: another Zone Horror B movie, so I was sceptical: turned to be alright. Biggest boost was that it was genuinely atmospheric and eerie. Some good gross-outs, believable violence and disturbing scenes. The main capture was so poorly lit that it was impossible to tell what was going on, and the first 60 mins is mostly backstory. Bit of a shock ending that isn’t exactly what you want (or expect) to see. Appears to have been voted down on the big sites because nobody likes Uwe Boll’s other films, but I’d give this a decent rating because it’s better than most of the shit in the horror / gore / video nasty baskets.

Score: 6/10

Tell No One

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Tell No One: French thriller about an innocent guy caught up in a bunch of murders. At over 2 hours long I thought the film would drag a bit but as the story twists and turns it’s fairly edge-of-your-seat cinema that keeps you watching – the biggest problem was that, by the end, the twist-o-rama gets pretty confusing. Another minor downside is the presence of so many similar-looking women that it’s all a bit confusing in the middle of the film. The acting’s superb, given that there are no French heavyweights in the cast and the overall look and feel are very realistic. Ultimately, a very good piece of cinema… should go down well with anyone that likes a good film.

Score: 8/10

Crank

Crank: holy-shit… has pretty much won the “worst film I’ve seen all year” title already. It’s like someone polled the nuts and zoo readers asking the ‘100 things you’d most like to see in a film’, then tried to link them all together, but failed – epically. Someone obviously put ‘Latino Gangsters’ because our old pal Noel Gugliemi made another appearance as the ultimate typecast! More like watching someone play Grand Theft Auto than a film. Full of: bad product placement, terrible acting, mostly pointless scenes and rubbish stereotypes. I’d almost slipped into a coma by the end of it. Less substance than a low-budget porno… avoid like the plague.

Score: 0.1/10 (only because there’s 1 boob)

The Darjeeling Limited

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The Darjeeling Limited: (with Hotel Chevalier). The fact that there’s a pointless short film before the main feature shows how needlessly up-it’s own arse this one is. Not a big change from any of his previous features with the usual themes, style, casting and characters; so if you like other Wes Anderson films you should love this. The whole film is pretty quirky and contains loads of pretentious symbolism / imagery, as well as the occasional cheesy line. The three brothers play well off each other, and although they’re relatively safely cast it’s entertaining to watch their spiritual journey. The soundtrack dominated a lot of the film, and was clearly put in to make the it exponentially cooler. The decent strong story saved this one from being another Life Aquatic…

Score: 7/10

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days

4 Months, 3 weeks and 2 days: didn’t even read the synopsis for this one (wish I had so it didn’t rock my face off!) but watched it because of the critical acclaim it’s generated. Pretty brutal – subtly and graphically in parts – and realistic drama that hits home pretty hard. The acting’s extraordinary and there’s a lot of long single-take shots that heighten the drama drama – similar to Michael Haneke films. More than anything, the film’s about the extremes of friendship. A must-see if you like your world cinema, but for others it’d be very much love/hate.

Score: 7/10

Red Sonia

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Red Sonia: not the type of film you’re going to sit down and properly analyse, so here’s my favourite things about it.

Bunch of blondes with long swords (and longer pins)
60 foot squatting stone Buddha, 30 foot stone bull, and other the massive props
Arnie’s RAGING cod-piece
Arnie’s RAGING growl at the kid
Everyone’s unnecessarily impractical fighting gear
Bunch of bad guys wearing jeans (in the middle-ages)
Agile mechanical dragon-serpent (in the middle-ages)
Brigette Nielsen’s outstanding pins – before she turned into a mess.
Everyone trying their hardest to see who can act the worst.

Overall I love how Arnie keeps appearing, and risking his life to save an incompetent ginger woman that hates all men!!! Would be brilliant after a few drinks. Utter cheese, but totally watchable.

Score: 6/10

Breaking the Waves

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Breaking the Waves: Set in Scotland c. 1970s, it tells the story of a local lass who marries a Norwegian oil worker and their life after an accident. My biggest issue was that it was too long: 2 hours of slow churning, a 30 min spike of insane drama and then back to the churn for another 20 mins. It’s not exactly uplifting, mainly because it covers topics like love / monogamy / religion / disability. It’s filmed using a shaky-cam, which can get quite annoying and the very last scene is 100% totally stupid. The biggest reason to watch this film is Emily Watson’s outstanding performance, first major role and she absolutely stole the show. The rest of the cast are also brilliant – which makes the story more believable and essentially keeps you watching. The soundtrack’s also pretty good. I love Lars Von Trier’s stuff, but this isn’t his strongest film. Overall, a good piece of film that’s well worth watching… if you can last to the end.

Score: 6.5/10

Finding Nemo

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Finding Nemo: having recently read that this film made it in to Time Magazine’s “100 greatest films of all-time” list (!) and held the record of biggest-selling DVD of all time (!!) I figured it’d be worth checking out. The film is technically outstanding: looks amazing & vibrant, animation is great, the surround-sound track is among the best I’ve heard and the research in to the ocean and ocean life shines through. Lots of good jokes throughout for both adults and kids. However, it’s not a very original story, has about 30 minor characters that you want to know more about, manages to downplay a family massacre, and dozens of cultural references / homages / stereotypes. Overall: I wouldn’t have put this in the 100 greatest films of all time myself, but it is a great film, very enjoyable – even if it’s not quite on par with Toy Story.

Score: 8/10

I Am Legend

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I Am Legend: was quite skeptical about this but ended up thoroughly enjoying it. Will Smith did a pretty fine job of holding his own through the first hour of the film as the only character. A couple of gratuitous action scenes thrown in to keep the masses amused. Details on why some people are immune aren’t given, which pissed me off. Trying to squeeze in the Omega Man soon as a comparison, but this is definitely worth a watch.

Score: 7/10

Ghost Rider

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Ghost Rider: just no. I always wonder why established actors like Cage agree to such shite, over substantial roles, surely he doesn’t need the cash!?!? The whole concept is crap, even by ‘comic adaptation’ standards and the only redeeming feature is Eva Mendez. The CGI is ok, but a flaming skeleton walking around pointing at people like Hulk Hogan will always look ridiculous. Barely watchable.

Score: 2/10

Charlie Wilson’s War

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Charlie Wilson’s War: pretty solid political romp with top acting but the biggest selling-point for me was the script, which threw up loads of funny & witty one-liners as well as some comedy situations. Seymour-Hoffman steals the show, and the film should keep you amused and informed, although the light-hearted mood makes it difficult to gauge how much of it is accurate.

Score: 7/10

Princess

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Princess (2006): mostly animation, but spliced with grainy real video. A Danish film about one man’s bad-blood with the porn industry. Weird story, weird animation and some royally fucked-up subject matter… Worth a look for those that like their films ‘different’, but slow pace to begin with may put people off.

Score: 6/10